


A Window is a Mirror

by PaulatheCat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2012-09-12
Packaged: 2017-11-14 02:30:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 44,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaulatheCat/pseuds/PaulatheCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Growing up in Suburbia, Castiel Collins is coming home to tell his best friend some things he discovered while away in University. What he finds out when he gets there may change his relationship. But, will his friendship change for the better...  or for the worse? Rated M for M/M Slash, Language, Sexual themes and Situations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wanted to write an AU with these characters. I really like this story, the way it was written (Cas’ POV). I like the characters and liked writing them. I hope you do, too. Reviews are sweet pie to me and will encourage me to get the sequel that much faster.

The houses that lined the street seemed so provincial compared to the towering buildings that populated the University town he had called home since August. It had only been a few months since leaving for college, but he already felt so different. He knew he could have spent the majority of the two week break in the city. But, his room-mate was already starting to make him consider off-Campus housing despite how much more money it was likely to cost.

His little red pick-up rattled a merry beat as he turned onto his street. This would be the first time home for more than a day in almost six months. He had backpacked for a month through Europe after graduation. His Aunt Kat and Uncle Henry paid for him to go. She had said that if he put it off, he’d never go… Adult responsibilities and obligations would take precedence and he would regret not taking her up on the offer. He wished his best friend, Dean, had been willing and able to go. But, he was grateful for the time alone to discover that he was able to rely on himself, to trust himself. He put those thoughts out of his mind as he approached the cul-de-sac at the end of which sat a festively decorated two-story symbol of suburbia.

He pulled into the driveway lined with low evergreen shrubs and grey gravel rock bedding. He hadn’t even shut off the ignition when a dark-haired woman in her early fifties came rushing out of the green painted, wreath bedecked door. Castiel rolled his eyes when he heard his mother’s shrill cries through the glass window.

“My angel is _home!_ ” She exclaimed with bright glistening brown eyes.

“Hey, Mom.” Cas murmured as he was leaving the cab of his truck only to find himself wrapped in the strangle hold embrace of his now openly weeping mother.

He tried to decipher the gasping sentiments his mother was spouting into his shoulder and neck. He couldn’t even determine if she was speaking English. He wrapped his arms around her resigning himself to the idea that she wasn’t letting him go anytime soon. He bent his face to bury his nose in her hair and allowed his eyes to close. _Home_. She smelled like Home.

After several long moments, Ana pulled away from him, wiping tears from her eyes. Cas reached his hand to caress her face with soft touches. He smiled at his mother with all the love he felt in him for her.

“Are you hungry, Angel?” Ana brightened, breaking the moment. She began dragging her son towards the door without waiting a reply.

“Mom! My stuff!” Cas waved at his truck.

“Pfft!” Ana dismissed. “Get it later. Come inside and eat something.”

Cas exhaled a sigh and did as his mother bid him do.

“Oh, Little Owl!” A high-pitched squeal met his ears as soon as he passed the threshold. He was tackled by another woman, taller than his mother with hot pink strands woven into her wild black hair. He pulled away from the wiry woman to see artificially green eyes boring into him.

“Oh, _look_ at you, Nephew! What did they put in the city’s water? You must have grown a foot!”

“I haven’t grown an inch,” Cas responded with a smile.

Kat grabbed his bicep. “Oh, my GOD! What is _this_?” She squealed with wide eyes.

“You’re embarrassing him, Katia. Let him be,” Ana interjected as she tried to guide her son into the kitchen.

“No more than crying all over him in the driveway, Anastasia!” Kat argued.

Ana ignored her sister as Kat continued to pinch and inspect her nephew.

“I can’t believe what you’ve done to my skinny wisp of a nephew.” She exclaimed.

Cas shrugged. “I have to take a bunch of ‘Kinesiology’ units for general requirements. I took ‘Martial Arts’ and Weight Training’.” Cas explained.

Ana’s eyes narrowed. “I thought you were supposed to take ‘Math’ and ‘Statistics’.”

Cas nodded as he accepted the plate laden with a sandwich and chips and a glass of milk from his mother.

“I did that, too.” He took a drink. “But, there are all these classes you have to take to help you be a ‘life-long learner’… a ‘well-rounded individual’… stuff like ‘Theater’ and PE.”

Kat’s eyes grew wider. “Theater?!”

Cas smirked as he saw his mother roll her eyes at her sister and turn her back on them.

“I met your uncle in the theater!” Kat’s eyes took on an unfocused, faraway glaze. “Oh, Henry was playing in one of the adaptations of ‘Midsummer Night’s Dream’. They called it ‘Summer Nights’. Oh, Henry played the Ass.” A sly grin spread across Kat’s features.

Cas couldn’t help himself but mirror the expression. He had heard so many versions of how ‘Oh,Henry’ and his Aunt Kat met, he was never sure which was the truth.

“I thought you stalked him until he said he would take you out.” Cas said, taking a bite of the sandwich.

Kat waved her hand dismissively. “That was later,” she revealed.

They continued to catch up on the classes Cas was taking, friends he had made, and complaints about his room-mate. Kat shared pictures from a recent trip to Guadalajara with Oh, Henry. She included advice to Cas to never stray too far from the patrolled tourist areas. Apparently, Kat had been arrested miles west from the resort. Oh, Henry had spent a considerable amount of money and influence getting her released. Ana shot a stern disapproving stare at her free-spirited sister through the entire telling of it.

“Where’s Oh, Henry, now?” Cas asked.

Kat blew out a breath and plopped her chin into her palm. “Australia.” Kat whined.

Cas cocked his head. “Why didn’t you go with him?”

Kat grinned. “Did I ever tell you I almost married a chief of one of the indigenous tribes from Western Australia?”

Cas chuckled shaking his head.

“Well,” she began wistfully until his mother cleared her throat. Kat leaned in and whispered, “I’ll tell ya later.”

Several hours passed when Cas visited with his mother and Aunt, the former having retrieved giant net bags from the back of the truck and began doing Cas’ laundry. Cas set himself at the bar in the kitchen watching the women prepare dinner, stealing bits of sliced vegetables before they went into the pans to cook. The outside garage door opened with a mechanical creak alerting them to his father’s return from work.

“Well, it’s been wonderful seeing you, Nephew!” Kat kissed his cheek and grimaced when her soft lips were scratched by the stubble of whiskers. She rubbed her hand over his jaw. “Shave before I kiss you again. You’re growing up too fast.”

She turned to leave. “You’re not staying for dinner?”

Kat looked at her sister’s back as Ana leaned over the kitchen sink. “No… I think, not tonight. But, I’ll see you soon. I love you, Little Owl.”

Cas nodded and looked at his mother when he heard the front door close.

“What was that about?” He asked.

Ana shrugged and turned when the door to the garage door opened and her husband came into the kitchen. She kissed him and smiled as he looked over to see his son.

“Well, who is this strappin’ lad in m’ kitchen?” Charles asked with a tired grin.

“Hey, Dad.” Cas greeted.

Charles reached forward to shake Cas’ hand. His grip was firm and Charles patted Cas’ shoulder with his other hand.

“It’s good to see you, son. You’ve grown!”

Cas shook his head in disbelief and confusion as to his reception.

“It’s only been a few months, Dad.” He stated. Charles shrugged and told them he was going to go change from his business suit.

Cas was about to ask his mom about the unusual reception when she commanded him to set the table and wash up. Dinner went as if Cas was a visitor instead of only having been gone to school. The conversation was more adult than any he had with them prior to his leaving. He re-hashed topics already covered with his mom and Aunt Kat, but Charles’ questions and comments slanted from a different perspective.

“Have you met many girls?” Charles asked as Ana cleared the dishes.

Cas nodded but his eyes became guarded and his body tensed. Ana slapped her husband on the back. “Will you leave that for another time?” She complained. Her voice carried back to them from the kitchen as she added, “As if I need any more proof that he’s not a boy anymore!”

Charles leaned forward and whispered, “Don’t forget to use protection, Lad.”

Cas blushed and rushed to help his mom with dishes.

Later, he went to his room, leaving his parents to watch the news in the living room. Three warm piles of clean and folded clothes waited putting away on the end of his bed. His room was nearly identical to when he left for Europe at the beginning of summer. Poster-size prints of paintings by Salvador Dali and Frida Kahlo adorned his wall, as well as blown up original photography, framed in black aluminum. Academic awards and newspaper clippings lauding his accomplishments were mounted and hung or sat on his empty desk. It made him remember how different life seemed since high school.

Thinking of high school made him look out his window, past the leafless oak tree and latch onto the window on the side of the Winchester’s home next door. He stared at the blue window covering drawn tight against the yellow glow of the streetlight on the curb. He looked out the window to the driveway to see the yellow and red flat-bed tow truck parked next to the silver Chevy pick-up truck. He frowned when he didn’t see the black Impala that was a staple of ‘Home’ for years growing up.

John used to take them all to baseball games on the weekends. They would all pile into the Impala—Charles, John, Sam, Dean and Cas. Later, when John gave Dean the car for his seventeenth birthday, Dean would drive them to school. When Kate and her son moved in, Adam joined the group. But, Cas couldn’t think of a single memory—good or bad—that didn’t include Dean or the Impala. In fact, when he would see an Impala in the city, no matter that they were always the newer models, he would immediately think of Dean.

Cas remained staring out the window for a long time wondering and reminiscing before he yawned. It had been a long day. He was up before the sun to pack up the truck and go for a run. Then, ‘Martial Arts’ final, breakfast, ‘Introduction to Physics’ and ‘Comparative Tragedies in Theater’ before driving two hours from the city for home. The almost non-stop itinerary was finally catching up to him. He lay on his bed staring up at the glow-in-the-dark constellations painted on his ceiling. Before he knew it, he was drawn into a deep sleep.

The sounds outside his window—car doors opening with metallic creaks then slamming as well as the hushed voices that still carried beyond the intended listener—woke him as the early morning sunlight brightened against his windowsill. He used to crawl outside that window to sit on the roof of the patio-cover listening and watching families of birds nesting and gossiping in that tree for hours. Sometimes, in the past, Dean and he would sit and share secrets, drinking beer stolen from John’s garage refrigerator, and make plans for the future.

Castiel rose from his bed to see John peck a kiss to Kate’s cheek. She handed him a lunch pail and watched Adam climb in the passenger seat. Cas looked around, but the Impala was still nowhere to be seen. There was no way Dean would have gotten rid of it… _her_. There was just no way.

Abandoning the idea of more sleep, he rose and donned a track suit. He had developed a routine of rising for an early morning run and performing a kata before his class. He enjoyed the different forms of ‘Martial Arts’ he was taught, the history and culture of each, as well as the routine of starting his day with the disciplined movement of his body. He liked it so much that he took the next section of the class at the same time slot. When his aunt had commented about his muscles, that definition came, in part, from ‘Weight Training’. But, it came mostly from the mixed martial arts he practiced every day for five months.

He walked out his door and began running. He never jogged in high school.  But, he found he enjoyed starting his day with the time spent plugged in to his mp3 player. The exertion on his body gave him the distraction from the mundane to focus on things that required more serious reflection. He was always a little introspective anyway.

He slowed down when he got to the shopping center about a half an hour later—sweat drenched his hair and clothing. He pulled the ear buds out and entered the grocery store. He paid for a sports drink from the cold case at the end of the aisle and went to lean against the wall outside. He heard a familiar rumble and his eyes trained on its source. At the light, stopped to wait for cross-traffic, was a familiar black car. He could just make out the tanned arm of Dean Winchester propped on the open window, elbow resting outside. Cas soaked in the sight.

He watched Dean lean in to adjust… probably the music… and he saw a tall form in the passenger seat. He didn’t recognize who was with him and his eyes went right back to Dean.  The light turned green and Cas felt his heart lurch with the Impala as she rumbled away down the street.  He had learned over the past few months. He learned a lot about the subjects in his major, a lot about things in which he didn’t know he’d find an interest, and a whole lot about himself. He just didn’t know if the things he discovered were things he could tell his best friend.


	2. Bits and Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the first week or so at home during break from University, everywhere I went people had the same reaction. Poor Cas is going to be having this happen a lot until after he and Dean reunite. You will likely be rolling your eyes each time it happens. I have meant for you to feel this way since it very like what Cas is feeling. He takes in stride, though.

_Chapter 2 Bits and Pieces_

When he arrived home thirty minutes later, he made his way into the backyard. He began moving his body through the forms, visualizing his instructor in front of him, mirroring all the sharp and smooth movements of the kata. He was so focused, he didn’t realize he had an audience.

“Jesus, Cas! You’ve changed!”

Cas turned his head to see long, dark-blonde hair and bright hazel eyes of Sam Winchester. Cas’ eyes widened as he nodded.

“Look who’s talking, Sam! Are you taking growth hormones?”

Sam laughed as he ducked his head. “Grew six inches since you saw me last. I’m nearly as tall as Dean, now!” Sam chirped.

Cas walked over to the fence and peered around.

“Where is he?” Cas asked. He was proud that the nervousness and eagerness to see his friend didn’t bleed into his voice.

Sam shrugged. “Work. He dropped me off a while ago. Saw you out here and thought I’d say, ‘hi’.”

It occurred to Cas as he nodded that Sam was the passenger in the Impala.

“Well, let me go shower and change and we can catch up, yeah?”

Sam nodded and waved. Cas tried to catch his breath and calm his heart when he walked into the house. His mother looked at him over her cup of coffee. The knowing look she gave him disturbed him. She didn’t say anything, but smiled when he turned his attention to her.

“’Morning, Mom.” Cas said as he kissed her head.

“Eew! You’re all sweaty!” She pulled away.

Cas chuckled and began walking to the stairway. “I know. Gonna shower and then I’m gonna hang out with Sam for a while. Is that okay?”

“Of course, Angel…” She got a thoughtful look on her face. Cas stopped his trek out of the room when she asked, “Have you seen Dean?”

He gulped before schooling his expression and turning to face her. “No. Sam says he’s at work. Maybe, I’ll see him later.”

She nodded and he turned to go upstairs.

He found Sam throwing an orange ball into a free-standing basketball net in the street. Cas folded onto the sidewalk to watch him. After a few more baskets, Sam came over to where he was and sat on the ball in the street in front of Cas.

They talked about school. Sam was taking College Prep classes as well as some Advanced Placement courses. They had to jump him from Sophomore to Junior year since 10th graders weren’t allowed to take those classes at their school. Sam talked about Jessica Moore and how they had gotten really close over the summer. They had been on a few dates since the Fall term started and she introduced him as her boyfriend to family and friends.

“I’ll bet your brothers give you no end of grief for that!” Castiel laughed.

Sam nodded but turned his head away. When he spoke again after several moments of silence, it was in a kind of whisper that alluded to his desire to know the answer but was afraid he’d get the truth. “You never called Dean.”

Cas felt himself go still. His blood ran cold. He nodded, his head hung with regret. “I know.”

After a few more minutes of silence, Sam spoke again. “It really hurt him, Cas. He doesn’t talk about his feelings a lot, but… he was going through… some stuff. He really could have used his best friend.”

Cas could feel his guilt and shame weigh down his heart. He picked at the rubber on the sole of his shoe. They didn’t speak again for a while.

“Me, too.” Cas whispered.

Sam looked up from the place on the asphalt he had been studying. “You, too… what?”

Cas inhaled a deep breath and met the hazel eyes that bored into him. “I was going through a lot, too… Sam, I know I should have called but… I … figured some things out and… I didn’t know if I should tell Dean. I really wanted to, but… I just didn’t… I don’t know if…” he inhaled another breath to try and stem the tide of tears he thought he had already exhausted.

“If what, Cas?” Sam asked in a quiet voice while softening his posture to something supportive. Cas wondered if Sam knew he did it, or if it was just instinctual.

“I don’t know if he’d want to be my friend anymore if he finds out.” Cas said turning his face away.

They were silent for a while more. The tension rose, but neither knew what to do to dispel it. Cas began reciting prime numbers in his head to calm the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts that whirled around in his mind.

“Wanna go to the mall?” Sam asked.

Cas felt a smile tug at his lips. That one phrase put everything to rights again. It didn’t solve any problems, but helped to defuse the overwhelming pressure between the two friends. The topic was tabled for another time.

He looked up at Dean’s younger brother, the boy who felt more like a brother to him than his own siblings and rose from his spot. He offered Sam his hand.

“I’ll drive…” Cas insisted.

“Good. ‘Cuz Kate won’t let me drive the truck without Dad and Dad told me he was gonna hire one of those driving school guys to do the driving with me from now on…” Sam said as he walked beside his friend.

Cas laughed. “What happened?”

Sam blanched. “Uh… you don’t want to know…”

They pulled into the crowded parking lot and trolled the aisles for a spot. It was packed with Christmas shoppers and children on break finding their leisure.

“Your truck’s a piece of shit, Cas!” Sam exclaimed when he got out at the mall.

“Look, it’s better than what you’re driving… oh, wait!” Cas taunted.

Sam shoved Cas as they walked to the mall entrance.

“Is there a purpose to this trip, or are we here to people watch?” Cas asked.

Sam blushed and hid his hands in his pockets.

“Ah!” Cas teased. “Maybe, Ms. Moore will be here?”

Sam grinned. “She works at Old Navy on the weekends. Since we’re out on break, she picked up some extra hours.”

Cas laughed and slapped a hand across Sam’s back. “Okay, I should do some Christmas shopping, anyway. You go ogle your girlfriend. I’ll meet you at the food court.”

“Thanks, Cas!” Sam beamed and sprinted off. Cas waved and chuckled to himself.

He was looking at some angel figures for his mom when he heard his name being called. He turned to see a petite blonde girl grinning at him.

“Hope!” Cas exclaimed.

“I thought that was you!” Hope said. “When did you get home?”

“Yesterday. I brought Sam to go Christmas shopping.”

Hope laughed. “You mean Jessica-staring.”

Cas nodded as he chuckled, “How’s Adam?”

Hope flushed and held up a bag from a store and put her finger to her closed lips.

“Jewlery?” Cas asked.

“Watch.” Hope explained. “He broke his old one at work.”

Cas nodded. “He’s workin’ at the garage with John?”

“Yeah, since Dean quit… Adam has been pickin’ up the slack.”

The grin faded from Cas’ face. “Dean quit at the garage?”

Hope’s eyes widened. “Sam didn’t say?”

Cas shook his head. “He just said Dean was going through some stuff.”

Hope leaned in and grabbed Cas’ hand. “Let’s go sit down. I’ll fill you in.”

An hour later, Cas was still reeling from all the information Hope shared. Apparently, Dean and John had a huge, knock-down, drag-out over _something_ —Adam wouldn’t say what. John made an ultimatum and Dean left. That night, all of Dean’s belongings were dragged out onto the front lawn and John changed the locks. Dean went to live with Bobby for a while, but that created problems between Bobby and John so Dean got an apartment in town. Dean either quit or got fired at the garage, so Bobby hired him over at Singer’s. He’s been working and going to technical college at night. Dean and John have come to a place where they are able to be in a room together for short periods of time and John lets Sam go to visit his brother but John and Dean no longer speak to each other.

This was all very surprising to Cas since Dean idolized his dad. Dean’s entire personality was a mirror of John. It was inconceivable that something—anything—could get between them that would end this way. Then, he wondered why his mother never said anything. The Winchesters were their neighbors. Something this big could not have escaped her notice. After catching up a bit, Hope left to finish her errands and Cas sat in the food court awaiting Sam.

“Cas?” Sam called and touched his shoulder. Cas shook himself and looked up at Sam. The young man seemed concerned, but Cas noticed he was not alone.

“Oh my gosh! Little Jessie Moore!” Cas rose and embraced Jessica.

“Jess.” She corrected. “I can’t believe you called me Jessie… Unless you _want_ me to call you Cassie?!” Jess smiled as she hugged Cas. “Man, you’re ripped, Cas! What have you been doing?!”

Cas shook his head. “You know, everyone keeps asking me that. It’s not like I was fat and lost a bunch of weight.”

“No, but damn!” Jess kept fingering Cas’ abs through his shirt.

“Knock it off!” Cas brushed her hand away with a laugh.

Jess sighed and hugged Sam.

“Are we hungry, folks?” Sam asked.

“YES!” Both Jess and Cas chorused.

They spent an hour chatting and laughing. Cas kept thinking about his conversation with Hope and just wanted to get Sam alone. Finally, Cas and Sam walked Jess to her car and then went to Cas’ truck.

“Sam…” Cas said when they were sitting in the truck. “What happened between John and Dean?”

The smile on Sam’s face disappeared.  Sam looked away from Cas out the side window. “Who told you?”

“Hope.”

Sam swore and looked at his hands. “You gotta ask Dean, Cas. It’s not my place.”

“Sam. What the hell could have possibly been so bad to cause that?” Cas was flabbergasted.

Sam shook his head. “Uhn-uh, Cas. You have to have that talk with Dean.”

The drive home was silent except for the quirky whines and clicks emitted by the truck. Cas stayed to think even after Sam left to go in his house. He’s gone through a lot... sure... and he should have called home. Dean was still his best friend; even if he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell about his own changes…  Cas felt his own revelations were nothing as life-altering as what Dean went through. Dean had needed him and he didn’t reach out to Cas. The phone lines go two ways. Cas didn’t know... couldn’t have known… but, that was all excuse after excuse. He felt like a bad friend. He held his face in the palms of his hands as he cried. He needed to make it up to Dean somehow.

When he was sure that there would be no more tears, he went into his home.

 


	3. It's Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know… Short chapter… I was astonished that I was ABLE to write fewer than 1000 words.

_Chapter 3 It’s Me_

Cas, Ana, and Charles sat at the dining table for dinner. Cas was distracted and all attempts to engage him resulted in monosyllabic answers. After they finished eating but before clearing the table, Cas asked the question plaguing him all day.

“What happened between Dean and John?”

His parents went silent. His dad’s lips pressed together tightly and his mom looked away from Cas.

“What the hell!” Cas exploded.

“Language!” Charles admonished. The heat died down after a few moments of staring at the pain written all over Castiel. “Son, have you seen Dean?”

Cas shook his head.

“Did you ask Sam when you were out today?”

Cas blew out an exasperated breath. “He just said I had to ask Dean.”

Charles nodded. “Then, you’ll have to ask him, son.” Charles announced an end to the conversation by rising and leaving the room. Ana rose and began clearing the table without so much as a word.

The next day, Cas rose in the morning before the sun and donned his track suit. He left the house as John was kissing Kate good-bye.

“Hey, John. Good morning, Kate,” Cas called.

John looked over at Cas. The curl of his lip and the narrowing of his eyes expressed derision and Cas couldn’t understand what he could have done to earn it. John got into the truck next to Adam and they drove away. Cas approached Kate.

“What did I do?” Cas asked.

Kate placed a sympathetic hand on Cas’ arm. “Nothing, hon. He’s just been… funny. He’ll get over it.”

Cas thought for a moment. “Is it because of Dean?”

Kate smiled a sad little lift of her lips, patted Cas’ arm again and turned to go inside.

“Kate, please!” Cas asked with a catch in his voice.

She shook her head and waved at Cas. He was surprised at his body shaking in anger. His eyes welled up with tears. He began running.

An hour of running and Cas was overheated and drenched. He looked up to the sign on the aluminum siding proclaiming the place as “Singer Auto Restoration and Customization”. His eyes scanned the lot and found a sleek black beauty of American workmanship. He walked over and let his hand lightly trace the metal. He peeked inside the cabin and saw how little had changed from the last time he sat in the Impala. There were a few textbooks for Dean’s Tech classes instead of History and Algebra. The “Modern Muscle” and “Classic Chevy” car magazines replaced “Busty Asian Beauties” and “Jugs” on the floorboard. He looked at the dashboard and saw the chain with a talisman for protection hanging from the ignition. In the visor, he saw two photographs. One was of Sam, Dean, Cas and Adam leaning against the Impala in the student parking lot at the high school. The other, Cas had never seen before. It was a picture of him sleeping. Cas’ heart sped up. When was that picture taken? It was clearly Dean’s room. He recognized the bedspread and the guitar on the stand near the nightstand. It must have been before he left for Europe. Cas looked at it, studied it. He was wearing the medallions for Honor Society and for Key Club. It must have been taken the night of graduation. Cas had stayed with Dean so his parents wouldn’t see him drunk.

“Hey! Hey, you! Get away from my car!”

Cas recognized Dean’s voice. He rose from where he was bent over looking inside the Impala’s windows. The angry pace Dean had before he knew who it was slowed and their eyes met. Dean stopped to stare, his tan face going pale.

“Cas?” There was pain and a strained question beyond the recognition in the one word. Cas took a breath and began walking toward Dean.

“Hey.”

Dean took a step, then another, and another until he rushed to Cas, embracing him in a tight hug. After a few moments, he pulled back and Cas could see tears glistening in his eyes.

“Dude,” said Dean. “You reek.”


	4. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you’ve been waiting for it. Dean and Cas’ reunion. In truth, I was worried about reuniting these two so quickly. There is a lot of water under these bridges and I had a hard time with whether Dean would shut poor Cas out to protect himself from the same hurt that Cas worries he will feel if Dean… anyway, here you go. In the words of Felicia Day, “I don’t discuss my process.”

_Chapter 4 Dean_

There was a shower in the back of the shop. Cas was greeted by Bobby and was led to the locker room to clean up. Dean loaned Cas some jeans he  kept at the shop in case he wanted to go out after work but didn’t want to go all the way  home first. Cas was standing by the lockers wearing just the jeans, waiting for Dean to bring him a shirt, when Dean walked in. Whatever Dean was going to say died on his lips. He held a shirt in his hand, but his mouth gaped and his eyes were wide, staring at Cas’ naked chest.

“You’re gonna catch flies.” Cas said with smirk. He looked down at himself and shrugged. “Go ahead. Everyone else has said something.”

Dean closed his mouth and swallowed hard. His face flushed red and his green eyes roamed over Cas’ body. “You’re…” Dean whispered.

The tone of Dean’s voice made Cas go still and take a quick breath. His smirk disappeared. “What?” Cas asked in the same hushed voice.

Dean approached and put his hand on his friend’s hard muscle with callused fingers. Cas’ skin and flesh twitched and formed goosebumps. He allowed his eyes to slowly shut, enjoying the sensation of Dean’s fingers.

“Dean…” Cas breathed.

Dean flattened his hand along Cas’ abs. He was so close to his friend, but Cas stepped even closer. “Jesus, Cas…”

Cas swallowed and huffed out a mirthless chuckle. Then, as suddenly as the moment began, Dean pulled away. When Cas opened his eyes, he saw the guarded and wary look Dean reserved for the guys who used to pick on them growing up. Cas wanted to cry at the loss of closeness.

“That should fit.” Dean thrust the t-shirt out. Then, he turned and left.

Cas looked at the shirt. Of course it would fit. It belonged to him. But, why did Dean have it with him at work?

Cas came out of the locker room into the garage to hear the beeping back-up alert of a big truck. When the truck stopped and the engine was shut off, a small guy with brown hair jumped from the cab to lift the roll-up door at the back. More beeping alerted all the technicians that the truck’s lift was being operated. All eight men were gathered to help unload at the back of the truck, including Dean.

“Castiel Collins!” a feminine voice called.

“JoAnna Beth Harvelle-Singer!” Cas mimicked.

They laughed and hugged one another.

 “Oh, Boy!!” She squealed. Cas rolled his eyes. “ _Look_ at _this_!”

Jo lifted the front of Cas’ shirt to peek at the muscle underneath.

“Knock it off, Perv!” Cas exclaimed as he slapped her hands away from him.

“Has Dean seen this?” Jo whispered with a grin.

Cas blinked in confusion. “Ye-yes. Why?”

Jo laughed. “No reason, cutie.” Then, she sighed looking up at Cas. “I wish I didn’t love him like a brother, Cas. You are just _too_ delicious. Wish I’d have chased you in school.”

Cas blushed but grinned. “Nah… I wasn’t ripped in school. Besides, I was more interested in my 5.0 GPA than girls.”

Jo nodded with a grin. “Oh, definitely! But, there was always one thing you were more interested in besides College credit classes…” Jo whispered teasingly.

Cas glanced around blushing even hotter. Dean was with the rest of the men unloading pieces of cars and parts from the back of the truck.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He mumbled out.

She eyed him, and then grabbed his arm, dragging him into the office. She sat him down on the run-down couch. “Come on, Cas. Don’t treat me like I’m stupid. I’ve known you forever… at _least_ as long as Dean!”

Cas fiddled with the skin next to his cuticle and bit his lip. He murmured something Jo couldn’t hear.

“What?” Jo demanded.

“Don’t say anything, Jo.” Cas pled.

Jo blinked at him in her confusion. She narrowed her eyes. “Why not?” Then, realization dawned on her. “You haven’t _told_ him? I thought that was why… You’re not serious! He _doesn’t_ know?”

Cas shook his head. His eyes held hers in desperation. “I was gonna tell him… but, I chickened out. Jo, I can handle anyone else… If he knows and he… I just couldn’t handle it if I say something and..” Cas was sure he’d cry again. “Please!”

She shook her head and sank into the seat beside him with a smile.” What a pair you are, Cas!” She squeezed his hand. “You tell him. That’s how it should be, anyway. But, don’t wait too long, Cas. He needs you and it would be better… for both of you… if he knows.”

Cas nodded though he was confused at her cryptic advice.

“Hey!” She shouted. “We should go out tonight!”

Cas shook his head with hesitation. “I don’t know…”

“Oh, I do!” She jumped up and dialed on the phone until a loud tone chimed on the speakers in the garage. “Andy, Dean… Don’t make any plans tonight. We’re goin’ out.” Then, she hung up the phone.

Cas and Jo talked for an hour only to be interrupted by the phone or a customer. Dean and the shorter brown-haired man from the truck came into the office around noon. Jo squealed and embraced the other man.

“Have you met Cas?” She asked the man in her arms. The man’s eyes darted from Dean to Cas.

“Finally… I’ve heard a ton about you, dude. Hey, Cas… I’m Andy, Jo’s love slave and minion.” He laughed as he held out his hand to shake Cas’. He turned his attention back to Jo. “Honey, I got some stuff I gotta handle, so if you want me to be able to go out tonight, I gotta ditch you here for an hour.”

Jo smiled brightly. “Ooo! Presents? Are you getting me something?”

Andy rolled his eyes. “Not all about you, Lover.” He touched his finger to her nose before kissing her. “Nice to meet you, Cas. See ya tonight.”

With that, Andy waved and left.

Cas watched him go when a thought occurred to him.

“Dean, you don’t have classes tonight, do you?”

Dean blinked in surprise and smiled. “No. I just completed one of my components. The next one doesn’t start until January.”

Cas caught Dean’s eyes. They conveyed months of loneliness and missed time. The spell lasted until the phone rang. Cas looked away first to smile at Jo’s disgruntled expression at being disturbed. When he looked back at Dean, he found that he was being scrutinized.

“Dean, take a lunch…” Jo said with her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. “I’ll see you tonight, Cas.” Then, she returned to conducting business for her step-dad.


	5. The Bluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But, look… it doesn’t get resolved that quickly *spoiler*. I have two more chapters where there is angst angst and cliffy type stuff. Don’t be mad… I am typing as fast as I can to transcribe the story from my handwritten chicken-scratch to uploadable gold.

_Chapter 5 The Bluff_

Cas fidgeted until Dean took control. “Go get your stuff, Cas.”

Cas ran off to find his track clothes and returned to the office. Dean suppressed laughter at Cas. He could see it was just short of bubbling over. Cas felt eager and excited to be with his friend again. All the feelings of doubt and fear melted as they walked to the Impala, just as they had done countless times before. Cas happily trailing behind Dean until he slid into the seat next to him. He caressed the upholstery as if greeting an old friend. It felt like old times. Gone was the uncertainty. This was right. Dean and Cas in the Impala. Then, Cas looked over at Dean and the giddiness evaporated. He noticed the hard clench in Dean’s jaw. There was no relaxed smile, carefree slouch or near-negligent grip of his hand on the wheel. Dean was tense and in pain. Cas’ smile slid off and he hunkered down in the seat, trying to make himself small.

“Don’t do that.” Dean said.

Cas looked over to meet Dean’s gaze. The hurt there was different now.

“Do what?”

“Don’t… You do that when you fail a test… as if you would ever _actually_ fail a test… or anything else. So, when you _worry_ about failing a test… You used to do that when those douches would call you names and you believed what they said. You used to crawl inside yourself, Cas, and hide there like a mouse. Don’t do that.”

Cas watched Dean as he said those things to him. The feelings inside him that he repressed all those years were hard to dismiss. He never wanted to hurt Dean. He knew the things he needed to say to Dean would hurt him. But, the feelings made him want to cry. He swallowed them whole and nodded his head. Dean started the ignition.

They drove for a few minutes before Cas smiled again. Dean was taking them to the Bluff. They used to go there at night and watch the city lights come on. They used to go there right after Kate and Adam moved in because Dean had been the caretaker and Man-of-the-house for so long, it hurt and confused him when he had to defer to a new authority figure. He took them there after he and Lisa ‘did it’ for the first time. Dean worried about what it meant and he couldn’t deal with the emotions that unexpectedly arose. They went to the Bluff the night before Cas left for Europe and again before he left for University. All their big moments were commemorated there.

When they parked near the guardrail under the salt cedar tree, they sat there listening to the radio turned low, but neither spoke. Dean sank back into the seat and stared out the windshield. Cas could see the question Dean couldn’t ask.

“I stared at the phone. I dialed your number. I hung up before it could connect. I did it a hundred times.” Cas answered anyway. His voice was quiet and anxious. Cas took a deep breath and continued. “Mom got pregnant with Michael when she was seventeen. It was a huge scandal. Dad was pissed that Dziadek called her names and said she wasn’t his daughter. She got excommunicated from the church because she had Mike before they got married. I guess it was a lot harsher about that sort of thing back then… Dad didn’t care. He loved her. They took off and found a pastor who would marry them…” Cas went silent for a few moments. “Gabriel came ten months later. I worried for a long time about how hard it must have been for them when I came so late. She was in her thirties and I was an accident.”

“No, you weren’t. “ Dean interrupted. “Your mother thinks you are her angel, a blessing. She didn’t plan to have you, but you were never a mistake or an accident.”

Cas looked into Dean’s eyes once more. He nodded while fighting back his wild emotions. He inhaled and began again. “I knew that if I… if I fail… or… make a… mistake… my parents can cast me out like that. They can disown me like Dziadek disowned Mom… They could and I’d be okay. I love them. I’d miss them. I’d be sad. But, I’d be okay. Mike and Gabriel could completely cut me out of their lives. I wouldn’t really notice any difference to tell you the truth. I could handle all that, Dean. But, if you said you never wanted me in your life…” Cas grabbed the back of his head and leaned to duck between his knees. His breathing came rapid and gasping.

“Cas!” Dean jumped over to grab Cas’ shoulders. “Cas, calm down. I’m not going anywhere.”

Cas tried to even out his breathing. He nodded but wrapped his arms around his head tighter. “I have to tell you…” Cas whimpered.

Dean pulled away. “What did you… Did you…” Dean gasped a ragged breath, got out of the car, nearly running to the front of the Impala with his hand over his mouth.

Cas lifted his head to look out at Dean. He left. Cas cried. Tears streamed down his face. He just said he wouldn’t leave, and he left.


	6. Who I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback to Cas' initial experiences in University.

_Chapter 6 Who I Am_

The first week in the dorms, he walked onto campus to find a carnival of groups and people. Booths with Greek letters had flyers encouraging new students to come and join, music played on a dais, the smell of food… oh, the food… wafted all over the commons.

“Hey, sexy.” Cas looked to see a cute woman with black hair peering up at him with dark brown eyes. She handed him a flyer with CCC across the top, the border containing flags from all different countries. Cas looked at her, a question in his blue eyes.

“Cross-Cultural Center.” She pointed at the flyer. “We’re having an international potluck barbecue on Saturday afternoon. It’s co-sponsored by LGBT and we’ll have a live band. It’ll be fun! I’m Maddie.”

Cas nodded as he shook her hand. “What’s LGBT?”

Maddie smiled. “Come on.” She grabbed his hand and led him to another table brightly decorated with rainbow flags and streamers. There was a waifish man with bleached platinum hair to the middle of his back, long pale neck and limbs and shocking clear blue eyes. He hugged Maddie when she got close. She turned to Cas. “This is Joey. He’s gonna tell you all about LGBT. This is …” She waited for him to supply his name.

“I’m Castiel Collins… Cas.” He offered his hand.

“Well, hi Cas. You want to join the LGBT? Please, say yes.”

Cas was confused. “Uh… I don’t know. What is it?”

Joey slumped slightly pulling a pout of dissatisfaction before explaining how the Center for students in the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgendered community provides advocacy and a safe place to come, share ideas and learn about issues of import to them. They spoke for nearly an hour before Joey asked if Cas wanted to talk more later. Joey offered to show Cas around, introduce him to the best places to go in the area around school. Cas agreed. As he was walking away, he wondered if he just agreed to a date.

The more he learned about Joey, Maddie, and the cadre of companions that routinely frequented the centers, the more he liked them. He was always made to feel welcome, safe and unjudged. When he and Joey went walking on campus, sometimes Joey would hold his hand. At first, Cas blushed and fidgeted. As time went on, Cas would reach for Joey’s hand when they went places.

Despite his comfort with his new friends, he longed for Home. He told Joey all about sitting on the roof under the old oak tree outside his bedroom window. He told him about the Impala, about his family and the others who were connected to the Collins and Winchesters in a spiderweb of degrees of separation. He kept feeling that he wanted to acknowledge out loud what he knew for years, but it was scary. He nearly called Dean after he met Joey and Maddie and beg him to come. But, then the fear won out and he never pushed send.

The more he learned about his new friends, the more he learned about himself. He’s always considered himself open-minded. Attending college exposed him to new people and ideas that challenged all his conceptions to the point where he had to admit how narrow his world view had been. This made him fear what his friends and family would think about him should they know the real Castiel.

His roommate was out with his harem, as Cas called them. Joey told Cas he was just being bitchy when he said things like that. He and Joey sat on Cas’ bed, leaning against the headboard together listening to music while Cas wrote in his journal.

“Do you write about me?” Joey asked.

“Shhh.” Cas admonished. “Sometimes.”

A few moments passed with just the scratch of pen to paper and Pink on the speakers.

“I’ll bet Dean is on every page.” Joey mused. “I should have a chapter in your memoirs, ‘The Not-Boyfriend Who Not-Competed with Dean Winchester for the Affection of Castiel Collins’.”

Cas stopped writing and looked at his friend. “Jealousy?”

Joey pretended to consider it before answering. “Maybe… a little bit. I know I shouldn’t be jealous. But, you haven’t even come out to him Castiel. You write love letters in your journal to him, but he doesn’t even know you’re gay.”

Cas pulled away from him. He sat with his legs over the side of the bed, closed his journal in a drawer and shut his eyes. “I haven’t told anyone… not even you… You just assumed. I never said.”

Joey remained quiet, but reached a hand to Cas’ shoulder. “Have you even said it to yourself… alone? Like in a mirror?”

Cas shook his head.

“What are you afraid will happen?”

Cas pressed his hands together.  He felt his palms sweat, his pulse quicken, a pressure in his chest. “I’m afraid that… if I say it, it’ll be true.”

Joey leaned forward. He put his chin where his hand had been.” Will being true change who you are?”

Cas opened his eyes. He shrugged a little. “Maybe not. But, I couldn’t live the lie anymore. I’d have to … I’d have to tell other people.”

Joey nodded. “You’d have to tell Dean.”

Cas rose from his bed and paced the room, his agitation growing. “What if…”

“Stop!” Joey jumped to his feet. He gripped Cas’ face between his palms. “Just… stop!”

Castiel tried to take a deep cleansing breath. He closed his eyes again to help calm himself down.

“’What if’ is dangerous. ‘What if’ can burn your mind up with terror and whittle away your self-confidence. Castiel… you are an amazing man. You are strong, confident, intelligent, funny, compassionate, hot as hell… Here’s the answer to ‘What if’. You come back here. You tell _me_ you’re gay. We throw a party where I kiss you on the mouth and parade you all over town as my boyfriend. Hell, do that anyway! Dean’s dating his high school sweetie. They’ll get married, have 2.5 kids and a dog. So, when you tell him and he’s cool with it and tells you that you guys are best friends, that he doesn’t  have a problem with who you love, we can plan to attend their wedding with me as your ‘plus one’. I’ll dance with the groom and I’ll tell him how sick to death I was hearing his name, but congratulations on his happy day.”

Cas stared into Joey’s crystal clear eyes. He was everything Dean wasn’t and some things that Dean was. He cared for Joey, but he didn’t love him. The scenario painted for him was like a hot poker through the heart. But, this would represent the best in ‘What if’ conclusions. He nodded in acquiescence. Cas planned to make the trip home for the weekend to tell Dean. Then, he found reason after reason to not go home.

Joey became more and more frustrated with Castiel, but their friendship remained the same.  Before Thanksgiving break, Cas planned to tell his family when he went home. He had an anxiety attack that had him vomiting into the toilet for three days. He called home to tell them he was ill and wouldn’t be coming home. Before finals… before finally coming home, Cas stood in front of the mirror, Joey holding his hand in support, practicing saying, “I’m gay.” He nearly passed out each and every time.

He was alone in his room. Joey was studying in the library. Luke, his roommate, was out with his harem (seriously, how did the man pass classes?). He stared into his own face in the mirror. He realized that he had grown in the last six months. He wasn’t the same kid that left home. He was disciplined, always had been. He was intelligent, strong and somehow managed to be extremely lucky when making friends. He had good judgment which led him to remain friends with good people.

“Dean is a good friend, Castiel. But, he’s just a friend.”Cas told himself. “You’re… you’re…” Cas gulped. “You’re gay.” The words were choked and hoarse, so he tried again. He took a deep breath. “You’re… gay.” He said it with more confidence. “I can do this. I haven’t made a mistake. I’m not a demon. God and my family love me. I’m… I’m gay.”

He had to sit down, his legs wobbled and he leaned his head between his knees. Just then, Luke came into the room.

“What’s wrong with you?” Luke asked.

Cas looked up with watery eyes. “I’m gay,” he reported.

Luke looked at him with an unimpressed expression. “Duh.” He grabbed his bookbag. “Don’t wait up,” He said and then left. Cas stared at the closed door.


	7. Reveleations

_Chapter 7 Revelations_

Cas managed his breathing enough to join Dean in front of the car. He walked up and leaned against the hood next to Dean. They were still and silent.

“I’m gay.” Castiel said at last. Cas could feel Dean’s eyes on him. He didn’t elaborate or explain. He’d known for years. Telling Dean was possibly the hardest thing he’d ever done. The choked sound from Dean surprised Castiel, but not more than seeing Dean slide down the front of the car gasping for breath. Cas watched as Dean fell on the dirt to sit on his ass.

“Dean!” Cas reached for him, but was waved off one-handed by Dean. His other hand hid his face.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel said as he sat in the dirt next to him.

Dean’s head shot up. Their eyes met. Cas saw how red Dean’s green eyes were and cringed at having made his friend cry.

“Why?” Dean croaked.

“Why am I gay?” Cas asked.

“No, Jackass! Why are you only _now_ telling me this? Why didn’t you call me the minute you had an inkling? Why did you abandon me here, alone, for _months?_ Why weren’t you here when I had to tell my dad that the reason Lis and I broke up was because she found out I was in love with my best friend? Why weren’t you here when my dad kicked me out because I wouldn’t take it back… telling me I was wrong? You know, that night was the hardest night of my life? I snuck into your room and slept on your bed. I couldn’t think what else to do! I was _alone_. Cas, I stared up at your stupid stars on your stupid ceiling thinking all I wanted was for you to hold me. I sat on your bed trying to figure out why my life turned into a complete cluster-fuck. I went through your dresser, your closet, looking for anything of you to help how incredibly fucked I was. Know what I found?”

Cas shook his head, dumbfounded. Dean plucked the front of Cas’ shirt-- a black t-shirt with big red friendly letters that read: “Don’t Panic”. Cas laughed. Dean joined him. Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand in his own. Dean slowly twined their fingers together.

“I was afraid of the best case scenario being that you wouldn’t care I was gay, but I had to watch you marry Lisa.” Cas admitted. “Or worse, you didn’t want to see me anymore.”

“Yeah, well…” Dean hedged. “She wasn’t my brightest idea ever. Still, I thought you were telling me you knocked some chick up. I thought that would be my luck… I’m in love with the guy and he’s telling me he’s gonna be a dad.”

They sat in the dirt leaning against the bumper of the Impala on the bluff, fingers holding their hands together. Cas groaned, closing his eyes and thumping his head against the bumper.

“What?” Dean asked.

“Jo!” Cas exclaimed. “She knew I was gay! She knew about you!”

“Well, yeah. After coming out to Dad, it pretty much spread all over our social circles like wild fire. I can’t think of two people who don’t know.”

“She gave me… urgh! The woman is impossible!” Cas laughed again.

“Oh, my god!” Dean started to rise but didn’t want to release Cas. “I gotta go back to work!”

Cas nodded and began pulling away. Dean yanked his hand, sending Cas crashing into Dean’s chest.

“Wha?” Cas started.

Dean pressed his lips to Cas’. Cas smiled in response and Dean pushed in his tongue and wrapped Cas with his free hand around his waist, pressing their bodies together in a tight embrace. Cas smoothed his hand up Dean’s chest, to his shoulder and traced further upward until he was brushing fingers into the short hair at Dean’s nape. Dean gasped and pulled his head back, shivering his whole body and shifting his legs. His eyes were closed and he fought a whimper. Cas continued to watch the reaction with fascinated blue eyes and a wicked grin.

“You… are evil!” Dean admonished.

He released Cas but they both hesitated before pulling away. Cas caressed his hand down from behind Dean’s ear tracing the cut of his stubbled jaw down his throat to his chest. He couldn’t believe he was being afforded the opportunity to touch Dean—his best friend since grade school, Dean; the only man he thought of romantically, Dean; object of dreams and fantasies, Dean… Dean, Dean, Dean!

They turned slowly and walked back to opposite doors to get in the car. They never lost track of the other in their vision, stealing covert glances, sharing shy smiles. When Dean started the ignition, he reached his hand to entwine fingers again. They kept finding themselves staring in awe at each other.

They rode in companionable silence until they were close to the shop. Cas looked about at his surroundings as though just realizing he was back from a dream.

“Hey, Dean? Can you drop me at Kat and Oh, Henry’s?”

Dean grinned and signaled the turn before nodding in answer. They pulled into the drive and both wore grins and rose-blushed cheeks. Cas leaned over and planted a kiss that Dean turned to receive.

“Want me to pick you up here?” Dean asked.

“Oh! Right! Dinner… Yeah, I’ll call if that changes.” Cas’ eyes were wide and sparkling. His smile was the morning sun after a night of terrible darkness. Dean drank it in and held in the percolating laughter his happiness was generating.

Cas walked backward toward the front door, unwilling to leave Dean or have the man in the car from his sight for a moment lest it all be revealed another fantastic dream. Dean, likewise, was unwilling to back the car out of the drive for the same reason.


	8. Tell Me

_Chapter  8 Tell Me_

Cas rang his aunt’s doorbell, but watched Dean’s slow and reluctant departure.

“Little Owl! My love! My heart! What are you doing here?”

 Cas was still smiling in giddy delight. “I’m gay!” He declared.

He had no hesitancy or fear and the confidence of the statement coupled with his broad grin led Kat to smile and wrap her arms around her nephew.

“Come in and have a tea, Nephew!”

Cas relayed elements of the last year he had left on the editing-room floor when he shared his experience with his parents. He told her about the LGBT and Joey. He told her about all the times he felt like he was lying to himself and his loved-ones.

“What changed for you, Little Owl?”

 Cas peeked up at his aunt in bashful glee. “Dean.”

The smile changed on Kat’s face but didn’t diminish as she nodded understanding. “Ah.”

Cas blinked. “What do you mean, ‘Ah’?”

Kat grinned and poured the hot water into the cup with a tea bag and handed it to her nephew.

“Castiel, you’ve been in love with Dean Winchester since third grade. I remember you sitting on the sidewalk because Fred Cooper pushed you and stole your bug scoop. I was watching you while your mother was at the hospital… remember that Gabriel managed to sit on a wine glass? I was almost to you when Dean came over with your toy in his hand and a bloody nose. You two sat on that curb and I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I saw your face. It was like… It was better-than-Christmas on your face.” Kat stirred sugar substitute into her cup.

They quietly drank their tea.

“Aunt Kat… did… did Mom tell you anything about the night John and Dean…”

Kat’s smile did fade at this memory. “Oh, Castiel… my Little Owl…” She shook her head. “John, well… John is proud and his ideas about things are…” Kat broke off trying to find a diplomatic phrase to describe what she thought might not be flattering.

“I just don’t understand, Aunt Kat. John never seemed like the kind of person who would kick his kid out of the house and fire him… wait… Mom didn’t tell you.” Cas deduced.

Kat inhaled and became as serious as Cas had ever seen her.

“Castiel, you are… well, you’re not a boy anymore. You’ve been more mature and wiser than any kid your age… twice your age, if you consider Gabriel… so, I feel like I can be honest with you. I won’t talk to you as though you are unable to process this, okay.  But, I need you to agree, right now, that you really want to know. You may discover truths that are not what you thought. I _can_ tell you. I _will_ tell you. But, you have to _really_ be sure you want to know.” Kat reached for Cas’ hand. Her purple-tinted contacts enhanced the intensity of her stare.

Cas considered telling her that he wanted to think about it. Kat never treated him in a way that was condescending. She always spoke to him in tone and vocabulary as though he was able to comprehend information more mature for a boy his age. She never spoke down to him or sugar-coated things. She was a lot like Gabriel… or Gabriel was a lot like Kat. She never lied. He knew if she said that it would be a bitter pill, he wouldn’t like it. He nodded. She waited, her eyes intent on his.

“I want to know.” Cas blanched and his mouth went suddenly dry.


	9. Open and Affirming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a long flashback from Kat's PoV. It explains what happened "that night".

_Chapter 9 Open and Affirming_

The night was passed in pleasant conversation and familial bonding. Kat sat on the arm of the over-sized fluffy green couch in the living room. She leaned her arm across the back and drew her fingers through her husband’s dark brown curls. Oh, Henry tolerated her grooming while rubbing his hand in loving abstraction over her legs lying in his lap.

They were listening to Charles relay a tale of office drama between his co-worker and her current love interest. Charles had some difficulty with Dani when she first arrived at the office, finding her flighty and distractible. As he grew to know her, though, he realized she reminded him of Kat. The stories about Dani’s dramatic existence amused him for the similarities to his free-spirited sister-in-law.

“I swear… God’s honest truth!” Charles told them through his laughter and tear-filled eyes.

“Did anyone tell her at least?” Oh, Henry asked.

“I’m not entirely sure she didn’t already know. I don’t think it would have mattered to her in the slightest, anyway. She just seemed so confused about why the guy had a giant chipmunk outfit that had such convenient access, you know… there.”

“Your office is a cesspool of sexual deviants!” Ana complained.

“But, if they weren’t so open about their deviancy, I’d never have anything amusing to say when Kat came over!” Charles explained to his wife. Ana sniffed in mock disdain as the others laughed. It was then that they heard the yelling outside.

Out by the black Impala parked in the neighbor’s driveway, Dean and his long-time girlfriend, Lisa, stood yelling at one another. Kat reached to open the window.

“No, Kat! This isn’t our business! Come away from the window.” Ana whispered in disapproval.

“They’re teenagers, Anastasia. The drama of the young has been fodder for the entertainment industry for years! We might well pick up plot ideas for a New York Times Best Seller!” Kat responded as she slipped the window open a small amount—just enough to invite the young voices inside.

“You know what, Dean? I should have realized sooner there was an issue!” Lisa screeched, “It should have tipped me off that you never want to have sex with the lights on!”

Oh, Henry blanched and pulled away from the window. “I agree with Anastasia, My Heart. Maybe, we should leave the young ones a semblance of privacy.”

Kat waved him away as she strained to hear Dean’s response. Oh, Henry withdrew to the kitchen following Ana. Charles went back to sit on the couch.

Dean’s response was too quiet to hear. Lisa’s voice pitched an octave higher when she continued.

“I don’t give a flying… Dean, you didn’t just call me another person’s name! You called a _guy’s_ name... during sex… with me!”

“Not because… it was just…” Dean tried to explain with a clearly embarrassed voice. He once again tried to get Lisa to modulate her volume.

“I will _not_ be quiet! I want the whole street… the city… to hear me! Dean Fuckin’ Winchester calls a _guy’s_ name out when he’s butt-fucking his girlfriend… sorry… _ex_ -girlfriend! I should never have agreed to let you start doing that in the first place, Dean! That was red-flag number two! I should write a book: How to Tell If Your Boyfriend is a Closeted Homosexual! I could get endorsements from Michelle Bachman. I bet she can relate!”

“Lisa, can you just get in the car so we can…” Dean tried again.

“No! I never worried about getting pregnant, Dean. I always thought that was why you liked to finish that way. But, now I know… you _couldn’t_ finish any other way! Tell me, Dean… Did you think about his pretty blue eyes _EVERY_ time we’ve done it? Did you imagine it was his hair you would pull? Do I have too much curve for you, Dean? Is that why you enjoyed rubbing my back but never touched my breasts?”

“Lisa, stop… _please!_ Just… stop!”

Kat could hear the anguish in Dean’s voice. At this point, she grabbed her keys and opened the door. She went to her car and saw Dean duck his head after seeing her. Lisa still stood rigid with anger.

“That’s _enough_ , Lisa!” Kat said in her most authoritative voice. “Get in the car and I’ll take you home.”

Lisa glared daggers at Kat but began walking to the Land Rover. Kat walked over to Dean and nestled him under her arm. She kissed his head as he wrapped his arms around her in tight desperation, his body trembling. The tears were choking him but he pulled away and got into the driver’s seat of the Impala. He was still sitting there with the engine off as Kat drove Lisa home.

Lisa didn’t respond to any coaxing to talk on the way. When Kat returned to the house, the Impala was gone and all the lights were on at the Winchester’s home. “Did I miss anything?” Kat asked.

Oh, Henry sat with anger clouding his expression. This was unusual for him as he rarely fluffed up his feathers. “What happened?” Kat asked with her eyes trained on her husband. He didn’t respond at all. She tore her eyes away from Oh, Henry to look at her sister who sat nervously flicking her eyes from her husband to her brother-in-law. Kat faced off with Charles.

“What. Happened?” Her voice and attitude went to that place inside Kat where the older sister stood up to her parents the night they told Ana to leave. Katia Novak was a force to be reckoned with when her protective streak came out. She was having no nonsense from the men in the living room.

“Henry and I disagree about fundamental truths.” Charles said.

“What truths?” Kat prompted her eyes going to her husband.

“John Winchester came over here tonight after you left to take the girl home. He told Charles that he didn’t want his boy over here anymore and Charles agreed.”

“He’s not our boy, Henry!” Charles shouted.

“But, the things that man was saying, Charles. It wasn’t about him disapproving of the boy coming over here and you know it!”

Ana whimpered and left the room.

“Now, look what you did!” Charles bellowed as he pointed in the direction in which Ana had disappeared.

“Shut up, both of you!” Kat commanded. Kat was trying to put two and two together and kept coming up with frogs. “What things, Henry?” Kat asked. Charles started to respond but one harsh look from Kat and he snapped his mouth shut closed with and audible “pop”.

“He told Charles that he wanted to educate his son and the instruction had to happen according to what he believed was right.” Henry’s mouth formed a grimace of disgust. “He said he was trying to teach Dean about how he was supposed to behave in the world and outside ideas would confuse him and counter the lessons he needed to learn in order to ‘be a man’!”

Kat stared at her husband in shock. Then, she looked at Charles. He didn’t look at all abashed that he made the choice he did.

“You can’t be serious!” Kat exclaimed.

Charles nodded, arms crossed in front of him. “He’s not our kid.”

Kat shook her head. “What about Cas?”

Charles reeled back, face contorted in confusion. “What about Cas? He’s at school?”

Kat couldn’t believe it. Could the man really be this far in denial… or just unobservant?

“Lisa was pissed, but you know she was basically outing Dean because he has feelings for Cas?”

Charles’ eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. How did you get that from a lover’s tiff? Did she say something in the car? You can’t believe anything about that when she’s scorned! It has nothing to do with my son. He had nothing to do with what went on out there tonight!”

Charles was completely closed off and unwilling to listen.

“You heard her! Christ, the entire block heard her. She outed Dean because…”

“Shut up, Katia!” Charles yelled. “It wasn’t Cas!”

“I have news for you, Charles. I’d be willing to bet dollars to donuts you and John Winchester have the same problem. The question is will you handle it as badly as he did? I can tell you, for my part…” she looked to Henry. He nodded, defiance glinted in his eyes. “For our part, if Castiel comes knocking at our door, he will have a safe place with us. We will accept him and all he is.”

Henry rose and offered his wife his arm. They left the house to see John throwing Dean’s clothes into the yard. They shook their heads in disgust.

“That goes for you, too, John!” Kat cried.

John lifted his head to scowl at Kat. “You don’t scare me, Kat. He’s my boy!”

“He’s not a boy, any more, John… but, if he’s looking for open and affirming he’ll find it with us!” With that she stalked to the Land Rover and left.


	10. The Doll Room

_Chapter 10 The Doll Room_

Castiel laid back on the fluffy down comforter in the guest bedroom. Kat rarely had guests but each room was decorated by theme. This was “dollhouse”. Oh, Henry and Gabriel were completely disturbed by the room’s décor, but any time either returned from a business trip or vacation, they contributed to the growing collection of dolls. Gabriel looked for the most outrageous donations he could find. As a result, the room was never really used as a guest room, but as a display room for an ever-increasing collection of disturbing-looking dolls.

The bed, Cas had discovered years ago, was the most comfortable in the house. All the linens were the softest. He hated the dolls, but loved the room.

He stared at the flower painted ceiling. Kat hand painted each one, the same as she painted the constellations on his ceiling. His brain was in over-drive and he was having difficulty placing pieces to form a coherent picture. He closed his eyes.

“Gah! I think this room had gotten worse since I was here last!” Dean’s voice jarred Cas from his musing. He jumped on the bed lying on his stomach. “You’re right, though…”

“About what?” Cas asked with a smile.

Dean rolled onto his back and stretched. “Definitely the best bed ever.”

Cas chuckled. He watched Dean close his eyes. Castiel reached his hand over to rub fingers against Dean short spiky hair. He caressed Dean’s head with tender strokes. Dean remained still, eyes closed, breathing even. “Keep that up and I’ll fall asleep.”

Cas snorted but didn’t cease his ministrations. After several minutes, he leaned down and kissed his best friend on his temple. Dean half-opened his eyes in lazy contemplation before reaching his own hand up to Cas’ face to trace over his eyes and down the side of his face. Dean’s eyes snapped open and a lascivious grin lit his face, his hands moved to the hem of Cas’ shirt as he popped up on the bed to sit cross-legged in front of Cas.

“What are you doing, Dean?” Cas asked. Dean’s grin grew wider and more mischievous.

“I wanna finish what I started earlier.”

With that, he lifted Cas’ shirt over his head and threw it on the ground. His eyes focused on Cas’ abdomen and ran his hands up and down his ridged muscles. “You’re so…” Dean whispered in awe.

“Ripped? Bumpy? …Awesome?” Cas grinned. Dean nodded laughing.

“Yeah, but…” their eyes met. “It’s stupid… never mind.”

Cas sat up and held Dean’s hands in his. “Don’t say that, Dean. You can tell me anything. There’s nothing left to keep from each other.”

“That was…” Dean ducked his head, hiding the big grin that appeared on his face. “That was… incredibly sappy, Cas. They teach you that at college?”

Castiel laughed and yanked Dean with him as he lay down, wrapping his arms tight around him. Dean laid his head on Cas’ bare chest.

“I thought when I saw you after your shower… I thought, ‘Oh my God! He’s beautiful!’” Dean looked up into Cas’ blue eyes. “I thought, ‘I’m doomed. I fell in love with a nerdy little school-boy and he went away only to get prettier than _me_.’ Jesus, Cas!”

Cas laughed, tightened his embrace and leaned over to kiss Dean on the top of his head. “I’m still me, Dean.”

Dean nodded, his cheek resting on Cas’ chest. “Only hotter. What am I supposed to do now? I can’t let you go back to college looking like this!”

Dean was jostled by the deep chuckle coming from Cas. Dean scowled. He was being serious.

“Why don’t we worry about that later? I’m hungry and Jo will skin us both if we’re late.”

“That’s an idea. Anything to ugly you up, babe.”

Cas quirked his eyebrow at the pet name but said nothing. He went to rise from the bed, but Dean dragged him back down and pounced on him, straddling his hips and pressing his shoulders down with his hands. Dean hovered over his friend and a shy smile grew on Cas’ lips. Dean slowly lowered himself to lie with their chests together. Cas hummed in appreciation of Dean’s weight on him. The first kiss was tentative—almost chaste. Dean swept the tip of his nose to brush with Cas’; skin barely brushing skin. Dean’s breath was hot and minty. Cas smiled at the thought of Dean brushing his teeth in anticipation of coming to see him. Cas shifted his hips to relieve a discomfort growing at finally having a fantasy re-enacted in the most unlikely place. Uh-oh.

“Dean… we can’t do this here.” Cas whispered.

“Why not?” Dean teased. “The dolls don’t mind.”

Cas grimaced at the thought of the glass eyes of dozens of porcelain, creepy dolls judging him. “I do. Get up.”

Cas pushed at Dean’s chest and shoulders to get him to move. “Come on. Dinner first. Maybe later we can pick up this conversation again… somewhere with fewer creepy things to watch us.”

Dean scanned the faces of the dolls on shelves and cabinets all over the room. “Eeugh. Maybe you’re right. I can just imagine them coming to life and mangling us.” Dean agreed.

“You’re not the only one. No more Stephen King… for like… ever.” Cas said as he reached for his shirt and pulled it on.

They were almost to the door when Cas called out to Kat that they were leaving.

“Wait!” She called from the kitchen. “Hang on!”

She came running into the room with several brown paper lunch bags. Dean laughed and took them from her.

“Thanks, Aunt Kat…” Castiel said. “But, we’re going to dinner.”

Kat smiled and kissed her nephew. “Oh, that’s okay. Gabriel and I compete with each other. These are some cookies that I want him to try.” She had handed the bags marked with names of the contents to Dean and pecked the boy on his cheek. “Let me know what he says!”

“Will do.” Dean assured her and led a perplexed Cas to the car.

“Why… how will you be seeing my brother?” Cas asked as they were pulling out of the driveway.

Dean chuckled. "Don’t you ever talk to your family, Cas?” Dean relaxed into the driver’s seat and turned the car toward The Roadhouse. “He’s my room-mate.”


	11. Roadhouse

_Chapter 11 Roadhouse_

The atmosphere was relaxed and comfortable as the four friends waited for their food. They joked and shared stories with Andy about Jo, Dean and Cas’ “Wonder Years”.

“Anyway,” Jo was smiling at her friends, “Cas completely bailed on the next semester’s homework, classwork and tests. I’ve never seen him so miserable!”

Cas nodded sheepishly.

“I didn’t know that!” Dean exclaimed.

Cas blushed when Jo laughed. “What? You thought somehow the incredible Castiel Collins managed to _fail_ eighth grade? The _only_ way that was ever going to happen was deliberately.” Jo concluded.

Dean gaped in wide-eyed astonishment as Cas took a drink of water. “Did you…” Dean’s voice cracked and he strangled a swell of emotions. “I believed you! You told your parents it was because of the pressure and expectations were finally getting to you! I believed you!”

“What a load of crap! Haha! I can’t believe you fell for that!” Jo teased.

Dean grabbed Cas’ hand under the table as he gazed into blue eyes in astonishment and awe. He leaned in to whisper in his ear. “For me?”

Cas ducked his head and his blush grew more scarlet all the way to his ears. He nodded. Dean reached a hand to grip Cas’ neck and drew him close so he could kiss him on his temple. He leaned his forehead against Cas’ head.

“Guys, cut out the PDAs, okay.” Jo complained, but her smile never wavered and tears shone bright in her eyes.

“So, I take it you finally let Cas in on the big secret?” Andy laughed.

Dean picked up a napkin and chucked it at Andy. “Shut it!” Dean scowled.

Cas blinked, alternating his gaze from Dean to Andy. “What secret?”

Jo and Andy laughed loudly at Cas’ innocence. Dean just smiled all the way to his eyes. “We’ll talk about it later.”

The waitress arrived then, shifting the topic of conversation to food. They ate and spoke about some light-hearted news, Bobby talking about renewing his vows with Ellen. Bobby thought it might be nice if he planned a proposal since Ellen _told_ him they were getting married the first time around. Their anniversary was in June and he thought six months would be plenty of time to plan the ceremony. He was kicking around asking either at Christmas or New Year’s Eve.

“I think New Year’s Eve would be so romantic.” Jo gushed.

All three men just blankly stared at her mushy romantic expression. “I need more girl friends.” She reported with a resigned sigh. “Aren’t gay guys supposed to… I don’t know… get gushy over girlie shit like that?”

“Not these gay guys!” Dean protested. “We didn’t suddenly have a personality transplant just because we’re willing to admit to liking guys, Jo.”

“Come on! Cas… you were always the sensitive one. Please, tell me you have a romantic side.” Jo said.

Cas thought about it. “Sorry.”

“Gah!” Jo said as she pushed away from the table in a huff.

Andy leaned in, his hand on her thigh to whisper in her ear. She dropped her eyes and smiled widely, a blush grew hot on her cheeks and she giggled before nodding. Andy resumed his seat and continued eating.

Dean watched with a calculating eye. “What did you say?”

Andy gloated with a defiant grin. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

They were done with dinner, but couldn’t gather the desire to leave the company of good friends at their leisure. They had resumed some more stories and reminiscing with happiness in the glow around them.

Castiel’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He looked at the ID and pushed <ignore>. The expression he adopted had Dean asking if he was all right. Cas nodded but he looked like he might be sick.

“You’re not gonna hurl, are you?” Jo asked.

“JoAnna Beth! That’s disgusting.” Andy said.

“Yeah, but look at him! Did you get food poisoning? I told you not to eat sea bugs.”

Dean objected, but leaned in to Cas to ask again if he was okay.

Cas nodded. “Maybe, I should…” He got up to go toward the bathroom. Dean and Jo tracked him with their eyes. They looked back at each other when he disappeared behind the door and they shrugged.

“What the hell, Cas?” The irritated voice yelled on the line. “I know you pressed ignore. It went straight to voicemail.”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t talk.” Cas said. There was no reply. “Joey?”

“I’m here.” Joey responded. “I haven’t heard from you, so I got worried.”

“I’m okay. I’m out at dinner with friends.”

“Dean?” Joey asked. “Did you tell him?”

“Yes.” Cas couldn’t keep the grin out of his voice.

“And?” Joey prompted.

“It’s a longer conversation than I want to have right now.” Cas evaded cautiously.

“Well, since you’ve told him and are out to dinner with him… it must’ve gone well.”

“Yes.” Castiel said, smiling again. He wanted to tell Joey everything but, at the same time, feared telling him anything.

“All right, Cassie. I’ll let you go… but, I want a full report tomorrow!” Joey demanded.

Cas nodded. “Okay. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night.”

“Good night. And Cas…”

“Yes?”

“I miss you.” Joey said.

Cas swallowed. “Yeah,” his heart raced. He felt like he might hurl after all. “Me, too. Talk to you tomorrow.”


	12. Gabriel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing Gabriel. I blame Lampito for the Chihuahuas.

Cas thought he might be dreaming. He was aware of metallic banging and wooden cupboards slamming. But, his mind was too fogged by sleep to decipher meaning. He imagined a parade of Chihuahuas marching through the Cross-Cultural Center. The Chihuahuas were banging pots and pans together with great fanfare while Joey and Maddie searched the cabinets for coffee beans to chuck at them. He moaned in his semi-sleep induced fantasy and told them to look in the office because that was were he last saw the lasagna. That’s when Dean’s voice came over the intercom to inform them that lasagna was a breakfast food. Dream-Cas scrunched his face up at the center’s speakers and declared the Chihuahuas weren’t allowed to have breakfast until they turned in the boomerangs. The disembodied voice chuckled at this revelation, but Cas was determined that the dogs weren’t welcome.

A loud clanging sounded over Cas as his brother started shouting, “Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!”

Cas shot upright in his place on the couch. Warm blankets covered him and Dean sat near the pillow that, until a moment ago, cushioned his head. Dean scowled at Gabriel.

“That was mean.”

Cas cast his eyes around the small living room in confusion.

“So is life.” Gabriel responded in an uncaring tone. Then, he added with more vigor, “Up and at ‘em, Cassie-boy!”

“Gabriel?” Cas asked with a hoarse voice.

“Well, I’m not a Chihuahua!” His brother declared, retreating into the kitchen.

Cas was confused. He looked up at Dean with sleepy eyes, hair standing at odd angles and tilted his head. “Chihuahua?” Cas asked.

Dean laughed and dragged his friend into a warm embrace. He kissed Cas’ head and rubbed his hands up and down his arms. Cas hummed in contentment. He squirmed until he was practically sitting in Dean’s lap. His eyes closed and a smile lit his face. “’Morning.”

“Good morning.” Dean whispered into Cas’ hair as he nuzzled him. Neither boy wanted to move from the comfort of each other’s embrace.

“Hey, I’m not cooking _and_ serving breakfast in bed! Get the lead out!” Gabriel cut in.

“I should call Mom and Dad.” Cas worried aloud, shooting off the couch.

“I called.” Gabriel told him. Cas looked at his older brother. “Last night when Prince Charming carried you in… after you _apparently_ fell asleep in the car… after _allegedly_ getting sick at the restaurant.” Gabriel got into Cas’ space and glared at him seriously. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

Cas scoffed at his brother but blushed anyway.

“Dean! If you’ve knocked up my brother….” Gabriel turned on his room-mate.

“Yeah, though, I think it’d have to have been Immaculate Conception.” Dean snarked.

“Oh, my GOD!” Gabriel shouted, Cas winced as his brother knelt down in front of him and laid a light touch of his palms to his stomach. “The new messiah!” Gabriel turned his head upwards to glare at Cas. “But, you’re not a virgin.”

The look on Cas’ face as he swatted his brother away from him and the way Cas wouldn’t make eye contact told the truth.

“ _Seriously?_ Cas! You’re a virgin!?” Cas huffed at Gabriel as he left the room, the food on his plate untouched. “What kind of _friend_ are you, Dean?” Gabriel rounded on his room-mate. “How come you haven’t gotten him laid?”

“Gabe, lay off!” Dean groused. “He’s your brother! Why can’t you accept him as he is?”

“I accept him as he is… all nerdy and straight-laced… Oh, wait! Not really “straight”-laced, though, huh?”

“Shut up, Gabe!”

“Gay-laced… no, that’s wrong on _so_ many levels. I’ll think of a word.” Gabriel mumbled as he closed himself in his room.

Dean approached Cas, who sat, head in his hands, on the couch.

“You’re not really letting _Gabriel_ get to you, are you?” Dean asked.

“The man’s a force of nature. Call FEMA.” Cas complained.

“They’ve been.” Dean said with aplomb. “They can’t help until the storm is done doing the damage.”

Cas huffed an unbelieving snort. “Not even then.” Dean nodded.

“What’s this _really_ about, Cas?”

Cas took a long time to answer. “Do you remember the friend I told you about back at school?” Cas began. He really was feeling ill, Dean nodded. “Well…” Cas swallowed but his mouth still felt dry. “Joey… I think that…” Cas had trouble speaking coherent words. He drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Joey helped me through a whole bunch of self-doubt. He helped me be able to look at myself and admit who I was…”

“Do you love him?” Dean whisper seemed weak and pained.

“What?! No! Dean! That’s not…” Dean let out the breath he was holding in a relieved sigh. “But, I think he might have… well, he might have _feelings_ for me.”

Dean nodded then leaned back without making eye contact with Cas. “Who wouldn’t, Cas? Have you met you?” Dean joked.

“Not funny, Dean.” Cas was serious. “Look, best case scenario when I was at school was we stay friends, I go to your wedding with Joey and watch you get married to Lisa. I never entertained, even a minute, where you tell me…”

“What is it with you?” Dean interrupted. “I’m not _with_ Lisa, anymore. Hello?” Dean pointed to himself. “Gay!”

Cas nodded. “Yeah, but…”

“No ‘yeah, but’, Cas! I’m gay! I got outed to my dad by Lisa after I broke up with her. I got kicked out of my house! I can’t be in the same room as my dad without him saying something rude about the guys I may or may not be seeing. And, before you ask,” Dean held up a hand. “I haven’t been ‘seeing’ anyone since Lisa.”

They sat in silence for several minutes. The door to Gabriel’s room swung open and Gabriel stood half-way dressed with a toothbrush in is hand. “Prissy-trimmed!” He declared. Then, his demeanor deflated. “No, not right. I’ll think of something.” He went back in his room and closed the door.

“How can you stand it?”

Dean shrugged, but smiled before kissing Cas on the forehead.

 


	13. Coming Out

Castiel declared to his brother and Dean that he wanted to go speak to his parents today, to ‘come out’ to them. Gabriel happily informed his “twisty-thonged” brother that they probably already know. Dean offered to go with him.

“That’s an awesome idea!” Gabriel chirped. “I was getting tired of having a room-mate anyway. As Dean’s next of kin, where do you want me to send his things?”

Cas slapped his brother upside the back of his head. Gabriel looked at Cas in disbelief before pointing a finger in accusation at Dean.

“I blame you for this…. He used to be so ‘curvey-twined’ before he met you.” He dropped his tone in derision. “Now, he’s all _uppity_ and _opinionated_.”

Cas told Dean that he didn’t think he’d need ‘back-up’ but to keep a phone handy. Dean dropped Cas off at his house and Sam came out to take Cas’ place in the front seat of the Impala. It was Saturday and he hadn’t showered since Bobby’s shop. That was his first order of business when he got home.

His mom and dad were sitting in the living room perusing the laptop for movie times.

“Cas, tell your father that it’s both manly and becoming to take his wife to see a romantic drama if there’s a war veteran as the male lead.” She said as he walked in.

“No, Ana. You got to see that crazy one with the chick in India and the bicycle… what was that thing called?”

“Eat, Pray, Love… It wasn’t crazy.” Ana answered. “And that was years ago.”

Charles turned his sparkling happy eyes to regard his son who was still standing. “What’s the matter, son? You look like you might be sick.”

Ana’s head snapped to see her son fidget and turn white. She rose from her spot next to her husband to place a cool hand on Cas’ forehead. “You’re not warm,” she commented.

Cas shook his head and held both her hands in his. He looked into her worried eyes. “I need to tell you guys something.”

The serious tone as well as Cas’ obvious discomfort caused both his parents to adopt serious expressions, to lean forward on the couch, their whole countenances alert and attentive.

“I… um…” Cas started. He had practiced what he wanted to say to them. He imagined a hundred different reactions. He huffed out a breath. “I haven’t… told you everything. I’ve been… keeping a secret for a really long time.”

He lowered himself with a heavy thump into the over-sized chair across from his parents. He scrubbed his hands through his damp but drying hair.

“What is it, Castiel?” His mother asked him.

“I was always alone… you know… in school. I had a few really close friends, but… they had no idea. When I got to University… well, I wasn’t alone anymore.” Cas adopted a faraway expression that the feeling of belonging to a group of people had engendered. “I wasn’t… any way, I felt like I could finally be myself.”

“You can always be yourself here. You have to know that.” His mother objected.

Cas looked at his father. He was shifting and uncomfortable in his seat. He folded his arms across his chest. His eyes wandered everywhere but at Cas. Cas wondered if he knew what Cas wanted to disclose based on his defensive posture.

“Can I?” Cas asked with pointed confidence at his father. His mother changed the focus of her attention to the man sat next to her. He refused to meet her gaze. She sighed.

“Yes, Castiel.” She said finally, though she said it with a resigned tolerance. “Even if we aren’t… comfortable… with who you… with what you do, you are _our_ son. We love you. You can be who you are.” Her gaze never left his father. Charles nodded in distracted agreement, but not at his son.

“You know, I’d really like to believe that, Mom. But, we always thought the same thing about the Winchesters. I always thought I was welcome, thought of as family. So, when Dean told his family he was gay… they threw him out.” Cas said in a soft, cautious voice.

Charles turned quickly and rose to his feet, thunder in his expression. “We are _not_ the Winchesters, Castiel!” He fumed. “ _I_ am _not_ John! You are my son. We’ve known you were… different… for a long time. We…” Charles began pacing. Cas was dumbfounded. Charles had all the wind from his sails fail him as suddenly as they had instigated him into action. He sank into his seat and leaned over his lap with his head in his hands.  “I’m going to have to call Kat…”

Ana smiled at her husband, putting her arm across his shoulders and drawing her face close to whisper in his ear. He chuckled at what she had whispered and lifted his eyes to finally meet his son’s.

“Give me time before you start bringing boys home… okay?” He told Cas.

Cas’ breath was caught in surprise. His blue eyes watered and he choked out a ragged sound.  All the tension he hadn’t realized he was holding was ebbing. He collapsed into the back of the chair like a marionette with cut strings. He sobbed into his palms. He heard the vague conversation around him, but didn’t focus on the words. All he cared about was that his parents already knew… and with time, would accept all of who he was.


	14. I Want Pie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING* M/M smut ahead. This doesn’t really advance the plot so if graphic scenes of M/M intimacy (read: sex) isn’t your bag, don’t read.

Cas drove his rickety old red pick-up truck to Gabriel’s apartment. He barely stopped to catch his breath as he rushed to knock on the door. Dean answered to find himself with arms full of lithe muscle and his mouth captured in an excited and happy kiss. Dean tumbled backward through the room, into the couch as he retreated from the door without even closing it. Sam walked to the open door and closed it behind him as he left through it.

Castiel straddled his legs on either side of Dean and held Dean’s face in his hands as he continued open-mouthed frantic kisses. Dean held his hands behind loosely at Cas’ hips. When Dean let his tongue slip through in one of the passionate meeting of mouth to mouth, Cas stopped. He pulled back a fraction of a breath and gazed at Dean’s green eyes. He nudged at Dean’s nose with his own. When their lips met again, it was a tentative brush and Cas licked a kittenish touch of his tongue to Dean’s.

Dean moaned and closed his eyes. Cas spread his legs further apart to allow his denim-clad thighs lower onto Dean’s lap. The weight against his groin elicited another gasping noise from Dean. He wrapped his arms around Cas. Their tongues continued their slow exploration of each other. Cas felt Dean tense and his muscle shift under him as Dean moved to stand without dislodging him.

Cas tried to back off to allow Dean to rise but found himself restrained from leaving. Dean reached under Cas to lift him. Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist and encircled his arms around Dean’s neck. Cas could feel Dean’s mouth form a smile as he rose from the couch to head to his bedroom. He kicked the door closed and leaned so Cas could lock the door. He shuffled to the bed and fell with Cas’ body under him.

They lay there, staring into each other’s eyes. Dean looked down between them and began to caress his fingers down Cas’ chest. Cas remained still as he looked at Dean, studying his expressions, his eyes, his face. He reached his fingers to softly touch the angles of Dean’s face, swiping them over his lips, over his nose and eyebrows. Cas felt Dean’s hands stop at the hem of Cas’ t-shirt. Dean glanced at Cas and waited. Cas nodded and Dean moved his shaking hands to lift the shirt up over Cas’ head. Dean’s sharp intake of breath as he looked at his friend and the dilated pupil within the ring of green and dark blue said all that was needed. Cas smiled and crossed his arms behind his head, flexing the muscles over his ribs and chest. Dean sighed in appreciation. His hands flattened over them, causing them to twitch and move under his palm.

Dean leaned over Cas to flick a soft tongue over hard muscle, sending hot breaths onto Cas, licking and sliding teeth until he came to Cas navel. Dean peeked up through eyelashes lowered in shy flirtation when he heard a shuttering gasp from Cas. Cas thrust an instinctive rut of his pelvis into the weight above him.

Dean sat up with his knees bracketing sharp hip bones, sitting on Cas’ lap. He reached up to remove his shirt, throwing it with haphazard abandon before lowering himself to hover over Cas. Cas was panting, his eyes dark in the shadows of the room but were honed with laser-like intensity on to the face of Dean Winchester.

“I love you, Dean.” He said.

The resulting smile illuminated the room. Dean wasn’t repulsed by Cas’ declaration as he feared he might. He kissed Cas with just a touch of lips to lips.  Cas relaxed and mirrored Dean’s expression.

Dean reached between them and fingered the button at Cas’ pants. “Would you like to know what I think about that, Cas?” Dean teased.

Cas nodded with quick head movements as he lifted his hips to meet Dean once more. Dean captured Cas’ mouth with lips and teeth as he unbuttoned and unzipped Cas’ pants.

The wonton sigh Cas exhaled as he threw his head back into the pillow egged Dean on. Dean slid down to pull the pants and underwear with him. Cas lifted to aid the release of his body from the fabric. He slid his hand to the rising flesh of his erection while Dean removed his own pants before crawling up Cas’ body. He took the hand Cas was holding to his penis and pinned it beside Cas’ head before doing the same for the other hand. Their faces were inches apart and there was nothing separating skin from skin.

Dean began moving his body. The delicious friction, the sensual movement of one’s hair, skin, firm erection against the other brought panting, whimpering, and gasping moans of excitement and pleasure. The kissing and exploring continued, interrupted by a wave of stuttering breaths as one or the other was overcome by the sensations.

Soon, they abandoned the sweet tenderness of loving kisses for primal grunting and thrusts in between them. The pace became ragged, un-coordinated, frantic with the groans becoming cries of release. They gripped each other with tiny stilted movements as the orgasms ripped from them ebbed into lazy breathing. Dean blanketed Cas in boneless bliss.

Cas, having been filled with post-eruptive euphoria, brushed his hand through the short strands of wet hair on Dean’s head. Their breathing became more even, relaxed and measured. They were silent and still, but they didn’t sleep. They were enjoying being in one another’s arms. The wordless sentiments of their hearts lulled them both in contentment. Dean kissed Cas’ shoulder, up his neck, to his lips. He stared into Cas’ face with a smirk.

“I want pie.”


	15. Are We?

A shower, change and quick make out session later and they went in search of Sam.

“Where are you?” Dean asked into his old, crappy prepaid phone. “Stay there. We’ll come get you.”

Cas and Dean rolled up to the bookstore on the corner a short distance from the apartment. Sam hopped in the backseat with a disgruntled put-out grimace.

“I hate the back seat,” he complained, “my legs are too long.”

“Well, too bad, Bitch.” Dean smiled into the rear-view.

Sam smiled back at his brother. “Fine, then I’ll sit behind you and you can feel my knees in your back, Jerk!” Sam joked.

They pulled into the parking lot of Dean’s favorite bakery, _Gabriel’s Doughlectible Creations_. The three friends walked in to the sound of jingling bells above the door. The entire room smelled of warm sugar and sweet bread.

“Gabe!” Dean called in lieu of ringing the pink and light green bell on the counter.

“Dean!” Gabe responded as he emerged from the kitchen. He flashed a broad smile at the three standing at the glass display case countertop. Dean had his nose practically pressed to the glass to peruse Gabriel’s offerings while Cas made shy eye contact with his brother. Sam argued with Dean about what they would order.

“Well?” Gabriel asked in a brusque aside.

Cas nodded and his eyes slid to where Dean was arguing the merits of custard over fruit pie with his brother. Gabriel let his entire face light with delight. He reached to pull his little brother into a tight embrace. “Good for you.” Gabe whispered into his ear. “Do you need to move out? I can’t imagine Dad took it well…”

Castiel shook his head. “They both surprised me, Gabe. It’ll take a while, but…” Cas’ eyes trailed back to Dean.

Gabriel followed his gaze and laughed. He slapped a hand across Cas’ back. “Well,” He said in a much louder voice, “In celebration for my brother’s balls of steel… _one_ slice… Dean! ONE… is on the house!”

Dean’s smile was beatific as he pointed at the case. Gabriel seemed to know what Dean wanted without looking and went to plate the pie.

The three were seated at a table with floral tablecloths. Dean was making obscene noises while eating pie, much to the amusement of Castiel and to the chagrin of Sam. When Dean had finished, he sat back in his chair with his hands folded across his middle while wearing a very self-satisfied smirk.

“So, now you’ve told your parents. Gabe obviously knows. If Dean didn’t know before,” Sam looked at his brother and blushed, “He does now… Does this mean you two are… you know… together?”

Dean’s smile slid slowly away as he shot a nervous glance at Cas. Cas took a deep breath to answer but the self-assured almost-smile didn’t slip.  “We haven’t really gotten around to formalizing what kind of relationship we have…”

Dean blinked in confusion, but Sam nodded in understanding.

“What the hell? Seriously, Cas?” Dean ranted. Gabriel looked over from where he was helping a customer.

“What?” Cas asked.

“No! Absolutely not! You can’t come to my house…”

“My brother’s apartment, actually…”

“… and molest me…”

“… I didn’t hear you ask me to stop…”

“…and then sit there and say we aren’t in a relationship…”

“… I never said we weren’t in a relationship!”

“Sounded like it to me!”

“Well, I didn’t! I just said we hadn’t talked about it, yet.”

“What’s there to talk about?”

Castiel opened his mouth to retort but nothing came out. He looked up in thought, tried again, but still nothing. Dean sat back again, still fuming but basking in his victory when Cas opened and closed his mouth a few more times, but had no rebuttal.

“So, yes… Sam… we are in a relationship. As if anyone could be friends as long as we have and not be once we realized… you know…”Dean gestured vaguely.

“That you’re both gay?” Sam grinned

“Well… yeah.” Dean said. They both looked over at Cas who was still trying to think of something to say, but managed to stop looking like a fish out of water.

Cas was deep in thought while the brothers talked about what they wanted to do this evening. It seemed they expected Cas to go along with whatever they decided. He was watching Dean lean forward to make his case for pizza, a movie, and possibly playing a video game. Sam’s body language revealed to Cas that he didn’t really have as strong preference about going out—bowling, Cas cringed—as he did about arguing with Dean. His slight smirk and occasional sidelong glance at Cas invited him to play along.

“I believe I might like Sam’s option as well.” He finally chimed in.

Dean leaned back in his seat and blinked. Cas stood ram-rod straight in his seat with an inscrutable expression on his face. Dean’s eye went to Cas’ hands and then he smiled.

“Oh, really?” Dean asked, “Bowling?”

Cas gulped, but nodded. Dean’s smile went from his mouth to his eyes and he leaned back, relaxed. “Okay, Cas.”

Cas was taken aback and he looked to Sam, who shared his poleaxed expression. “Well…” Cas squeaked, “good. That’s… yeah. That’s settled.”

Dean started laughing and reached to remove the shredded remains of napkin from Cas’ hands. “You are a great liar, Cas… except to me.. I know ALL your tells.”

Cas looked at his hands and realized he had made a mess of paper in front of him in his nervousness. “So… we don’t really have to go bowling?” he asked.


	16. From You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short (less than 1000 words). Next chapter is REALLY long, so I think it balances out.

The credits rolled and Cas was too comfortable leaning his back into Dean’s chest to move. Dean slid his fingers up and down Cas’ arm, his breath ghosting against his neck and ear. Sam’s snuffled breathing told them that he had fallen asleep on the couch. Gabriel had come in as Indy was yelling for Willi Scott to pull the counter-lever or they’d die. He left prior to the discovery of the Shankara Stones were glowing diamonds in an ancient effigy. He waved at Dean, telling him there were morning pastries in the kitchen and he would like to have at least one when he got back. Dean turned the television off at the copyright warnings in Japanese, but neither he nor Castiel moved.

This feeling of comfort and belonging filled them. There was none of the repression or conflict Cas had felt growing up. Cas discovered that Dean was accepting—whole-heartedly accepting—of all that Cas was. It made him feel like a whole person and it was more than he could have dreamed possible. But, there was still that part, the bit that was always sure that ‘too good to be true’ generally was. It kept niggling at his brain like a burrowing spider in his mind. He couldn’t identify it yet, but he knew it would strike him, ruin him, if he didn’t figure it out.

“I can take some time off work.” Dean rumbled quietly in his ear.Cas smiled and buried himself further into his boyfriend’s embrace.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pressed light touches of his lips to Cas’ neck. Cas rolled his eyes back as electricity spiked through him. It took him a couple of minutes before his ‘upstairs brain’ kicked back in. “I think Bobby would be upset.”

“Hm…” Dean kept up his torment of Cas trying to distract his logic centers. “Maybe, I can ask for half days… just until…”

There it was. Cas knew what that spider meant to tell him and his blood ran cold. “…until I leave.”

Cas pulled away from Dean. Dean was surprised but waited for Cas to get the panic to wind down. Cas walked across the apartment to the window to look out at the parking lot. He easily made out his rickety old pick-up next to Baby under the soft glow of the light. His breathing was erratic but he didn’t feel any tears. Dean stood and went to him. Cas held his arm out to stop Dean before he could come closer. Cas didn’t know if he’d be able to hold back the emotions if Dean held him.

“What’s wrong with me?” he whispered.

He had always had control of his emotions and somehow he was losing that trademark stoicism. Dean looked over his shoulder at his slumbering brother and grabbed Cas’ hand to lead him to his room. Once there, Dean closed the door as Cas went to sit on the bed.

“What’s wrong is that you don’t have to hide who you are, Cas.” Dean told him. “You and I both.”

Cas looked up as Dean approached him with caution, afraid to startle of frighten him back into a panic. “Shouldn’t that make it easier?”

Dean shook his head. “Not necessarily.” He sat next to Cas and took his hand with loving care. “I mean… we’ve been hiding for so long, the stress was bound to get to us eventually. It happened to me about a month after you were gone.” Dean looked down at the hand he held in his own, examining it with a tender expression.

Cas remembered the story Kat told him. “The night you and Lisa fought?”

Dean looked up at Cas. They stared into each other’s eyes, Dean searching for an answer to the question in his mind. “I asked Kat… she told me some things, but… I would really like to know… from you.” Cas added quietly

Dean scoffed. “I don’t thnk it would be a good story to hear before bed.”

“Maybe…” Cas said. “But, I’d still like to know.”


	17. Every Day You Were Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a LOOONNNGGG Flashback of Dean's experiences. Dean tells Cas about what happened to him while Cas was off doing his stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it’s 7650 something words. It’s LONG!!!! But, I hope I made it flow well enough that it isn’t too hard to read in one sitting. *spoiler* There is a Lisa/Dean sex scene in here, so if you don’t like it, you’ll figure out where it is and you can skip that part. I tried to make it not as graphic as I know I can. This is Dean’s experience, so it parallels the timeline for Cas’ version. It includes moments that Cas, Kat, and Sam recollect. I hope you like it.

Dean crawled up the tree to sit on the roof under Cas’ window. The change in his routine was barely noticeable at first. He had worked every day at the garage. Even if Cas was home, he wouldn’t have been able to spend much time with him. Still, he crawled his way over to their place on the roof every night after dinner to sit. He could hear the kids from the neighborhood playing in the street. Days went on well past the clock’s chimes of evening hours since the sun seemed to revel in summer as much as the school kids.

When the last rays of the sun deepened into dark blue of night, he climbed down. He’d been dodging Lisa’s insistent phone calls for days. He didn’t know why her voice irritated him so much now when it hadn’t before. He opened the door to his home to see Sam and their dad watching baseball on television.

“Hey, you got mail.” Sam pointed to the basket in the hall. Dean’s eyes lit up.

“Cas?”

“Yeah. Apparently, he’s in Germany… or he was when he sent you the letter.” Sam told him.

Dean went to get his mail when his father piped in. “Your girlfriend called… again. Is everything all right with you two?”

Dean nodded and swallowed. “Yeah, she’s just… needy.”

John chuckled at that but went back to the game. Dean closed his bedroom door behind him as he looked at the postmark over the foreign stamps on the envelope. He sat on his bed and lifted the flap to reveal parchment paper with every inch decorated in Castiel’s precise handwriting.

                Dear Dean,

Hamburg was gorgeous, but the only place to get a burger was MacDonald’s! You know I’d never eat that garbage… even on a dare!

I’ll be headed to Hamelin next, then on to Frankfort.

The architecture here is amazing. Everywhere I go, there are beautiful buildings and things for me to photograph. There is a wonderful mix of the new with the historic that I find fascinating.

I thought about going to the opera—they have one of the finest ballet companies here—but, I couldn’t get tickets. I guess I’ll have to come back some day to see them. I took a boat tour and went to see the St. Michaelis church. It was named after the archangel, Michael. I sent pictures to Chicago. I hope my brother enjoys them. I couldn’t help but think about him while I was there. There is a giant statue of the archangel defeating Lucifer under the arch. I wasn’t allowed to take photos, but I bought some to send.

Dresden was nice, too. I met this couple backpacking through Europe, staying in youth hostels. They’re from Chicago and I told them about my brother who is an Assistant District Attorney there. They told me they had heard of him! Can you believe that? It’s such a small world. One of them told me his dad was a public defender who routinely curses the name of Michael Collins! Haha. I am not sure I will be telling this to Michael.

Anyway, I can’t wait to see you. I bought something for you that I think you’ll appreciate. I try to find one place in each city I go that I think you’d have wanted to visit. I take a bunch of pictures and try to bring something from there along… I’ll give you a hint: Hey Jude.

It’s getting late. The streets are still packed with people even this late, but I am too tired to join them. I miss sitting on the roof at the end of days like this and telling you everything. It feels like I’m missing something or forgetting something—like a phantom limb. I search my pockets to see if I’ve left something behind. It’s only at night, before I sleep, that I realize what it is. I wish you were here.

Your friend,

Castiel Collins

“I miss you, too, Cas. Hurry home.”

The next weeks were hard on Dean. He and Lisa bickered every day over inconsequential things. His dad badgered him about ‘sulking’ each day at the garage. When he snapped at Adam for asking for a ride to the park, John pulled him into the garage for a heart-to-heart.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Dean… but, figure it out. If I catch you sulking or snapping at me or one of your brothers one more time, I’m takin’ the keys to the car and you’ll walk to work. As for Lisa, either make it right or break it off. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t need to be strung along.” John waited for Dean to make eye contact.

“Yes, sir.” Dean said.

For a few more weeks, Dean managed to stay out of trouble. The closer to the time when Cas would be returning, Dean’s attitude became lighter. He joked around with Sam and Adam more often and John made the comment that he was glad Dean finally was coming out of his ‘funk’.

“Dad, I’m going with Mr. and Mrs. Collins to pick up Cas, okay?” Dean told his dad the day before Cas’ return.

“Can’t you wait to see him after work?” John asked.

“He’ll be leaving for school next week. I was hoping to get some time before he leaves again.”

“Huh…” John continued to ratchet a bolt under the hood of the car on which he was working. “Okay, but I swear if you act like you did over the last month when he’s gone again, I will knock you into next week. Understood?” The smile on John’s face softened the acid of his statement.

“Yes, sir.”

“Get back to work.”

Cas was exhausted when he returned. Dean lay on his bed with the pictures scattered out over the bedspread. Cas was putting them into plastic sleeves for his albums.

“You could sleep. I won’t mind.” Dean told him.

Cas shook his head. “I need to reset my circadian rhythm.”

Dean laughed. He missed Cas’ very academic phrasing. He watched as Cas took methodic care placing the pictures in order. Dean leaned his back against the headboard, content to have his friend with him. From time to time, Cas would stop his album-making to lean on the headboard next to Dean. He would close his eyes, the only sounds in the room were the music from the radio and the soft inhalations of the boys’ breathing. Cas was sitting very still next to Dean, his arm touching Dean’s side as his head began to droop. No matter how hard Cas fought to stay awake, he couldn’t stave it off any longer. Dean grinned as his friend finally succumbed.

His head lolled to the side to rest on Dean’s shoulder. Dean closed his eyes, his body completely relaxed. He didn’t sleep, but remained still so Cas could. He rested his cheek on top of Cas’ head. He breathed in the eucalyptus and mint fragrance of Cas’ shampoo.

Soon, he listened to Cas mutter in his sleep. Some of what he said was in German. Dean smiled and pressed his lips to the dark mess of hair. His eyes popped open and his body tensed.

“Cas.” He coughed. “Hey, man. I thought you said you wanted to reset your Cascadian rhythm.”

Cas stretched and whined but woke up enough to correct Dean, saying the rhythms had nothing to do with the Pacific Northwest. He needed to reset his circadian sleep patterns.

“Yeah, whatever. Let’s go get lunch.”

They spent most of their time together and Dean began to withdraw from family and other friends. He was quiet and introspective. Cas watched him with a wary eye until the end of the week.

“Dean, what’s wrong?”

Dean threw another rock into the canyon below the Bluff. They had driven up there so Dean could….

Dean looked at Cas. What did he really want to do? Tell him how very much he missed him and how he didn’t want to feel the pain of that loss again? What could Cas do about that? Dean never wanted to be an obstacle and Cas needed to be at University. It was like nerd’s natural habitat and Dean knew he could never ask him to stay.

Could he leave everything here and follow Cas? What would that be like? He’d uproot and… what? There was no way he would be accepted into the school this late… even if he had the grades or the money. He could get a job, an apartment… but, he’d only ever worked at the garage with his dad and he didn’t have his certificate. What kind of job would he be qualified to get? He’d make nothing as a porter at a dealership or garage. Certainly, he wouldn’t make enough to live on. What kind of life could he offer his friend if he…

“Nothing, Cas…” Dean said.

How would he even know if Cas would have him? Cas never expressed an interest in girls, but neither had he expressed an interest in guys. Maybe, Cas would be okay with the two of them moving into an apartment together, but how would he feel if he knew Dean wanted more—always had?

He looked sidelong at his friend to find him staring. “Quit staring at me, Cas. I’m fine… just… I’ll miss you.”

Cas came over to where Dean stood on the other side of the guardrail looking over the steep incline covered in shrubs and weeds, brown from lack of water and searing summer heat.

“I’ll miss you, too, Dean. It’s not forever. We can… call and … and Skype…” Cas seemed at a loss. “It’s only a couple hours’ drive.”

Dean knew what this was. It was potentially the beginning of the end. They would start drifting apart. Outside of school, they didn’t really have anything in common. What would they talk about? Dean threw another rock. He turned his body to hide the tears that threatened to fall. As the city lights began to twinkle in the dusk, they sat on the hood of the Impala. They sat so close to each other, they were warmed by the other’s body heat.

“C’mon, Cas…” Dean’s voice sounded hoarse and strained. “Big day tomorrow. I’ll take you home.”

Cas nodded. He wiped a hand over his eyes and, in the growing darkness, Dean didn’t see the tears that streaked his face.

Dean tried to keep it together. He was frustrated that Lisa kept calling and he hadn’t heard a word from Cas in weeks. John was not an easy person to work for when you _weren’t_ his son. He was an ogre when you were.

“Get your head on what you’re doing, boy!” John yelled.

Dean took a deep breath, resisting the urge to throw the wrench in his hand. “Yes, sir,” he pushed out from between clenched teeth.

He went to the workbench to get a torque wrench. When he set the tool to turn the head bolt, it slipped and fell from his hands with a loud clatter of metal on concrete.

“Dean!”

“Son of a bitch!” Dean cried and left the garage.

He knew better than to drive angry, so John found him sitting with his forehead on the steering wheel of his car.

“What’s going on, Dean?” John asked through the open driver’s side window.

Dean didn’t answer for a long time. He shifted his face away from his dad and wiped his eyes before lifting them to meet his father’s.

“Can I go home?” Dean asked.

John studied him before nodding. “Is it Lisa?” he asked.

Dean scoffed. “If it was _only_ Lisa, I could say ‘yes’,” he responded.

John nodded again. “Okay. Go home, get your head right. But, I want you here, ready to work first thing tomorrow!”

Dean took a breath and smiled at his dad. “Yes, sir.”

His brain was so scrambled with emotions, he didn’t check the caller ID before lifting the phone to his ear. He cringed when he heard the voice on the other line.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Lisa asked.

“I’m not… I’ve been busy.”

“We need to talk, Dean… tonight.”

Dean sighed. She was right. He couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t lie to her anymore.

He drove into the driveway at the Braedon’s house. He knocked and while he waited, he fidgeted with his shirt.

“Oh, hello, Dean!”

“Hello, Mr. Braedon. I’m here for Lisa.” Dean told him.

Mr. Braedon stepped aside to admit Dean. They spoke about work and sports. Mr. Braedon inquired after John and Dean asked him how his office softball team did. He was just bemoaning how close they came to going to the finals when Lisa came down the stairs.

“Good night, Mr. Braedon.”

“’Night, Dean. Don’t be such a stranger.”

Dean grunted non-committedly as he walked Lisa out to the car. They went to the diner for dinner and then, to the park to talk.

“Lisa, I’m sorry I’ve been a dick lately.”

Lisa shrugged and fussed with her sweater. “I just don’t know what’s going on, Dean. I wish you’d tell me.”

He couldn’t get a better opening than that. “I don’t think it’s fair to you…” he sighed heavily. “What I mean is…”

“Are you breaking up with me?” she whispered.

Dean nodded. “I’m sorry, Lis… I just… I just can’t.”

“You can’t… or you can’t with me?” The woman was a master archer. She hit the bulls-eye in one. Dean scrubbed his face but didn’t answer.

Lisa nodded. “So, there’s someone else.”

Dean kept looking away from her. He hung his head and kicked at imaginary targets on the ground.

“Who?” she asked.

“No one, Lisa. Okay?”

“Who?”

Dean felt his stomach turn. He was not about to confess to her. Especially if she was mad. The air was cool as autumn was getting under way. He felt the damp air seep into his jacket to pimple at his skin. He shivered.  “No one, Lis. I just… with work and all, it’s not fair for me to keep… it’s just not fair to you.”

Lisa contemplated what he was saying. She stepped closer to him. “I know you have a lot to deal with, Dean. John’s never been easy on you just ‘cause you’re his son. I’m patient…”

She stroked her hands up Dean’s sides and reached to wrap them behind him under his jacket. She lifted up to kiss him with a soft touch of her lips. “I just want you to answer my calls…” she kissed him again. “Maybe, take me out…” Another kiss and a step to bring her body flush with his. “And occasionally… take me…”

This time, Lisa began a passionate and forceful press of her mouth against his. Dean responded as he had so many times before. “Let’s go to the car.” She suggested with a sultry voice.

In the back seat of the Impala, they stripped each other of clothing. They touched each other with gliding pressure of hands to bodies and kissed in a dance they had engaged in since they were sixteen. After protecting himself, Dean thrust into Lisa in the darkened car, windows beginning to crystalize with condensation. When she reached her climax, he pulled out but had not been satisfied.

“It’s okay.” She soothed with panting breaths. “Go ahead.”

He rested his forehead to her shoulder and clinched his eyes shut. He hated this. He lined himself up to her anus. She went still except for the lifting of her legs to allow for easier access. Slowly, so slowly, he pushed a little into her. She hissed in pain before relaxing. Soon, he was sheathed inside her. He whined low in the back of his throat. This was far tighter than the other and he really just wanted to move. But, he was afraid of hurting her. Usually, she would turn the other way for him so he could lean on her back. He gripped her hips to keep her up to him. He began to pull and thrust.

None of her sounds of pleasure left her lips as they had when he sought her pleasure. His eyes were still clenched closed and it wasn’t her face that came unbidden to his mind as he approached his climax.

“Yes!” he panted. “Yes, Cas… Yes!” The orgasm rushed in his ears and through his body like a wave. He panted hard and his body was cooling in the slick perspiration on his skin. When he opened his eyes, Lisa stared at him in horror, her face streaked with tears.

“Get off of me!” she screeched.

“What?” Dean was confused as she threw his shirt at his face. “Lisa, what?”

“You son of a bitch!” she yelled as she slid her pants on. “Don’t touch me!”

Dean was still confused when she left the car and started walking. He got dressed and went looking for her, but she was nowhere in the park. He drove the route to her house but never saw her. She couldn’t have gotten there before him, but he knocked anyway. Mr. Braedon told him she hadn’t come home yet. Dean thanked him and told him to ask her to call and let him know she was safe. Then, he left for home.

When he pulled into the drive, he didn’t want to go in yet. He climbed the tree to sit under Cas’ window. He tried to think why Lisa would have the reaction she had. Only one thing came to his mind. Shit…

He felt like he needed to gather his wits as he climbed down again. He paced near his car. He needed to go inside but felt like he still wasn’t able to deal with seeing his family when he heard a voice.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” her voice was bitter. He could tell she had been crying.

“I looked for you.” Dean told her. “I’m sorry Lis. I didn’t… I didn’t mean…”

“You’re sorry you lied to me?” Lisa shrieked.

Dean looked around at the houses in the cul-de-sac. He stepped closer to her.

“Don’t touch me, Dean. You said it… there wasn’t someone else!”

“Lisa,” Dean near-whispered while casting furtive glances around. “Please, it’s not what…”

“Not what? Dean?” She yelled and moved away from him. His breathing came fast and frantic. “You know what, Dean? I should have realized sooner there was an issue! It should have tipped me off that you never want to have sex with the light on!”

“Lisa, please. Can we talk about this when you’re calmer. You’re gonna let the whole neighborhood hear our business.”

“I don’t give a flying… Dean you didn’t just call me another person’s name!” She pointed in the direction of the Collin’s house. Dean looked to see the light on in the front room and groaned. “You called a guy’s name… during sex… with me!”

Dean tried to calm her. He raised his hands in supplication. His eyes were pouring salty tears down his cheeks. “Not because… it was just…” he grabbed his hair in anguish. “Please, can we just, please… not so loud, Lisa?”

“I will _not_ be quiet! I want the whole street… the city… to hear me! Dean Fuckin’ Winchester calls a _guy’s_ name out when he’s butt-fucking his girlfriend… sorry… _ex_ -girlfriend! I should never have agreed to let you start doing that in the first place, Dean! That was red-flag number two! I should write a book: How to Tell If Your Boyfriend is a Closeted Homosexual! I could get endorsements from Michelle Bachman. I bet she can relate!”

“Lisa, can you just get in the car so we can…” Dean sobbed.

“No! I never worried about getting pregnant, Dean. I always thought that was why you liked to finish that way. But, now I know… you _couldn’t_ finish any other way! Tell me, Dean… Did you think about his pretty blue eyes _EVERY_ time we’ve done it? Did you imagine it was his hair you would pull? Do I have too much curve for you, Dean? Is that why you enjoyed rubbing my back but never touched my breasts?”

Dean looked up to see John under the yellow shine of the porch light, standing with his arms crossed over his chest. “Lisa,” Dean panicked. “Stop… _please!_ Just… stop!”

He thought he would have a heart attack right then and there. He doubted his dad would help him based on the stormy expression on his face. Lisa opened her mouth to send a fresh barb at him in her rage and pain.

“That’s enough, Lisa!” Kat’s voice shattered Lisa’s momentum. Dean groaned. They knew. His dad, the Collins family… they all knew. All except the one he wanted to know.

“Get in the car and I’ll take you home.” Kat told Lisa, her voice brooking no argument. Dean didn’t know Kat even had a serious side. He held his face in his hands. He could barely keep himself upright. Suddenly, he felt warm arms surround him. He leaned in to the fresh aroma of lavender and lemonade. She tightened her squeeze and he gasped out a choking, miserable sob. She kissed his head. He was barely able to catch his breath. He didn’t want to see his father. He just wanted to escape the pain and humiliation. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his car to sit behind the steering wheel. He wept in an unforgiving loss of emotional control. He watched the Land Rover pull away. Moments later, the door to the Impala was wrenched open. John stood, implacable, in the street light and night’s dark cloak.

“In the house. Now.” his voice a thunder clap despite never raising above a bitter whisper.

Dean pulled himself out of the car to trudge along in his father’s wake. Inside, John stood with his back to his son in the living room. Dean looked around with his hiccoughing breaths, tears falling freely from red puffy eyes.

“Take a seat.” John commanded.

Dean sat in the floral upholstered chair at the edge of the cushion, his hands dangling at the ends of weary arms. He felt like he’d been through the spin cycle of the washer machine. It didn’t look like it was going to get any easier judging by the flash in his father’s hazel eyes.

“I’m going to say this one time.” John began.

“Dad, I…”

“No!” John turned to stare down his son. “No, Dean. You are going to listen. Then, you’ll go to your room.”

Dean sunk further into his misery. “Yes, sir.”

“You aren’t to go next door.” John began again. Dean’s head shot up, his adrenaline spiking through him. _No!_ “You are to go to work with me every day. Each day, you’ll come back here, do chores for Kate and go to your room.”

“You’re punishing me… grounding me for being… for being…” Dean stammered in disbelief.

“You’re NOT gay!” John bellowed.

Dean jumped, snapping his mouth shut.

“You know what a man should be, Dean.” His father continued. “You will behave yourself as though you…”

“As though, what?” Dean snapped. He jumped to his feet. “As though I wasn’t a fucking sodomite? That’s what you think of me?”

“Watch your tone, Dean.”

Dean stopped the tears, but his chin continued to quiver. He held his fists at his side. “No, sir.” He said through a strangled cry.

“Excuse me?” John threatened.

“I said, ‘No, sir’.” Dean repeated. “I know what a man is, Dad. I know because I watched you and I have done everything that I could to be like you; but, you know what? I’m not you! That doesn’t mean I’m not a man!”

Dean stood up straight, red-rimmed eyes meeting flinty hazel of his father. John was taken aback by the sudden defiance. “You will adjust your attitude, Dean. You will agree to do as I say, or you can get out right now. You can leave the keys to the Impala and don’t even think about taking the computer in your room. Because, if you walk out that door, you are cut off. You won’t be allowed back in.”

Dean stared at his father. John stared back at his son. Dean turned on his heel and headed for the stairs. He heard his father leave through the front door.

Dean reached the landing and saw Sam and Adam peeking through a slit in their door. He paused briefly making contact with Sam before croaking, “I guess you can have your own room now.”

Tears started again as he went to his room, rooted through his closet for the Navy surplus duffel he used when they went hunting and started stuffing his clothes in.

“Dean.” Sam’s voice gasped from the door. “Please, Dean. Say you’re sorry. Don’t go!”

Dean stopped what he was doing and turned to face his baby brother. He dropped his bag on the floor before he approached Sam. “No matter what, Sam… No matter what you hear, what you feel, what Dad and I do to each other—listen up because this is important, Sam—No matter what, I’m your brother and I love you.” Dean gripped Sam’s shoulders and turned his brother so their faces were inches apart. “Do you hear me?”

Sam nodded through sniffling tears. “Where will you go?”

Dean paled and began backing away. He turned to pick up his bag. “I don’t know.”

Sam watched Dean throw some personal effects and property in the bag before he found his voice again. “Go to Uncle Bobby’s.” he said at last. “Just tonight. Figure out what to do from there.”

Dean nodded before lifting his guitar across his back. They stood staring at each other with tear-soaked faces.

“Stay outta trouble.” Dean began as he walked through the door. “Graduate on time. Go to Uni.” Dean choked as his voice was too tight to continue.

“Nerd natural habitat.” Sam coughed out.

Dean nodded and pulled his brother into a hug. When he pulled away, Dean squeezed Sam’s shoulder. “Bitch.” He squeaked.

Sam coughed and tried to swallow through the gasping sob. “Jerk.”

With that, Dean descended the stairs, jumping two steps at a time and left taking the Impala with him.

Dean drove for half an hour. He circled the neighborhood without much direction or purpose until he started to panic. What if John called the cops to report the car stolen? No, the car was registered to him, not John. He took a breath. A dozen horrible ‘What if’ scenarios flooded for each one he resolved. He took his car and parked it near the school.

He sat with the ignition off, trying to decide what to do. He got out of the car, too wound up to sit still, too conscious of the fact that he had to pay for gas from now on to continue aimlessly circling in the car. He couldn’t go back to work at the garage. There was no way.

His feet began moving. He began walking, his brain a firestorm without a break. He found himself an hour later under an old oak tree. He climbed up and sat under the window. He wanted to cry but thought he must have run out of tears. He stood looking into the bedroom window, pulled out his pocket knife and jimmied the lock. He carefully opened the window and crawled inside.

He walked over to Cas’ bed and laid down, looking up at the faintly glowing green and blue constellations painted on the ceiling. “What do I do now?” he whispered into the darkness.

He rolled over and buried his face into the pillow that smelled of eucalyptus and mint. Dean let his body relax into the bed, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

He woke to the sound of John’s voice. “Boy, I’m not done talking to you.”

Dean crawled across the bed to look out the window. John was walking after Sam who spun around to face his father. “You are to me! I’m not Dean, Dad. You _have_ to take care of me. If you don’t, you’re begging for a visit from the county. Dean’s an adult. Just try playing this with _me_ , Dad. Just try it!” Sam gestured to Dean’s clothes scattered across the lawn.

John straightened up and watched Sam’s angry stride as he walked away. Dean ducked out of sight when his dad turned. He lay back on the bed trying to catch his breath. It was all real. The nightmare between he and Lisa, and then with Dad, was all real. He covered his eyes and tried to control his breathing.

When he was able to think, he looked around Cas’ room. There had to be something he could do. He wished he had the courage to call Cas. Maybe this was an opportunity, a window open to the closed door of his previous life. To illustrate the adage, the birds outside the window chirped in the old oak tree.

As if his body moved of its own accord, Dean opened the nightstand drawer. He found a book—World War Z-- with a movie ticket bookmarking a page. He found a package of tissues and lotion. He didn’t want to dwell on the fact that this could be evidence that Cas wasn’t, in fact, asexual. He found a small photo album filled with 4x6 photos of them—of he and Cas. He pilfered the album from the drawer. He looked around so more, rifled through Cas’ drawers, and went through his closet. He found a few shirts and slacks carefully hung next to rows of empty plastic hangers. The black T-shirt caught his eye. He smiled as he fingered the fabric, sliding it off the hanger and pressing it to his nose, inhaling a deep breath of fabric softener. He slid his back against the jam of the closet door. He sat on Cas’ closet floor chuckling at the irony, inhaling the fragrances and relaxing in the familiarity of Cas.

Feeling refreshed, he took his loot and climbed back out of the window, down the tree and toward his clothes in the yard. There weren’t a lot, but enough that should he leave much, he’d have to spend money he didn’t have to replace it. He scooped up all the pants and socks. He piled as many shirts as he could carry on and started walking towards the high school where he parked the Impala.

Dean thanked the kindness of strangers that he managed to catch a ride. He waved in thanks to the little old lady in the Buick who told him all about her six cats and her three grandchildren—how they never called to thank her for the birthday money she sends and how she won’t be sending any more-- in the short ten minute drive.

He set the stack of clothes on the trunk and was fishing for his keys.

“Hey,”

Dean looked up into his brother’s eyes. “You should be in class.”

Sam shrugged. “I’m taking a mental health day.”

“Yeah, when Dad finds out, he’ll be the one going mental.” He quipped.

The truth was he was glad of Sam being there. They both got into the car. Dean sat there immobile. Sam didn’t say anything but glanced from time to time at his brother. “Bobby’s?” He said after a time.

“Good as any I guess.”

Rolling up to Bobby’s garage, Dean felt apprehensive. What if Bobby said ‘no’? What if his reaction was the same as his dad’s? “I don’t know if I can do this, Sam.”

Sam sat in the passenger seat waiting for his brother to calm. He watched as Dean looked like he would strangle the steering wheel. “Well…” Sam thought out loud. “What if we go in and say ‘hi’? That won’t be bad, right?”

Dean nodded at Sam and they walked up to the office. Bobby was at the desk arguing with Jo about something on the computer screen. They both stopped bickering when they saw the Winchester brothers enter.

“Well, look what the cat drug in… wait… Sam, aren’t you supposed to be in school?” Bobby asked as he hugged each of the brothers. “Aren’t you working today?”

Sam looked at Dean who tried to avoid making eye contact. Bobby noticed and looked closer. Then, he saw the state of Dean’s eyes, so he grabbed Dean by the elbow and walked him into the privacy of his small office.

“Okay, spill it. What happened?”

Dean was bone weary and heart sore. So, he didn’t have the energy to play games. “Can I stay with you a couple o’ days?”

Bobby was still and really looked at Dean. “Of course, but I think I should hear the whole story.”

So, Dean told him, in general terms, about him and Lisa breaking up rather publicly and John’s ultimatum.

“John ought to know better.” Bobby offered. “His best friend in the Corps was gay. The man damned near saved his life at least a dozen times that I know of… Best Man at his wedding, too. After Mary died, it was Caleb what dragged his ass outta that bar, sobered him up and kicked his ass ten ways to Sunday. You and your brother didn’t grow up in a foster home in large part ‘cause o’ him. Don’t know what the hell his problem is.”

Dean thought about it. “Caleb isn’t his kid.”

Bobby nodded. “Well, I best call the missus and let her know to expect company else she’ll tan my hide.”

“Thanks, Bobby. It’s just ‘til I figure what else to do.”

“Want a job?” Bobby asked.

Dean took a second before he stuttered.”Wh-what?”

“Carl left for Vegas with his girlfriend. Doesn’t look like he plans comin’ back, so… I’m a tech down.”

Dean hadn’t blinked. “But, I’m not a tech.”

Bobby nodded. “Right. But, you’ve got nearly as much experience as some of these idjits. You stick to the pre-80’s vehicles, take tech classes at night…” Bobby stopped then. “How much sleep did you get last night?”

“I’m fine.” Dean swallowed the hard lump in his throat. He blinked the fresh tears that threatened his sight. He hadn’t expected this generosity or compassion from the gruff older man.

“Bullshit.”

Dean bowed his head. “To be honest, I don’t know how much sleep I got.”

He felt the tears drop onto his cheek and hands that were clasped in front of him. Bobby picked the phone up and dialed. He spoke to his wife for a time and the sent Dean to his house. When they emerged from the small office, Sam and Jo were working on the computer. When Bobby looked over their shoulder to see what they’d done, he put his hand across Sam’s back. 

“Son, I should hire more Winchesters if I’m gonna get this kinda workmanship!” he beamed.

“It was a really simple algorithm that…”

Bobby waved him off. “Save your breath… I wouldn’t understand it, anyway. As long as I can understand expenses and accounts receivable, I’m good. Take your fool brother up to the house and get the heck outta my garage. First thing tomorrow, Dean, I expect you here and ready to work.”

Dean’s smile beamed as he saluted.

Sam relayed the entire story to Ellen over a cup of coffee and store bought Danishes while Dean slept upstairs.

“I don’t know where he slept last night. The car was parked at the high school and it didn’t look like it had been touched since he parked it.”

“Poor kid.” Ellen said at last. Sam nodded.

“Truth is…” Sam stared into space. “I’ve always kinda known. I wish we could’ve… I wish, somehow,  I could’ve let him know that I was there for him… He must’ve felt so alone and…” Sam stopped himself when Ellen huffed.

“Your brother isn’t about to confess to his feelings, Sam. He’s just not the type.”

A week had passed and Dean still had no idea what he was going to do or where he was going to go. He had overheard the row between Bobby and John and he knew the tension he could see all over Bobby was his fault. He sat with his head in his hands. Sam was worried about his brother. He hadn’t touched the pie in front of him.

“Psst.”

Sam looked up at Gabriel. Gabe mouthed, “What’s up?” at Sam.

Sam turned back to Dean who was still consumed by his own misery. “I’m gonna refresh my coffee. Want some?”

Dean shook his head as Sam went to the counter. He checked over his shoulder and motioned for Gabe to follow him. When they were far enough away, Sam spoke. “Have you heard from Cas?”

Gabriel looked from Sam to Dean. “Castiel?” Gabriel was confused. “What does Mopey have to do with my brother?”

Sam sighed. He didn’t want to go into details with this guy, but Castiel was the only one Sam could think of to make this right for Dean. “Just… have you heard from him?”

Gabriel shook his head. “My brother doesn’t contact me when he lives down the street, he’s certainly not about to call me when he lives hours away.”

“Shit.” Sam covered his eyes.

“What’s going on, Sam?”

Sam outlined some of the problems without too much detail and without outing his brother. Gabriel, though, wasn’t stupid. He looked at Dean with a thoughtful expression before he lit up with a gleeful smile.

“Hey, Dean-O!” Gabriel beamed as he approached. Dean lifted his head to peer at Gabriel with a grimace. “Hey, you know a lot of people… maybe, you can help me!”

Dean looked at his brother to see the perplexed and surprised reaction before giving Gabriel his full attention. “Okay.”

“You know I’ve been looking for a room-mate who…” he began ticking qualifications off his fingers, “A-Isn’t a crack-head, B- has a job, C- isn’t a serial killer, D- can put up with me from time to time… Seriously, you’d be surprised how hard that really is… five, who likes my pie… I really can’t eat the left-overs from the shop by myself.”

“Don’t you mean, ‘E- who likes your pie’?” Sam asked.

“E is over-rated.” Gabriel dismissed with a wave.

Dean spoke up softly, but with some amount of hope in his eyes. “I’m looking for a place.”

Gabriel seemed amazed. “Really?? Well, you do meet most of my criteria.”

“Most?” Dean smiled.

“Well, you might be a serial killer for all I know. They look like average people.”

Dean’s smile faltered. “How much do you want for rent?”

Gabriel seemed to consider it. “It’s not that I need help with rent, it’s just that… well, I’m completely helpless when it comes to cleaning and maintenance. I think the landlord hates me. Every time I call him, he has this… tone… and ever since that sweater got stuck in the toilet, he absolutely refuses to come to my apartment!” Gabriel pulled a face that appeared like he smelled something foul.

“A sweater?” Sam asked.

“Kali said it looked like shit, so I flushed it.”

Sam and Dean both laughed.

“The truth is, I’m hardly ever there. I just need to feel okay leaving my cactus alone. She misses me when I’m gone and pines for me. Think you’d like to help me out?”

Dean was nodding. “Yeah, but I gotta pay something, dude.”

Gabriel agreed. “How about $300 a month? That should compensate me for having to listen to your music. You pay your own food and personal stuff. I will supply all the sugar and pie.”

“Hey, my music is awesome!”

Sam grinned with genuine happiness at seeing shades of his brother’s former self.

Over the next few weeks, Gabriel and Dean managed to co-exist without committing homicide. Close to Thanksgiving, Dean became sullen again. After several attempts to figure out what was wrong with him, Gabriel resorted to extreme measures.

Dean woke to Gabriel hammering outside his door. He yelled out at him to knock it off, wrapped his head in his pillow and tried to ignore his room-mate. When the hammering didn’t stop, Dean got dressed to go and confront Gabriel. He went to open his door, but it wouldn’t budge.

“What the hell?” Dean exclaimed.

“Either give up the sour-puss act or you’re gonna stay in there ‘til the landlord comes with CSI to find out what that smell is. While they’re here, maybe I can get them to tell me why my closet light keeps blowing out.”

Dean stood next to the door trying to puzzle out what Gabriel was up to with his sleep-fogged brain. “Gabriel! Did you just nail my door closed?”

“Uh…” Gabriel retorted.

“God damn it, Gabe! You better let me the hell out or…”

“Or what?” Gabriel taunted from the other side of the door.

“Son of a bitch.” Dean whispered.

“So, you gonna tell me what’s got the bees buzzin’ in your bonnet, Winchester?”

Dean stewed, yelled through the door until he finally ran out of steam. He slid down the door until he sat reclining against the obstacle to his freedom. He could hear Gabriel sitting on the other side grumbling at him.

“Is Cas gonna be home for Thanksgiving?” he grimaced that his voice sounded so wrecked. Several moments passed in silence. “Gabe?”

“I’m here, Dean.” Gabriel said somewhat subdued. “That’s what this is about?”

Dean leaned his forehead against his palm, “What am I gonna do, Gabe?”

“What do you mean? Why does… what does Castiel have to do with…” Gabriel’s voice trailed off. Dean stared at the ceiling. “Dude!” Gabriel yelled. “Are you _gay_?”

Dean laughed and shook his head. “Way to keep up with current events there, Gabe.”

“Holy shit!” Gabe exclaimed. Dean could hear the creak of metal against wood as Gabriel pulled nails out of the door. Once free, the door was flung open pushing against Dena’s body. “You’ve been pining for _my brother_?”

“Shut up, Ass hat.” Dean rose and lay back on his bed.

Gabriel laughed as he launched himself onto the bed next to Dean. “So, you’ve been gay for my baby brother…” Dean scowled at him, folding his arms over his chest. The delight in Gabriel’s eyes, though, made it hard to actually be mad. They sat in silence for a while. “How does he feel about you?”

Dean turned his head and shrugged.

“Does he know? Wait, he doesn’t even _know_?” Dean continued to avoid eye contact. Gabriel rested his head against his folded hands and leaned back on the headboard. “So, whatcha gonna do?”

Dean shrugged again.

“I wish I’d have known Castiel was so interesting. We’d have hung out more.” Gabriel teased.

“Cas is really interesting.” Dean said. “And smart. He’s kind of… I don’t know… mature? He kinda has this really old way of talking. He can say something and I haven’t got a clue what he’s talking about… but, he always… he always just _gets_ me. I don’t have to say anything. He just… already knows.”

Gabriel was grinning at him. “You’ve got it bad, brother.”

“Shut up, dick.”

There was a routine that he fell into. Get up. Fight with Gabriel, if he was home. Go to the bakery and fight with Gabriel over coffee and a pastry, if he was at work.  Go to the garage for work. Eat lunch with Jo and Andy or Bobby and Ellen. Get showered and changed for school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Sleep. Repeat.

John had resigned himself to Sam hanging around with his brother at the apartment from time to time. Sam would just go and when John got mad about it, Sam would calmly explain that there was little to nothing he could do to stop him. Dean tried to make Sam only come after asking permission, but he got much the same response from Sam that John did.

Thanksgiving came and went. Dean was a pile of nerves the whole week and behaved like a deflated balloon when Gabriel told him Cas was sick and wouldn’t be coming home. He ate dinner with Bobby, Ellen, Jo and Andy. He left early to go home and sulk.

“Dean.” Sam tried again.

“No, Sam.”

“Come on. It’s been months. You can’t just hold a torch…”

“Stop it, Sam. I said I’m not interested.”

“Dude, come on.”

“No.”

Sam’s stare would have lasered a hole through Dean’s back as he watched his older brother make dinner. “Why not?”

Dean let his shoulders sag as he exhaled a weary sigh. He dropped the knife he was using on the counter and turned around. “Why is it so important to you?”

Sam’s hard and stubborn expression softened. “I just want to see you happy.”

Dean walked over and sat next to his brother at the kitchenette table. “Sam, I’m fine. I don’t need to go on dates to be happy. As far as I know, Cas is the only guy I’ve been really attracted to and just because Lisa and I never really…. Well, didn’t work… doesn’t mean I’m not at all interested in chicks. I’ll… figure it out. But, until I do, stop tryin’ to hook me up with guys.”

Sam got a wheedling tone in his voice when he was trying to get his way. “Maybe, you’ll like him.”

Dean rubbed his face with his palms, washed his hands and went back to preparing dinner. He stood staring out the window. “Maybe after New Year’s, okay? I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.”

Sam smiled but dropped the subject.

***SPN***SPN***SPN***SPN***

“That was the night before I thought you were gonna break into Baby.” Dean finished.

Cas was very still against Dean. The sun was starting to lighten the sky, though it hadn’t broke from the horizon. They had talked all night and would be dragging today.

“Do you have work today?” Cas asked.

“It’s Sunday. I’ve got the day off.”

“Good. Let’s spend it in bed.” Castiel turned to face Dean. The telling of his experience was more exhausting emotionally than it was spending the night without sleep. Cas slowly leaned in to kiss him. The kisses were soft, gentle and sweet. Dean accepted them in equal fashion. They held each other in a loose hug, leaning against one another. This small room, in a shared apartment, was an oasis from the drama and conflict outside its walls. There was no urgency to their ministrations, no agenda… just being together, their bodies letting the other know that all the pain and grief, sadness and loneliness was both forgiven and left behind.

“I love you, Dean.” Cas said into the quiet. Dean allowed a smirk to slide over him and the twinkle in his eyes let Cas know his boyfriend was thinking puckish thoughts.

“I know.” He responded. He went to kiss Cas, but Cas pulled away and laughing, they struggled and wrestled until they both fell off the bed.

“Are you two okay in there?” Sam asked behind the closed door.

“Yes!” came the unified and laughing response.

 


	18. Us

Cas spent more time at Gabriel’s and Dean’s apartment than at his parents’ home. He was told, in no uncertain terms, that Christmas would be spent at home. Kat and Oh, Henry arrived earlier for Christmas Eve dinner.

“So?” Kat asked when she was able to corner Cas away from the others. Cas blushed deep red because he knew to what she was referring.

“I think we’re dating.” He confided.

“You _think_?” she asked.

Cas blushed even more—all the way up to his face to his ears and down his neck. “He told me we were in a relationship.”

Kat laughed. “Well, Little Owl. Sometimes, you need a little pushing into things. That’s the one thing I think I’ve always liked about Dean. He’s made you get out of your books and into the world.”

Cas nodded as Ana walked out to the kitchen to answer the phone. He eyed his mother as she spoke on the phone. “I can’t believe we waited so long, Aunt Kat. I mean, how did either of us miss it?”

Kat laughed. “Oh, Little Owl, I’m not surprised _you_ missed it…” Cas laughed and agreed. “But, Dean was always more worldly. I was sure he’d have picked up on some of the clues… And, it’s not as though he is bashful…”

Cas sobered as he thought. “He had to… hide.” He said at last.

Kat acknowledged the statement without need for elaboration. They both looked up when Ana came and sat down. She wore a worried furrow to her brow.

“What’s wrong, Ana?” Kat asked.

“Gabriel is bringing his room-mate for dinner." Ana looked at Cas who beamed and ran upstairs.

“Why is it a problem?” Kat asked as she glared at her sister.

Ana waved her hand dismissively at Kat. “Dean is welcome here, Kat. Even if it might be a little… uncomfortable. Charles and I figure that if we don’t accept what they have, we may never see him again. We don’t want it either/or with him. It’s just…” Ana looked out the window at the driveway next door.

“John Winchester.” Kat surmised.

“I just hope Gabriel drives.”

Dean was a fidgety mess. He was nervous enough about spending Christmas Eve dinner with the Collins family, but he had let Gabriel drive. By the time they pulled into the drive, he was tense to the point where his grip on the handle above the door was vice-like and his feet braced against the floor board in a permanent imitation of braking to stop. His eyes were wide and his teeth felt they might break from clenching so hard.

“See!” Gabriel crowed. “Safe as houses.”  He looked at Dean. “Don’t puke in the car.”

Dean didn’t move. Gabriel poked him with a finger. “Oh, dear. My brother is likely to kill me for having broken you. Is there a warranty on new boyfriends? Maybe, I can get him another. If I can find one that looks kinda like you, he won’t notice it isn’t you, right? Just like the gecko when he was eight.”

“Shut up, Gabe.” Dean hissed.

“Oh, come on, Dean. You know Cas is in there pacing around trying to keep calm until you get here. Poor little Castiel.”

The mention of Cas made Dean look at the house and begin to unclench. He reached to open the door but before he could exit the car, he found himself pulled into Cas’ arms. “I missed you.”

Dean laughed as he melted into Cas’ hug. “It’s only been about 24 hours, Cas.”

Cas shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. Still missed you.”

Cas went to kiss him, but Dean pulled back and looked all around. “Let’s… um… let’s go inside first. Okay?”

Cas looked hurt, but Dean couldn’t care about that until he was safe in the Collins’ home. He didn’t worry about what John might do to him, but he didn’t want to cause injury or embarrassment to his friends.

Dean and Gabriel were greeted warmly with hugs and kisses or handshakes. Kat insisted that Dean sit with her for a time while Gabriel scandalized his father and uncle. Ana and Castiel took the pies that Gabriel brought into the kitchen.

“So, is big brother making an appearance this year?” Gabriel asked.

Charles shook his head. “He’s in the middle of a murder trial. He says if he wins, he’ll run for office. I think it’s great for him, but we haven’t seen him in over a year.”

Oh, Henry laughed. “You know, it’s not really all that far if you fly…”

Charles glared at his brother-in-law. “I’m not flying.”

Cas hurried back into the living room but hesitated before sitting down, uncertainty in his every movement. Dean noticed and grasped his hand. “Oh, God, Cas.” he apologized. “I just didn’t want my dad to come out and yell at us. Sit down, please.”

He sat down, relieved when Dean twined their fingers together. There was a knock at the door and Kat got up to get it. Dean leaned in to kiss Cas and apologize again while they had a moment. Kat opened the door to John Winchester.

“Merry… ahem…. Merry Christmas, Kat.” he stammered.

“Merry Christmas, John.” Kat kept the door open only enough that John could see her without being able to look inside the house. Her voice was cordial, but formal and low. Her flat expression was distant. He had a wrapped gift in his hands.

Kat waited. She wasn’t planning on making this visit easier on him.

“Um… could I…” he sighed and shifted from foot to foot. “Would it be okay… Can you ask if Dean might come out and… and talk to me…. Please?” he asked with his head bowed.

Kat considered his request. “John, there will be no drama like last time. He’s here as my sister’s guest.” Kat’s voice held an edge that her sparkling faux-blue eyes and festive silver and blue dress belied.

John nodded before looking her in the face. “I know I made a… a… Can I talk to Dean?”

She told him to wait and closed the door. None of the occupants inside heard the exchange, but had continued their festivities. Ana was sitting with Charles opposite Cas, Dean and Gabriel when Kat approached Oh, Henry from behind. The room went silent and still when everyone noticed the frosty look to Kat.

“Kat?” Oh, Henry inquired when he turned to see her expression.

Kat held up a hand for him to wait as she knelt in front of Dean. “You are safe here.” Kat stated in a low, serious tone. “There are people here who love you.”

“Aunt Kat?” Cas asked in a frightened voice. Dean stared at her and paled. His grip on Cas’ hand made his knuckles stand out. Kat continued.

“Your father is at the door. He has _asked_ to speak to you. Tell me you don’t want to see him and I’ll send him away. You won’t have to see or talk to him. You can stay here for as long as you need.”

Dean swallowed hard and his eyes went wide. His breathing came in shallow pants. He looked at Ana and Charles. Charles did not make eye contact, but looked out the window as if trying to see his neighbor. Ana met Dean's frightened eyes and nodded. Cas squeezed his hand and scooted closer to him so his warm body was offering comfort.

Dean nodded and rose from his seat. Cas rose with him. All the room’s eyes were on him. When he stopped under the arch leading to the foyer, Cas squeezed his hand and whispered sweet reassurances into his ear with warm voice and tender words.

Dean nodded and assumed a mask of indifference before letting go of his boyfriend’s hand. He opened the door a sliver and slipped out onto the porch.

Cas didn’t move but continued to stare at the door. He could hear whispered conversations of his family behind him, but he paid them no heed. It seemed like hours before Dean let himself back in the house. He carried a box donning happy elves in red costumes on a green background. Dean’s body was relaxed. Cas nearly pounced, his fingers twitchy, his eyes scanning Dean’s body and face for clues. The ease with which Dean carried himself, though, was not feigned. He stepped up to Cas and kissed him.  Cas seemed to melt into the passion of Dean’s mouth.

“What was that?” Cas breathed.

Dean pointed with his gaze at the cluster of flat green leaves and plump white berries hanging over their heads. They noticed the occupants of the living room had dispersed while awaiting Dean’s return. Ana and Kat were bringing colorful dishes filled with aromatic delights in to the dining room.

“Mistletoe.” Dean grinned and kissed Cas on the nose. Castiel was perplexed but didn’t insist on Dean telling him what happened with John. Dean carried his gift with him and placed it under his chair before sitting. Soon, all the family was seated.

“Well,” began Charles at the head of the table, “we made it through another year.”

Murmurs of agreementt from around the table were coupled with smiles as each member of the family met eyes and grins with the others.

“We’ve had many new experiences—some wondrous and some unexpected—but, we are grateful for the health and happiness of all at this table.”

“Here, here!” called Gabriel.

Dishes were then passed as the family spooned food and shared in the blessings. Dean felt like he belonged. He reached under the table and found Castiel’s hand. The two stared into each other’s’ eyes until Kat nudged Castiel to take the dish of mashed potatoes.

After dinner, Gabriel took great care to dish dessert explaining how arduous the feat of preparing the delicacies had been. No one believed him and apparently, he had said the same thing at Thanksgiving.

Once dinner and dessert were cleared, everyone took a warm drink or a snifter of brandy to the living room as the clock ticked the evening away. It was getting very late and so there was little conversation.

Charles went to the tree as the chimes in the hall clock tolled midnight’s hour. He lifted three presents from under its lowest boughs and gave them to Kat, Oh, Henry, and Gabriel. They merrily opened their gifts.

“It’s midnight,” Castiel clarified when he saw the look Dean gave. “Merry Christmas.”

“Oh….” Dean responded. “We always did this when the sun came up.” Dean fingered the paper of the gift in his lap. He pressed the tape holding the flaps down and across the smooth paper.

Cas grinned.

Charles came from the tree again and handed Dean and Castiel their presents. Dean blushed at being included. The card on the box read: “To Dean. Love Mom and Dad Collins”

Castiel’s gift proved to be a new iPad and some iTunes gift cards. Oh, Henry passed some gifts to everyone, including Dean. Dean was very pleased that his room-mate encouraged him to buy gifts and bring them when it came his turn to pass them out. Castiel rose and handed his to his family. To Dean, he leaned to his ear and whispered, “Yours is upstairs.”

Dean looked at Cas to see the other blushing bright crimson.

Dean opened all but one of his presents. Mr. and Mrs. Collins got him silk guitar strings, picks, and sheet music from a few of his favorite bands. Kat and Oh, Henry got him earplugs “for when Gabriel is being particularly annoying”, a pack of stationary with tiny hearts along the border including postage “for sending  love notes to someone special”, and a new cell phone because “Castiel told us yours was insufficient” and because, according to Oh, Henry, “my wife is crazy”.

Kat and Oh, Henry left after all the paper had been discarded, hugs were given all around, and wished a happy Christmas. Gabriel made some noises about leaving but after twin stricken expressions asked if they could stay a little longer. Ana and Charles agreed that Gabriel could stay in the guest room and Dean could sleep _ON THE COUCH_. They kissed the boys before retiring to bed. Gabriel waited until his parents were behind the closed door.

“I don’t care where you sleep tonight, as long as you’re on that couch before they come down in the morning.” With that he waved at the boys and withdrew to the guest room.

Cas drew his fingers across Dean’s knuckles and smiled with bashful hope as Dean took his hand. Cas led the way up the stairs. Dean placed the unwrapped gift given him by John on his lap as he leaned against the headboard. Cas lay his head against Dean’s shoulder watching Dean picked at the edges of the gift wrap but didn’t open it.

“Do you want mine first?” Cas asked quietly. Dean nodded.

Cas got up and retrieved the carefully wrapped package from a drawer. Dean opened it to reveal a tattered journal. When he opened it, he found every page filled with Cas’ meticulous script. A cursory glance revealed, if not daily, then weekly entries for more than two years. He opened to a random page and spotted his name among the tightly packed words. The thoughts written were of the most private nature and were embarrassingly sentimental. He didn’t even remember the event Cas wrote about, but it was of enough significance to be placed in a book full of memories. Cas’ feelings for Dean had existed for such a long time. Dean wrapped his arm around Cas in a protective cocoon and Cas curled into his body. They both stared at the happy elves as they taunted Dean to “open open open”.

Instead, Dean reached into his pocket and fiddled with a grey velvet box before shoving it into Cas’ hand. Cas leaned back to sit next to him. He stared at the tiny box with wide eyes. He opened the lid to reveal a silver band with a discrete heart donning a crown clasped between two hands.

“It’s called a Claddagh ring,” Dean said. Castiel nodded and plucked the ring out with shaky fingers, putting it on his ring finger of his left hand with the heart facing him when he looked. Dean blushed, took the ring and replaced it on Cas’ right hand in the same orientation.

Cas pouted. “But I like it on this hand.” Cas complained. “I write right-handed.”

“Maybe, someday, Cas. But, just wear it _exactly_ like this for now, okay?”

Cas screwed up his face in dissatisfaction, but acquiesced to Dean’s request. He lay back down against Dean. The rhythmic breathing and the late hour soon proved too much a soporific for Cas. His eyes drooped and his breathing slowed. Dean continued to worry the edges of the package in his lap. When he noticed that Cas had fallen asleep, he laid him against his pillow with utmost care and left the room. He took the happy elves that had been begging for him to reveal their contents all evening with him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A/N: Claddagh, for those who don’t know, have significance based on which hand it is worn and the orientation of the heart. Right hand with the heart facing away from the wearer means, “looking for love”. The way that Dean wants Cas to wear his ring means, “someone has my heart”. On the left hand, it signifies engagement facing away and married facing toward the wearer.
> 
> The crown signifies loyalty, the heart, love and the clasped hands represent friendship.
> 
> One of the reasons I dislike wearing rings on my fingers is that they tend to snag on things. I used to wear a Claddagh, but am right-handed and it was always rubbing against my fingers when I write (pen to paper) and it was annoying.
> 
> I didn’t think that Cas would pay much attention to which finger his parents’ wore their wedding rings on and wouldn’t have clued in to the significance of putting this one on his left hand. I think Ana and Chuck would have had something to say should Cas come down to breakfast sporting what looks like a wedding ring on that finger, don’t you?


	19. There's a Mirror in Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : I really love these two. As the story draws to a close, I find myself filled with ideas of what will happen next. So, maybe I will write a sequel. I have some ideas already written down, stuff that didn’t make the cut in this story because they veered too far off on that tangent. Many have told me how much they liked Kat, and I can tell you that Kat will be up to tricks in the next one if I actually write it. John has a part to play, too. He needs to get over himself and Bobby and Caleb will help with that whole thing. Joey makes and appearance and yes, Cas’ room-mate, Luke, is based on Lucifer and will also have a part to play (if I write it). Oh, who am I kidding?  
> There are a few more chapters left and then it’s done. This has always been meant as a story of discovery for these two characters. I never really meant for it to be considered a ‘verse… but, I am having trouble letting them go. So, Christmas Day is coming in the next chapter, New Year’s and Cas going back to school. Dean has always kinda had a plan in the back of his mind about this, and has been working on putting the pieces in place to get there, but I didn’t really explore those things (re: tangents that went way too far afield). . No smut this chapter, but hold on, okay. Cas doesn’t know he’s still a virgin and that is hysterical! Okay, enough from me for now…

Dean took a last look at the form sleeping with soft, contented sounds on the green and blue comforter. He flipped the switch, turning off the light, leaving the room in the eerie illumination of the glow-in-the-dark constellations on the ceiling. It filled Dean with a sense of love and belonging that he didn’t realize was missing until that moment.

He carried the journal and the wrapped package with him down the stairs. The rooms were dark except for the multi-colored twinkling of Christmas lights on the tree. He sat down on the couch and stared into the luminescence.  His mind was foggy from sleepiness and overwrought emotional drain. It seemed since coming out… or being outed… it was his new default setting. He was learning to adapt. It saddened him that he wouldn’t be spending the morning with Sam and Adam ripping open gift wrap, leaving it to paper the floor of their living room. He imagined the face that Kate had adopted every Christmas since she and his dad had made their relationship official.

He sighed again as the weariness and emotional fatigue overtook him. He swept a hand over his face and looked down at the jolly elves. He picked at an edge of it and pulled it open. He took a deep breath before removing the paper from its contents. The plain brown box didn’t look new. It had worn edges and the flaps that were held down with clear packing tape had been many times bent and abused over years. He lifted the keychain from his pocket and withdrew the folded pen knife attached to the ring.

He carefully slid the edge of the knife along the seam to release the flaps and reveal what was hiding within. He pulled out the aged album. Opening it, he found familiar blue eyes staring up at him. The photo on the first page was of a younger John Winchester, his smiling face turned into the crook of the neck of a blonde-haired blue-eyed woman, obviously heavy with child. John’s arms were wrapped with protective care around Mary and his chin was settled on her shoulder. His eyes were as merry as hers were. It was Christmas, judging by the decorations surrounding the couple. Dean’s breath was caught in his throat. Tears sprang to his eyes. The child she was carrying was him.

The next page held a letter held flat under plastic cover. The paper had been folded and the creases were dark with age and worn with opening and closing many times over. Dean read as he tried to catch his breath.

            _To my son or daughter,_

_Next month, I will meet you, though I have known you for all these long months as you rest under my heart. Oh, how many dreams I have for you! Will you prove to be like your father? Will you be fierce_

_and protective? Will you be strong and tall with his brilliant green eyes? Will you have the strength of character and power of conviction to stand up and defend those who are unable to stand on their own?_

_Or, will you have my sense of style and wit? Will you have blonde-hair and blue eyes that look like a mirror image to me? Oh, my angel, I really have so many pictures of you in my head._

_Whatever you may look like, however you may look at life and the wonders of our world, I only hope for you all those things all our mothers and fathers hope for their children. I hope for you to have love,_

_safety, and happiness. I wish your life to be easier than ours, just as our parents wished for our lives to be easier than theirs._

_I hope you find your match as I have found mine in your father. It was a wonder that we found each other. You are the result of that love, my angel. You are the blend of him and me in a perfect mix of_

_both. When you find the one with whom you will share all of who you are, it will be like the missing piece of you snaps into place. When you gaze into their eyes, you will see it._

_They say that “eyes are the windows to your soul”. When you find your match, my angel, you will see a mirror. When I look into the eyes of your father, I see myself shining back at me. All of the love I have_

_for him is reflected in those expressive green eyes. All the hopes and dreams for our future that I have ever had for us, they are there as well. Don’t settle for less than a mirror of yourself in your match!_

_That person is out there. I wish for you, that when you find your match, you won’t let anything stand between you._

_These are my dreams for my unborn angel. I love you. I will see you next month._

_Love, your mom_

Dean was openly weeping and unable to hold in the gasps and hiccoughs. He clung to the hard cardboard cover with tightening fingers. His eyes were dropping so many tears he couldn’t see. He tried to pull in his breaths, but he found he couldn’t get enough oxygen. He began to panic. The panic led to a greater loss of control over his breathing. He released the album from his grip and fell to his knees on the floor. He wanted to howl in his pain, but the air escaping his mouth remained mute.

“Dean!”

He heard the rushing steps of Castiel come down the stairs and sweep him into warm arms. He pressed himself into Cas’ chest and grasped the back of Cas, clenched the fabric of the shirt in his balled fists. He wept loudly and openly. Cas looked around him, surprised that his household wasn’t awoken by the cries. He held Dean in his arms and shushed him, tears flowing from his own eyes as he rocked Dean on the floor.

Soon, Dean began to breathe easier. His grip around Cas only letting up a small amount. Cas never pulled away or pushed Dean from him. He held firm and fast to his shuttering form. It seemed like Dean had fallen asleep, but Cas remained. He held him in his lap when Dean’s body became slack and drooped down to the floor. Cas remained awake as he pulled his fingers along the spiky short hairs on Dean’s head. And when the sky outside began to brighten, his tired eyes were red from lack of sleep. Castiel remained a stalwart sentinel over Dean lest he be pulled from his slumber.

Gabriel was not his normal bouncy self. He trudged out the door of the guest room to traipse through the living room and into the kitchen. Cas watched his brother go, but said nothing. He opted to caress Dean’s arms with light feathery touches. He heard the rustling and cabinets opening and closing that signaled Gabriel was making coffee. Castiel smiled and returned his attention to Dean. Minutes of silence punctuated by the gurgling swish of the coffee maker percolating and the strong aroma of Columbia Supremo, was followed by a scraping of slippered feet along the wooden floor into the living room.

Gabriel held two mugs in his hands. He extended one to Castiel as he sat on the couch next to the two boys. “How long has he been asleep?”

Castiel took the mug and sipped it before setting it on the coffee table. “A little while.”

Gabriel reached for the discarded album on the floor. He opened it to the letter at the front of the book. After reading it, he closed it and placed it next to his little brother on the floor. “Maybe, you should see if he’ll go up to your room with you. He could use a better place to sleep than the floor.”

Castiel shook his head. He continued to run his blunt fingernails over Dean’s scalp in a soft stroking of comfort. He yawned and tried to adjust himself to help alleviate the tingling in his back and legs.

“You know, you look like shit.” Gabriel told him.

Cas smirked and attempted to chuckle. Ana was the first to emerge from their room. She stood still at the top of the landing when she saw the boys in the living room. Gabriel held his finger to his mouth and went to climb the stairs. Cas couldn’t make out the words, but could hear the whispered questions spoken in Ana’s high light tone and responses given in Gabriel’s deeper voice. They turned to head toward Ana’s room.

It was silent downstairs for a time before Dean began to stir. His legs uncurled and his arms tightened around Cas’ middle. His face buried itself into Cas’ mid-section like he was a pillow. Dean breathed in deeply before blinking up at him. “Wha’ ‘d I miss?” he slurred.

Cas pulled the mug of coffee from the table and offered it to Dean. Dean half-sat up and accepted the piping mug. He sipped it and lifted himself so he was seated against the cushions of the couch instead of all over Cas. He looked around the room for clues until his eyes fell on the crumpled up wrapping paper with those damned elves. He searched with frantic eyes until his gaze fell on the old album. He looked up into Cas’ blue and red-streaked eyes. They stared into each other’s reflections for a long few moments. Cas’ gaze held unspoken questions.

In Cas’ eyes, Dean found strength, compassion, love, devotion, loyalty, and intelligence. Dean looked away first. He wondered if Cas knew how unworthy he was of all those things. He didn’t see the mirror that Mary wrote in her first letter to her unborn son. He saw a monument of untouchable grace. Mary had called him her angel. All Dean could think was that Cas was his, and he was out of his league.

Cas put a hand along the side of Dean’s face to turn his attention back. The face of his friend, his love, his angel, told him to not underestimate the fierce determiniation he saw there. He wanted to dive into the pools of blue and never leave, but he felt his character was lacking; he was unworthy of Cas’ love. He revisited those doubts he had felt after Cas returned from Europe but had yet to leave for school. How could he ask anything of his friend?

As if in answer to the doubts evident on Dean’s face, Cas leaned in and pressed his lips against Dean’s. There was strength there that Dean couldn’t have ever anticipated. He knew Cas was strong physically. The evidence of this was observed many times since Cas had returned. But Cas had yet to reveal _this_ kind of strength. Dean could feel his heart swell knowing it would be protected and cared for. He felt Cas’ arms, hands and lips demand that Dean believe in the loyalty, love and friendship that Cas offered, that Cas believed him truly worthy of all of it. Cas’ mouth, his breath, his pulse, his arms all screamed at Dean to believe in Cas as much as Cas believed in him. Dean met Cas’ eyes again and realized, for the first time, that he wasn’t just seeing Cas’ strength, compassion, love, devotion, loyalty, and intelligence. Cas saw those things in Dean as well. They were, in fact, a mirror of those attributes Cas saw when he looked at Dean.

Satisfied that Dean was finally in his correct mind, Cas lifted them both off the floor. He twined his fingers with Dean’s and began to lead them up the stairs. Dean untangled himself from Cas and ran back to fetch his album. He held it close to his chest and grabbed Cas’ hand again.


	20. Blocked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first learned to drive, I had a red (really nearly orange due to oxidation) 1976 Toyota 5-speed Pickup. You would laugh at the noises it would make and while I didn’t have a giant “01” on the side and there was no way I would be painting a confederate flag on the roof, I named it “Bobby Lee”. I have wonderful memories of Bobby Lee. Cas drives a truck inspired by mine. Not to reveal how incredibly old I am, but back in the day, there were these Toyota commercials where owner told stories of how many miles they had put on their vehicles. I have a doosy! Bobby Lee had 400,000 miles on it before the odometer broke… and I rolled it down an embankment three times, landing on the not-confederate-flag-painted roof. Poor, Bobby. When Dad went to get the keys from the car after they put it up on the flat-bed tow truck, he thought it would be fun to see if the engine would turn over. It did... for a few seconds. But, I killed it.

When Cas opened his eyes, he was in his room, in his bed, and Dean was sitting next to him. The door to the room was shut but he was able to hear voices from downstairs. He squinted up at Dean who was looking through his picture album. Dean thumbed a page with a small smile on his face. The turmoil of the evening seemed to be wiped from him, a new day.

Castiel stretched and yawned, but snuggled deep within the warm blankets. He blinked owlishly at Dean.

“Did you know she kept this like one of your journals?” Dean whispered into the quiet of the room. “She wrote little notes and put them in here with pictures of her and Dad, of me when I was born, of her parents, of me as I was growing up. Dad gave this to me and said he was going to try and understand. It was really more than I could have ever expected…”

Cas remained quiet but reached his hand out to touch Dean who smiled at him.

“Why do you love me?” Dean asked.

Cas was perplexed. “Huh?”

“You said you love me… why?”

Cas scrunched up his face and closed his eyes. “It’s too early in the morning for this question, Dean. Besides, it’s all in my journal.”

Dean nodded agreement. “It’s two in the afternoon. Merry Christmas.”

Cas looked up again and his stomach took that opportunity to growl noisily at him. He moaned and buried his face into his pillow.

A loud banging heralded Gabriel’s arrival at his door. Cas’ older brother didn’t even wait to be invited before barging in and jumping onto the bed, narrowly missing Cas’ groin with his knee.

“Hey! Watch it!” Cas exclaimed. “How did you know we would be dressed? You could have walked in on an intimate moment!”

Gabriel scoffed at that. “Nah! You’re too goody-goody to rock Mom and Dad’s house with them in the room just downstairs. Besides, you’re still virginal.”

Cas spoke before thinking. “No, I’m not!” His blue eyes went wide and his face flushed red as he covered his mouth with his hands. “Get out, Gabriel!”

Gabriel smirked as his gaze went from Cas’ embarrassment to Dean’s confusion. “Did you tell Dean, here, you weren’t a virgin?”

“Shut up, Gabe, and get out!” He dove under his blankets to hide from their scrutiny.

“Fine.” Gabriel rose from lying on top of his younger brother who still hid under his blankets and threw the journal Dean had left downstairs at the foot of the bed. “But, we’re going to Kat and Oh, Henry’s if you want some food. Kat’s making a roast tonight with Yorkshire pudding and trifle.” Gabriel smacked his lips and made a face that declared his anticipation of the dinner ahead. “Oh, Henry has been calling me all morning telling us how wonderful it smells. I have no doubt she plans on making us delicious butter tarts as well. Come on and get the lead out!”

He closed the door behind him and Cas remained hidden under the blanket. Dean closed the album and placed it on the side table before scooting his body down to lie next to Cas. “Were you going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?” came Cas’ muffled reply.

Dean reached his hand over to stroke the mass he thought was Cas’ arm and side. “About… you know…”

Black hair and blue eyes emerged from under the blanket to blink at Dean. “What?”

Dean’s eyes looked hurt. Cas didn’t know what could have caused the pain evident there except that he told Gabriel their business. “Was it that guy from school? The one who has feelings for you?”

Cas was completely confused now. “What are you talking about?”

“Come on, Cas!” Dean was upset now. “You said you weren’t a virgin. I know it wasn’t me, so..”

Cas sat up in the bed and his face turned from confused to angry. “What do you mean it wasn’t you? I was there and you were there and we… and we… Who else would it have been?”

Dean looked at Cas trying to gauge if he was being messed with before he started laughing.

“What?” Cas asked. He was becoming more and more upset.

Dean wiped the tears of humor from his eyes. “Dude… yeah, we messed around and all… but, I never de-flowered you!”

Cas burned bright red. “But, we were naked… on your bed… and… and I… and _you_ …” Cas had to cover his face with the blanket.

“If you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it, Cas.” Dean laughed.

“Then, what exactly constitutes ‘de-flowering’, if not _that_?” Cas demanded. “I mean, isn’t that sex?”

Dean shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Then, what is?”

It was Dean’s turn to blush in embarrassment. “You got an A plus plus in Biology… Advanced Placement Bio, at that… and you don’t know what constitutes sex?”

“Bio never covered the specifics, Dean. Besides, that was sex for reproduction. We’re both men and the rules change. As far as I know, I don’t have a vagina and neither do you… so, what constitutes sex… with us?”

Apparently, Dean hadn’t really considered that. He knew what _he_ defined as sex, whether it was a man or a woman under him… and he had only had sex with Lisa in that way. He knew it was traditionally extended to oral, but he had a very Clintonian attitude and didn’t consider that sex. But, as he looked at Cas’ earnest blue eyes he had to concede that, for _him_ , sex included a broader definition.

“What do you think is sex, Cas?” he asked.

Cas took on the visage Dean had come to call “Professor face”. Whenever Castiel would explain something to their group in pure academic context, he would adopt a kind of haughty air and his gaze would look as though he was reading from a heavy manuscript produced in front of him that only he was able to see. He would go into great detail and his word choice would be deliberate and specific. He sounded either like a walking encyclopedia or what he imagined a college professor would sound like at a lecture.

“I think that any stimulation of sexual organs resulting in orgasm is considered sex in the context of two men.” Cas said. “Since coitus involving a vagina is not possible, there aren’t any other ways… are there?”

Dean pulled Cas in to kiss him. The look of true devotion to the pursuit of truth on Cas’ face was one of the things Dean truly loved about him. He wrapped Cas in his arms and settled his cheek on the top of dark hair. He chuckled as Cas snuggled close. They were so comfortable, they both felt close to falling back to sleep when Gabriel made another appearance.

“Aw. Puppies!” Gabriel exclaimed. He took out his phone and snapped a picture of the two lover-birds on Cas’ bed. He earned twin expressions of exasperation. “We’re leaving, little pups. Cas, you’ll have to take Dean home if you don’t bring him with you to Oh, Henry and Kat’s.”

Cas looked up at Dean. “Sorry, but I’m promised to Bobby and Ellen for Christmas dinner.”

Cas dropped his head back to its former position and held on tighter. Gabriel took that as a cue. “All right you two. Don’t take too long…” he said as he closed the door with a smirk. “And don’t do anything I would do.”

They took a short nap, no more than half an hour. When they woke, Cas pulled himself closer to Dean, feeling his back against his chest through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. He inhaled deeply the scent of him at the nape of his neck. He kissed Dean’s neck and earned a deep moan from him in response. Dean turned his head. “Mmm. ‘Llo”

“Hello.” Cas whispered with a smile.

Dean turned to face Cas and they lay there staring at each other. Dean trailed his hand up and down Cas’ side showing affection. Somehow, Cas had other things in mind.

“I want to…” Cas said but contorted his face in an effort to decide on the best way to approach informing Dean of his desire. “I want to explore other ways of having sex… with you. I want to know what you think should happen between us to constitute… um… ‘de-flowering’.”

Dean nearly gagged on his own tongue in surprise, his eyes wide and then, he chuckled. “Way to go right to the point, Cas.”

Cas narrowed his eyes at Dean. “It saves time,” he said. “and helps avoid unnecessary confusion later on.”

“Yeah, well… I think we should put a pin in this one.” Dean evaded.

“Do you not want to have sex with me?” Cas asked in a small, unsure voice.

“I’d say that was a radical interpretation of the text. I just don’t think we have time right now to do this right. I’ll tell you what… After we have performed our family obligation for Christmas dinner, we can plan a date where you get wined and dined and swept right off your feet. We can kick Gabriel out of the apartment for the night and we’ll take our time, okay?”

Cas nodded but still grimaced. “So, you _do_ want me?”

Dean leaned in to remove all doubts in Cas’ mind how much he wanted his boyfriend with a deep kiss. He took Cas’ hand and guided it to where Dean could show how much his libido responded to him. Cas smiled as he felt the bulge in Dean’s pants.  Dean continued to kiss down to Cas’ jaw, neck, collarbone, and back to his mouth. His breath was heavy and he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Cas’.

“Do you understand?” Dean panted.

Cas nodded with a giddy smile plastered on his face and his eyes twinkled with mirth. “Yes.”

Dean convinced him to go and shower so he was ready to go to his aunt and uncle’s for dinner. After Cas got out and was dressing, Dean took his turn. They were ready to walk out the door at 4 in the afternoon when there came a knock on the door. Cas went to answer it and found Sam standing on the porch with his step-brother behind him. Cas grinned, invited the two brothers in and called for Dean.

The reunion between Sam and Dean was loud and boisterous. Despite the fact that Sam saw his brother frequently, the loss of having each other on a holiday that never before had them parted affected them both, that was obvious. Cas watched from the sidelines, standing next to Adam as the two hugged and wrestled in their joy at being reunited. Adam seemed ill-at-ease watching his brothers.

“Would you like something to drink… or eat?” Cas asked Adam.

Adam shook his head. “Thanks, but we’re eating soon.”

“Ah.” Cas responded. They stood next to each other with visible discomfort. “How was your Christmas?”

Adam seemed as uncomfortable with the attempts at small-talk as he was with watching Dean and Sam play fight in merriment. The two brothers were not aware of the interchange as Adam and Cas kept their voices low. “Uh… well… tense? I guess.”

Cas looked at Adam who shifted from foot to foot. “Because of… because of Dean?”

Adam shrugged. “I guess… not really _because_ of him. More because he wasn’t there, I guess.”

Cas nodded and looked back at the other two men. “Adam… I wish…”

“Don’t worry, Cas.” Adam assured. “It’s just… it kind of… surprised us? I think that John isn’t so mad any more. He was more thrown than anything, I think.”

Cas thought about that for a minute as Dean tried to catch his breath and they approached the others.

“Merry Christmas, Adam.” Dean said. Dean seemed as uneasy around his step-brother as Adam seemed around Dean.

“Yeah. You, too.” Adam responded. “We should get going, actually.”

Sam lost his grin but turned to hug Dean and wish him a merry Christmas once more. Then, He squeezed Cas in an awkward embrace before leaving.

“That was abrupt.”

Dean nodded his agreement and they went to get into Cas’ truck. Dean complained the whole way to Bobby and Ellen’s house about Cas’ truck. Cas defended his vehicle with over-used and automatic responses of “It’s a classic” (which Dean retorted that it was a “classic piece of crap) and “At least it’s paid for” (which earned “you mean over-paid for!”). Cas pulled the truck into the driveway and the boys sat in the cab looking up at the neat blue two-story house.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” Dean whispered as he pulled himself closer to Cas. Cas leaned in toward Dean and made a half-hearted mumble of agreement. Their eyes were lidded and trained on each other. They leaned toward one another to press a kiss to the other when Jo began pounding on the trucks hood startling them both to jump apart. The truck sputtered and the engine cut out when Cas let his foot off the clutch in his surprise.

“Jo!” Dean yelled.

“C’mon, Lover-boy! We wanna eat!”

Cas glowered at Jo and she stuck her tongue out at both of them. Dean dragged Cas’ attention back to him by gripping his face to get a better angle. He pressed a passionate kiss to Cas’ lips making a whimper of desire escape from the latter. Cas’ hands tightened around Dean’s bicep and pulled closer. He was losing control over himself when Dean started to pull away with a laugh.

“We will definitely be readdressing this subject later.” Dean told him.


	21. Feelin' Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some M/M sexy slash in this chapter.

Gabriel let Castiel in to the apartment, flinging open the door and retreating into the kitchen.  Castiel trailed behind him, looking around for the cause of Gabriel’s mercurial mood.

“You have to do something about him.” Gabriel whispered harshly.

Cas was alarmed by Gabriel’s tone. “Why? What happened?”

Gabriel was pulling a cookie sheet out of the oven and then turned after closing the door. “He’s been acting like such a girl today. ‘What about this, Gabe? Is this shirt good? What do you think about these pants? Oh, shit. I’m gonna have to go shopping. I don’t have a thing to wear tonight.’ Seriously?” Gabriel clenched his teeth. “If that weren’t enough, I had to ask the lady next door if I could use her bathroom because my roommate has fumigated ours with ten different kinds of cologne. It reeks!”

Castiel chuckled softly. “It can’t be that bad.”

Gabriel’s eyes widened and he pointed to the shut bedroom door. “Do you know what he’s doing right now?” He burst. Cas shook his head. “He’s making a…” Gabriel took a moment, his fist to his mouth to help him keep his gorge from rising, his eyes shut. “He’s making… oh, god…” He looked up to the ceiling in disgust. “He’s making a… _a mixed tape_ , Castiel.”

Castiel guffawed and shook his head in bemusement. “Don’t worry, Gabriel. He’ll settle down soon.”

“He’d better.” Gabriel spat. He grabbed a cookie from the pan, tossing it back and forth in his hands to keep from burning them. He blew on it and took a bite, breathing deep gasps to cool the hot cookie, his mouth wide open. Cas could hear it sizzle slightly in his brother’s mouth. Cas walked to the door and lifted his hand to knock, staying the motion as he heard the slow smooth sounds and deep baritone of Barry White. Cas grinned and knocked.

“I’m almost done, Gabe! I turned the volume down, goddamnit!”

“Not Gabe.”

“Oh, shit.” The music stopped abruptly and he could hear thumps and crashes from behind the door. Cas hid the sounds of his laughter at Dean’s behavior. He managed to screw his features into a more neutral expression before Dean flung the door open. “You’re…” Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas on the cheek, his eyes wide and nervous, his face flushed and blotchy, his breath ragged and raspy. “You’re early.”

Cas stood outside of Dean’s room waiting. Dean held the door and stared at him. “Um…” Cas couldn’t hide the mirth in his voice. “Are we… Are you going to let me in, or are we going to…” Cas gestured to the door.

“Oh, right… Come in.” Dean moved aside to allow Cas in. “Sorry.”

Cas walked in and sat on Dean’s bed. Dean was acting like this was the first time in the room. He stood in the center of the room as if he didn’t know where to sit, put his hands, stand…

“You look very nice, Dean.” Cas commented. “Very handsome.”

Dean blew out a breath. “Thanks, Cas… I was… wait…” Dean narrowed his eyes at Cas. Cas tried to maintain his sincere look. “Gabe!!!”

Dean turned out of the room and Cas heard him yelling about roommates’ confidentiality and Gabriel retorted with “Bro Code” and that Cas _really_ was his Bro. They argued for several minutes while Cas looked at his watch. He went into the kitchen and stood behind his boyfriend, his hands snaking to his waist, his mouth close to Dean’s neck and ear.

“We should go.” Cas whispered in his ear.

Dean's tirade was halted midsyllable and he turned with a dreamy look in his eyes, his body shivered. He went to his room and emerged with keys and a tape in one hand, wallet and a blue tie in the other. He put everything except the tie on the kitchen counter and put the tie around his neck. Cas looked at him with a quizzical tilt to his head; Dean already had a tie on.

“As hot as you are right now,” Dean undressed Cas with his eyes, “There’s a dress code.”

Dean moved forward and buttoned the top two buttons of Cas’ white collared dress shirt. He lifted the tie over his head and wrapped it around Cas’ neck, straightening it until he was satisfied with the result. He pulled Cas close with the tie and planted a kiss on his mouth. “Let’s go, sexy.”

Cas moved alongside his friend and it felt like a million other times. Except it wasn’t like the millions of times that the two of them went out. There was a plan tonight. There was a plan to which Cas wasn’t privy and he could see that it made Dean nervous. Once in the car, he reached over and took Dean’s hand in his own. Their eyes met.

“No matter what happens tonight, no matter what the plans are… I love you, and I would never be disappointed as long as you are there.” Cas said.

“Jeez, Cas.” Dean said as he turned the ignition. “Such a chick…”

Cas smiled as Dean laughed, but he noticed how Dean wasn’t as jittery and nervous. It made him light up inside. They pulled into the drive to a well-manicured building with burgundy awning over the doors proclaiming in golden script that they had arrived at “Fletcher’s Steakhouse and Fine Dining”. Dean pulled up to the valet and reluctantly slid out of the seat when the door was opened for him. Cas followed suit and joined him to watch as Baby was driven away by a young man in a black on black uniform.

“I can’t believe you brought me _here_.” Cas whispered. His eyes were wide and he tried not to gape at everything.

All the diners were dressed in fine suits and elegant dresses. They were all older than the two young men and they twirled deep red wine in crystal clear glasses, ate with dainty bites from plates of artfully presented dishes on fine porcelain. This was a far cry from anywhere Cas had eaten, even with Kat and Oh, Henry! His usual dining experiences with Dean tended to be better than a drive-thru and just short of Family Fun Zone.

“Winchester. I have a reservation.” Dean told the hostess. Dean flashed his most charming smile. The hostess looked only briefly to ascertain to which table she would be taking them and grab a couple of menus.

“Of course, sir. Welcome to Fletcher’s. Is this the first time joining us?” She asked with a cheery smile. She led them into the dining room. The lighting was low and intimate. The tables all around the floor of the room were draped with black and white linen tablecloths.

“Uh, yeah.” Dean answered. The hostess chattered to him about how happy they were that he chose to come. She led them through the main dining area and into another side room that had small booths situated on a raised perimeter and only a few smaller unoccupied tables around the floor of the room. She led them to a quiet booth in the middle of the horseshoe configuration.

“The chef would like you to know that he has created a special offering today of Scottish Salmon Fillet with a sweet barbecue glaze and slow roasted mushroom salad cooked over chicory wood fire. For an appetizer today, we have roasted artichoke with chardonnay-infused dipping sauce. Renee will be your server today. May I congratulate you as you celebrate your day with us? I hope you enjoy your experience.”

Cas and Dean both beamed at each other though they shifted in discomfort of so formal sounding offerings. Their discomfort was alleviated moments later when their server, Renee, joined them.

“First time?” She asked as she removed the wine glasses from the table. When she noted their shocked looks and nods, she smiled. “Don’t worry. Let me explain the menu.” Renee told them about the items on the menu and how they were cooked in a patient unhurried way. She spent a great deal of time with them and never once appeared to be needed somewhere else. She left to get them their drinks after they told her they would need a moment to decide.

“I don’t know, Dean.” Cas glanced with nervous eyes at the menu.

“Cas,” Dean spoke to get his attention. “Just order what you want. Don’t worry about… anything else.”

“But…” Cas was worried that the smallest rib-eye steak was nearly as expensive as a full meal at other places… and he would still have to order side items a la carte.

“Order what you want.” Dean commanded. “Let me worry about the rest. I want to do this right with you. I promised to wine and dine you… let me.”

Cas sighed in resignation. When the server returned, they gave her their order and she went away again. Other staff came by periodically to ensure they didn’t need anything, but other than that, they were left to intimate privacy. They talked very little, but chose to look at each other, hold each other’s hands, and whisper words of endearment into the quiet silences between them. Instrumental music played in the background, loud enough to hear the lilting phrasing, but low enough that they would never have to raise their voices above a whisper if they chose not to.

Dean turned Cas’ hand in his, turning the ring on his finger. They hadn’t spoken for many minutes when their food arrived. They took their time and enjoyed the food, the company and the surroundings. When they had finished and were ready to go, the server returned with a small box and the bill. Dean took the bill and gave her his credit card while Cas opened the box to discover four chocolate truffles.

They were waiting for the valet to bring Baby when Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’ waist and pulled him close enough to nestle his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck, breathing in and kissing his skin with light butterfly-light pecks of his lips. Cas was overwhelmed with the sensations of having Dean so close to him, of the intimacy they shared over the course of the last few hours. He was tempted to tell Dean that no matter what his plans were for the remainder of the evening, he would rather they went to the apartment and begin the part he had been thinking about since Christmas day.

The valet brought the black Impala to a stop in front of them and Dean’s attention immediately shifted to his car. Cas sighed. He smiled thinking that he might always have to share Dean’s affection with solid steel and motor oil. The valet reluctantly held the door for Dean and whispered something Cas couldn’t hear. Dean smiled at him as he slid in. The smile didn’t fade as they started driving down the street.

It was dark outside. They drove through the streets listening to the radio. The heater was on full blast since the weather was cold during the day, but was freezing once the sun went down. They drove with contented smiles on their faces, peeking short glances at each other.  

They headed up the two-lane highway. Cas gave up all pretense and watched Dean’s profile as the dash light illuminated his face. He leaned his side into the upholstered seat of the Impala. The rumbling of the engine could be felt beneath and all around him as the car climbed the hill. There was a voice over the radio as the night DJ began spinning songs and taking callers.

They pulled into the spot under the Salt Cedar tree. Dean killed the engine but left the key in the ignition so they could continue listening to the music. They didn’t speak. They were facing each other, staring into each other’s face. Dean reached over and caressed the top of Cas’ hand. The music was soft and slow in contrast to the quick tempo of previous songs on the playlist.

“Well, the time for me to leave you all until tomorrow night is approaching. Mandatory Metallica is coming up next, but before I leave, I received a request earlier today. Let me read this to you, listeners… Dear Monica Marvel, (as you know, that’s me…) My best friend went away to college and I had no idea how much that would affect me. While I was left here at home, so many things went to… expletive deleted… for me. All I thought I needed was to hear one voice, one person who meant the most to me in the world… and I didn’t hear it… for so many months. I got the best Christmas present, Monica. My best friend came home and told me that I’m not the only one who felt the way I do. We’re together, now… and tonight is our first real date as a couple. Could you start off Mandatory Metallica with ‘Nothing Else Matters’ so that Cas will know that Dean is so glad that we are finally making the leap… moving from best friends… to something more. I love you, Cas. Love Dean. Awww… well, Dean… I’m so glad that you and Cas are making a commitment in your lives and hopefully, when you have that someone special, the world looks easier to tackle. So… here you are lovebirds. ‘Nothing Else Matters’ to kick off Mandatory Metallica on Late Night KLRN, we play the best rock in Lawrence.”

As the song began to play, Cas leaned in closer to Dean and their lips met in soft, loving kisses. They sat in the front seat of the Impala letting the dash glow illuminate them as they held each other.  Cas lifted his face to regard Dean after a few more songs played. “Let’s go,” he said in a rough voice. All his intentions and hopes for the finish of the evening expressed in the tone of those two words.

They arrived to an empty apartment. Dean led Cas to his room by the hand after locking the door behind them. He seemed self-confident, but Cas knew Dean’s tells as well as Dean knew his. Cas sat on the edge of the bed as Dean went to the old radio sitting on the desk. He pressed the cassette he carried in his pocket into the slot and held down the play button. Cas nodded his approval as Paula Cole’s voice began to sing “Feelin’ Love”. The sultry metaphors eased from the speakers as Dean approached Cas. Blue eyes were trained on Dean, watching his hands undo the buttons of his shirt as he approached the bed.

He leaned into Cas and drew him back into the mattress and up to the headboard. Dean kissed Cas’ lips and deepened his probing tongue into his mouth, causing a wanton sigh. He lay over top of his boyfriend, his leg stretched out under him and between Cas’, his other knee crooked at Cas’ side. Dean trailed his hand over Cas’ jaw and down his throat. Cas moaned at the touch causing Dean to grin against his skin. He unbuttoned his shirt. And pulled it from Cas’ body, winding his arm through the fabric and tossing it to the floor. He managed to keep Cas’ tie around his neck.

Cas stared up at Dean from his place on the bed. He felt his heart rate race and goosebumps dotted his skin everywhere Dean touched. His blue eyes were nearly black with lust and his hands sought the touch of Dean’s skin under his clothes. He pulled the blue shirt out from under Dean’s waistband and, instead of unbuttoning it, tried to pull it over Dean’s head.

Dean sat up from where he knelt over Cas and unbuttoned the shirt enough to remove it. He lowered himself again and found Cas’ mouth with his. When the song changed to “Alibi” on the tape, they were still kissing and exploring each other. Dean continued to disrobe Cas, rubbing his hands down Cas' thighs as slacks and briefs were brought down his body and thrown to the floor. Cas was able to feel the change in his own body when Dean dragged his chest up between Cas' parted legs, sliding skin against skin to press his hips down to rub the front of his slacks against Cas’ growing erection. Their breathing began to become erratic. Dean closed his eyes and attempted to gain control over his surging hormones. Cas watched him with his head bowed. Cas kissed Dean’s temple and lifted his hips to urge Dean to continue.

Dean seemed to snap out of his meditation and moaned at the contact. He lifted up off of Cas’ body slightly looking at Cas. Cas reached his hands between them at the opportunity Dean allowed and began unbuttoning Dean’s slacks with shaking hands. Dean watched him as his fingers pulled the zip. Cas put his hands at Dean’s hips and then looked up to catch his lover’s eyes. Dean was supporting all his weight on his own hands, lifted up above Cas’ body and he leaned to his left to fall to his side on the bed. He began to help pull his pants down and off.

Cas was shivering and Dean looked at him with concern. “It’s okay. I’m okay… just…”

Dean pulled the blanket up over their bodies and held Cas close. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Cas.”

Cas shook his head and leaned over to kiss Dean. He maneuvered his body to drape over Dean. He felt his erection slide over exposed skin to meet Dean’s. A soft groan escaped his mouth as he held himself still and brushed his lips, gasping for air, over Dean’s. Dean soothed Cas by rubbing his callused hands up and down Cas’ arms as they shook holding him above Dean. Cas couldn’t hold back any more and he began to gyrate his hips forward to rub length against length.

“Ohmygah… Dean.” Cas panted.

Dean chuckled lightly but moved his own hips in response to thrust into the space between them. He held Cas still after a few more thrusts but he gritted his teeth to do so. Cas whimpered into Dean’s neck and bit the exposed sweaty skin he found there.

“You wanted to do this, right?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded and began the friction again. Dean moved his hand out to the side table and found a condom and some lubricant. He flipped them, reversed their positions. Cas whined at Dean again but leaned back to watch what Dean had planned. They stared at each other for a moment before it became clear that neither had anticipated who would be taking the lead. Dean poured a generous amount onto his hand and rubbed it into his fingers. He reached beneath them and rubbed his fingers past Cas’ scrotum and found his hole. Cas’ jumped when Dean touched him there. He looked up into Dean’s face with wide eyes.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Dean asked again.

“Quit trying to talk me out of this, Dean.”

Dean laughed and began kissing Cas with long, wet and deep kisses. As he plunged his tongue into Cas’ mouth, his finger did the same into Cas. Cas lifted his legs apart and around Dean as much as he could. He angled himself so Dean could go deeper and his mouth wouldn’t go far from his. Dean managed to find a rhythm that Cas was comfortable with when he moved slightly, coming at him from a little higher. Cas gasped a deep breath and let out a soft moan.

“You okay?” Dean asked, concern laced his voice.

Cas nodded and he moved his hips to elicit the same motion. “Do it.. do it again.. please, Dean…”

Dean was mesmerized at Cas’ response. He moved his fingers again until he got a similar reaction. Cas nearly leapt from the bed in his energetic reaction. “Ohgodohgodohgodoh… I like that!”

Dean pulled the condom onto himself and held Cas still long enough to line himself with Cas. Cas wasn’t making it any easier with his squirming on the bed in his need to feel it again. Finally, Cas remained still when he felt Dean enter him a fraction. He grasped the bed sheets into clenched bunches in his hands. He looked up to watch the intense expression on Dean’s face. Dean moved a bit more and Cas threw his head back into the pillow with a breathy intake of air. He pushed himself down the bed and up into Dean. Dean groaned as he felt himself sink a little further in. He wanted to thrust. He wanted to move, but he didn’t want to hurt Cas. He made shallow thrusts, pushing a little deeper with each one. Cas pulled his knees as far up on Dean’s sides as he could and Dean leaned down to lay on top of him.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked when he saw tears slide down the side of Cas’ face.

Cas nodded and pulled Dean closer. They locked their lips and Cas began shifting to allow Dean to move. Dean began thrusting but he watched Cas intently. The look of ecstasy on Cas’ face was real and Dean felt it with every plunge into him. Cas made delicious noises of love-making and Dean felt completely connected to this man. He had never felt like this with Lisa. He had never wanted this from her. He had felt ashamed being with her in this way. With Cas, Dean felt whole.

Cas had never felt the explosion of sensations he was experiencing. He had relieved his own needs before. But this joining with another person, with Dean, was more. Every part of him was on fire. He never wanted this to end. He felt the spark of electricity as it travelled from his spine to his groin. He moved his hips to match Dean. They were losing the rhythm as they sought their climax. Cas began tensing himself around Dean and found that Dean’s hand had moved between them and was stroking him. He didn’t even realize when that began, so wrapped up in all the sensations was he. He looked to see Dean was watching his face as he felt his body coming to its full. Warmth exploded between them and Cas shouted out loud as each wave crashed over him. Dean, too, increased his thrusts and growled his release pushing deep inside and holding as he climaxed.

Dean fell to the side and panted in order to catch his breath. Cas was panting and staring up at the ceiling. “Wow.”

Dean chuckled. Cas rolled over and nestled into Dean’s side. Dean wrapped his arm around him. They pulled the covers up around them again. The cassette was finishing up at Barry White. Cas laughed at the memory of catching Dean recording the tape. He breathed in all the smells and luxuriated in the feeling of warmth. Soon, they fell asleep wrapped in and around each other. The last thing Cas thought he heard before falling into slumber is Dean whisper in his ear. “I love you.”


	22. I Pick the Movie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not much for angst or whumpage… but, I am gonna whomp on them a little ickle teeny tiny bit this chapter. I think you will be okay with it, though.

For a few days after their date, Dean was called in to work. Cas sat in the living room of Dean and Gabriel’s apartment waiting for him to return. He flipped through the books from the technical college that arrived in the mail. He couldn’t make heads or tails of the information he was presented with in the chapters. It seemed like they were written in an entirely new language… and maybe they were. He still didn’t understand why cubic measurements matter so much in the determination of whether an engine is “boss”.

Cas wandered through the apartment aimless and bored when his phone sprang to life. “Hello?”

“Long time, no hear!” Joey quipped.

Cas smiled. “Hey! Sorry, I know I should have called before…”

“Yeah, you should have…”

“I’ve been… busy.” Cas grinned and demurred thinking about all the things he had done with Dean keeping his mind and body so busy he hadn’t thought of calling Joey.

“Uh-huh… So, tell me about how things have been.” Cas could hear a note of apprehension or tension in Joey’s voice.

“Where to start…” Cas said.

“At the beginning. Last time we spoke, you told Dean how you felt and were at dinner…”

Cas blinked. Had it been that long? Surely not. “Dean… he was so… Oh, my god, Joey… It’s been like a dream… or a fantasy… I’m… I’m really happy!”

Cas heard a sigh. “I kinda figured things must be going really well. You would have been calling me more often if it hadn’t.”

“Yeah, well… a lot of stuff has been happening and… it’s been really fast!”

“So, tell me about what you said and how he reacted.”

Cas told him about the situation from Dean getting kicked out of his house and Lisa outing him to a vague account of Christmas and their first date. He left out the most intimate and personal information. The long pause that came at the conclusion if his story had Cas fidgeting and worried. “Joey?”

“Sorry, it’s just… you were right. A lot has happened.”

Cas leaned back on the sofa and huffed out a chuckle in agreement. “Tell me about your holiday so far.”

Joey shared that he mostly stayed home with his folks and had been playing games on his PC pretty much all the time. “But, we’ll be back to the grind next week, right?”

Cas felt the grin slip from his face. “Oh, right…”

Just then, he heard the door and his heart began to pound in anticipation. “Joey, Dean’s home so…”

“You’re at his house? Alone?” Joey asked incredulously. “You really are a couple now. Well… good for you. I’ll see you next week. And don’t forget to use a condom.”

Cas sputtered. “Jo-ey!”

“What?” Cas could hear the smirk in his friend’s voice. “Just want you to be safe.”

“Good-bye!”

“See ya!”

Cas jumped up as Dean walked into the room and flew into his arms.

“Cas, no... I stink like engine grease and motor oil…”

“You smell like you… and I really like it.”

Dean grinned at him. “I don’t know what to say about that.” Dean pushed Cas back but kissed him to take away the sting of rejection. “I wanna shower before I greet you properly, okay?”

Cas smiled and nodded. He watched Dean disappear through his bedroom door as he sat back on the couch. He contemplated following him and perhaps joining him for a shower. He wondered how Dean felt about having Cas here when he returned from work, if he felt his privacy had suddenly been invaded. He chewed the inside of his lip as he worried about it.

Cas rose from his spot and went to the door. He shifted from foot to foot as he considered knocking. The door swung open and Dean stood there with a towel in his hand. The surprise was evident on their faces. “Cas…”

“I know, Dean.” He took two large steps backward to allow his friend to pass.

Dean went toward the bathroom but stopped for a moment before going in. “Cas…”

“Do you want me to leave?” Cas asked in a small voice.

Dean turned toward him and beckoned for him to come close. “Never.” Dean told him.

“But, you think I’ve invaded your home… I’m too clingy, huh?” Cas was crestfallen.

“No, Cas… would you-“

“You think I’ve invaded your personal sp..” Cas was unable to finish his thought as Dean sealed his mouth over Cas’ in a searing kiss. Cas moaned and felt his knees dissolve into Jell-o.

“Stop. Talking.” Dean told him with a grin. “You’re over-think things. I’ll be very quick. I just want to get the grime off. Then,” Dean ran a finger from Cas’ ear, down his jaw and over his Adam’s Apple. “Then, we can get all the clingy, personal and… whatever else… we want… Okay?”

Cas nodded and let Dean have his space. When Dean emerged from a steamy bathroom less than ten minutes later, he smelled clean and looked refreshed. Cas joined him in his room after having been invited with a quirk of an eyebrow and a fluid movement of Dean’s hand. He sat on the bed watching Dean dress. “How was work?”

Dean looked over to Cas as he pulled a shirt over his head. “Good. Busy.”

Cas was nervous. Dean fell onto the bed next to him. He took Cas’ hand and kissed it while waiting for him to say what was on his mind.

“Do you think I’m crowding you?”

Dean stilled and looked at Cas, his astonishment showing in his eyes and body language. “Are you kidding me?”

Cas looked into Dean’s face, studying it to be sure. Dean pulled him to his chest and brought his hand up, guiding him into a passionate kiss. Cas fell backward onto the bed and Dean rolled over top of him. He strove to drive all doubts from Castiel before pulling away to gaze into his face.

“If I didn’t have to work…” Dean told him in a harsh whisper, “I would never let you leave my side. You’re my best friend, Cas. We spent more time together when we were in high school. You’re my b-boyfriend… now… and,” Dean stopped. He turned away. Cas knew he wasn’t very good with emotional outpouring and he has done nothing but pour out his heart to Castiel since they reunited.

“I’m sorry, Dean. It was dumb… and…” Cas soothed him with little kisses up his neck and on his mouth.

Dean pushed him off again with a smile on his face. “Let’s get dinner and take Sam and Adam to the movies!”

Cas got whiplash from the rapid change in mood, but he nodded.

They were in the Impala headed toward the Winchester house. When they pulled up, Adam and Sam let themselves into the back seat. They all chatted and laughed until they got to the movie theater. They argued about whether they would go and see the latest Sci-Fi flick or a comedy. Dean adamantly refused to see the comedy because the premise was even more lame than most of the main actor’s usual films and the Sci-Fi was a prequel to a franchise he liked.

“I’m buying, so I get last say.” His brothers agreed at that point. 

They were seated watching previews, popcorn and candy between them, and Cas felt happy when Dean’s warm hand slid into his. The theater grew dark and the opening sequence ran. Dean was asleep, head lolled onto Cas’ shoulder within ten minutes. Cas put his arm around his shoulders and nestled his cheek against Dean’s hair. _He is going to have a hell of a kink in his neck when he wakes_ , Cas thought.

Two hours later, Cas kissed Dean’s head to try and wake him. Some guy behind them started grumbling and Sam shot a look at the heckler. Cas made eye contact with Sam. They needed to wake Dean and leave. Cas shook his boyfriend’s shoulder and Adam and Sam stood next to their seats looking ominous and protective.

“I’m awake.” Dean slurred as he blinked. Cas smiled at him.

“Yeah, but you have a little drool.”

“Just tell me I didn’t snore too loudly.”

Cas smiled and rose from where he was sitting to give Dean a hand up. Dean rose and pulled Cas into his embrace once he was standing. Cas tensed and looked over Dean’s shoulder to meet the eyes of a small group of men with disgusted grimaces on their faces. He pushed back against Dean’s chest to look into his green eyes.

“C’mon, Sleeping Beauty. I’m hungry and we need to get your brothers home.”

Dean laughed as he draped his arm across Cas’ shoulders. “How can you be hungry?”

Cas shrugged and they filed out of the theater.  Adam and Sam were giving Dean a hard time for making them go and see the movie he had wanted but he didn’t even see one alien rip out of anyone’s chest because he’d fallen asleep. Adam and Sam laughed at the look on Dean’s face as they recapped the story. “Man! Spoilers! I might want to go back and actually watch it!”

They were approaching the Impala when they heard a loud voice call from behind them. Cas tensed and Sam whirled around to face a group of six men approaching. The sneers on their faces and the tension in their stance told them all they needed to know. Dean was fully alert and awake.

“Adam. Sam. Get in the car.” He flipped his keys to his younger brothers.

“No way, Dean.” Sam protested.

“Sam, if we can get out of this without being carted off to the emergency room... Dad will kill me if you get hurt. So, get in the car and stay there.”

Adam and Sam straightened their backs and stood their ground against the men approaching. Dean grumbled and advanced slightly in front of their group. “Shit,” he whispered to himself. Cas caught it and stood with him.

He had taken the martial arts course for exercise and meditation. He had learned some self-defense maneuvers, but he knew enough to know he didn’t know enough. He thought through everything he did remember from class as the others came closer. They were calling out hateful names and spitting threats.

He heard Adam on the phone behind him-- the only one of the brothers to actually think about sending up a bat-signal. By the time Cas registered that Adam was talking to their dad on the cell, he was dodging a swung fist to his face. His stance turned, making him a smaller target, and his heart rate spiked as adrenaline rushed into his system.

Two men managed to grab Dean’s arms and a third was hitting him in the center of his abdomen. Cas was trying to fight toward him through two others, one at his back and the other head on. Adam was holding the last guy, a really small guy, while Sam tried to help Dean escape. Cas heard a whimper escape him as the men surrounding him would counter every time he moved. Finally, he dodged but was grabbed around the wrist by the man behind him. He panicked for a moment, but his body remembered what to do from hours of practice. Once he had dislodged the hand from his wrist, he stomped on the man’s inseam, buckling his knee. He then spun to face the other aggressor. He looked over the man’s shoulder to see that Dean was free, but bloody. While his attention was on Dean, Douchebag homophobe decided to take the opportunity to punch him again in the face. This time, Cas was too slow to dodge. The rumble of an engine sounded behind him, but Cas was too worked up to turn and look.

“All you assholes better pick up your candy asses and MOVE!” A harsh voice declared over the PA of the tow truck, yellow lights flashed and illuminated the dark parking lot. Cas could very clearly see the damage they had done to Dean in the bright white of the halogen headlights. When the man who was assaulting him retreated to help his friend limp away, Cas ran to where Sam cradled his brother against the sleek black body of his car.

“Dean!” Cas cried. Tears began to streak through the blood on his face, but green eyes looked up to Cas. Cas lifted Dean’s face as gingerly as he dared. “Oh, god…”

“Lemme see, boy.” Suddenly, John’s hands were there, too. He cupped his son’s face in his massive paw. “That’s gonna close up really bad.” He decided. “We should get you to the hospital. Could be a fractured eye socket.”

“I’m so sorry.” Cas whispered, holding back tears.

Sam helped Dean into the back seat of the Impala and Adam went to scramble into the tow truck. John stood watching Cas.

“For what?” he asked.

Cas met his eyes. The look he gave John should have told the older man not to ask stupid questions. The response he got was unexpected.

“Did you call those assholes here and make them beat you guys up?” John asked.

Cas shook his head sadly.

“Then don’t apologize for something out of your control, son. That’s just foolishness. Get in the car and help Dean. I’ll meet you guys at the hospital.”

Cas watched John Winchester lift himself into the driver’s seat of the waiting truck. He thought he understood, at that moment, the hero-worship Dean had always had for his father. Maybe, they could get it back… or something like it was. Maybe, they could have something new. He hoped, for Dean, that they could.

John went with the nurse as she wheeled Dean through the double doors of the emergency room. The rest of them were ordered to remain in the waiting room. John’s gaze lingered on Cas before he turned and went through the door himself.  Sam was given a cold compress for his hand which looked swollen but the triage nurse said was probably a sprain. Adam came away with scratches on his arms which were cleaned and wrapped in bandages. A nurse tried to get Cas to submit to X-rays of his face. He could feel tightness on his cheek and mouth, but he refused to leave. He wanted to be right where Dean could find him. But, it was John who came to tell them the news.

“Well…” he began. “I called Kate. She’ll call off of work tomorrow to take care of you…”

Sam and Adam both protested in unison but were silenced with a look. “Yes, sir.” They chorused.

“I also called Charles and Ana, Cas. You can drive the Impala to your house. I want you to take these two knuckleheads home. Dean will ride with me when he’s released. He’s gonna be pretty out of it for a few days. They’re giving him some pretty interesting medications.” Cas was already shaking his head through the directions.

“I want to be here. I want to…”

John cut him off. “I know you do. I know… but, you wouldn’t want him to find out you drove his Baby while exhausted, would you?”

Somehow, that got through Cas’ foggy mental processes. He offered a crooked grin and nodded acceptance. John got the keys from Sam and handed them over to Cas.

“Can I go see him?” Cas asked John.

John considered Castiel before turning and gesturing for him to follow. As they navigated the curtained off areas in the Emergency Room, John slowed his steps so Cas walked next to him.

“You know,” John’s deep baritone was gravely and coarse, “I didn’t know what to think about…”

“Dean and I?” Cas finished after the pause didn’t seem to end.

John nodded. “I knew… kinda… that you… you know… probably felt…” John was visibly uncomfortable with the discussion. Cas couldn’t understand why he would bring it up. “Mary… ehem… Mary used to tell me I was too hard on the boys. ‘They’re kids, John… not recruits.’ She’d say.”

John stopped in the middle of an aisle, curtained off beds on either side, medical equipment beeping and low moans of people in pain broke the silence between the two. He looked everywhere but into the earnest young eyes of the man in front of him. “I’m not really good at this, Cas.”

“Yes, sir… I know… You two have that in common.”

John laughed. “Don’t I know it?” He looked into blue eyes that crinkled to see John’s mood lighten. “Look, I know I’ve been a… well… a dick… but,” John shifted and leaned against a wall. “I’m gonna try, okay?”

Cas shook his head. “You should be telling Dean this…”

John straightened up. “I’m telling you.” He turned and walked through a door into the main hospital. Cas followed. They strode wordlessly through the hallway until they came to another set of doors. John put his hand on a metal plate on the side and the doors opened.

“Mr. Winchester?” Cas spoke up.

John turned to see Cas stopped by the nurse’s station. He closed the gap between them.

“Sir, Dean has meant everything to me since third grade. We’ve been best friends forever. Something… something so… so _small_ … something so _insignificant_ , shouldn’t have the power to come between you.”

Cas didn’t know if the events of the evening or fatigue was catching up to him, making his mind malfunction. He didn’t know why he was saying this. He didn’t know _what_ he was saying.

John put his hand on Cas’ shoulder. “I’m trying, Cas. I know that I need to work on this… and I’m… I’m _trying_. He’s my kid… and I love him… I just need more time.” He turned away before he added, "I shouldn't think Dean loving you would be so small a thing, really. It was the world when Mary loved me."

Cas scrunched up his brow and looked at a point on the floor. He nodded and sighed. “Can I see him, now?”

John led him to a room where Dean lay sleeping on the bed. His face was beginning to purple and swell. Cas’ eyes stung with tears and his breathing hitched.

“It looks worse than it is.” John told him. “There aren’t any fractures, but he did bruise a few ribs, too. They want to do another scan to see if he has any internal injuries. What the hell did he do to piss those guys off so bad?”

Cas walked to Dean’s bed and held his hand. His eyes never left the swelling face of his best friend. “He kissed me.” Cas’ voice was small and quiet. “It’s my fault he’s like this.”

John moved behind him and his hands came down on his shoulder in a firm grasp. “NOT your fault.”

John’s voice was quiet in the room so as not to disturb Dean’s rest but it held thunder in its tone. Cas turned to see the same in John’s eyes. “This… is NOT your fault, Castiel. It’s not his, either.”

Cas nodded as he wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a little bit his fault.

He made his way back to the waiting room to collect the brothers. He didn’t say anything to them, even when they tried to get Cas to tell them how Dean looked. He shook his head and made his way out to the car. Adam fell asleep in the back seat.

“Cas…”

“Don’t, Sam… I don’t…” Cas tried to hide the sob threatening to escape him. Sam nodded and watched as the streetlights pass by. When they approached the end of the cul-de-sac where they lived, they saw both houses were lit up like Christmas trees. The occupants heard the distinctive rumble of the Impala as she approached and rushed out of the doors to greet the boys.

“Oh, my god! Castiel!” Ana flew to her son and gripped his face in her hands, turning it this way and that, examining him with red-rimmed eyes. “Oh, my angel…”

Cas’ hands engulfed his mother’s and he pulled away from her. “I’m okay.”

Charles approached his son as well. “Ana, let the boy come inside. Castiel, John made it sound a lot worse than you appear. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah…” Cas’ voice broke as the tears that had been threatening to drop all night were rushing to the fore.

Charles looked over to see the other two boys being similarly fussed upon by Kate. “Sam. Adam. You all right?”

The boys nodded their heads and walked with Kate inside. Ana looped her arm around Cas’ waist and pulled him to the door.

“How’s Dean?” Charles asked when they closed the door behind them. Cas broke down. He told his parents all that had happened.

“He was so happy when he got home from work…. And then, we got his brothers… I don’t know how this…” Cas wept into his hands.

“Oh, Castiel.” Ana hushed him. She pressed her lips to his temple in motherly comfort. “It’ll be okay. John told us that he was going to be released sometime today.”

Cas nodded his head. “I’m… tired, Mom. I think… I think I’ll catch a few hours…”

Ana and Charles watched their son trudge up the stairs.

The wind had picked up during the early hours of the morning, blowing water-laden rain clouds to crowd against each other, darkening the daylight in an ominous imitation of night. Cas winced as he rose from his bed and dragged his stiff and beaten body toward the bathroom.

He almost cried out when he saw his haggard appearance in the mirror. “Shit!” He whispered to himself. He brushed a light touch of his fingertips along the bloody mess of his lower lip and over the swollen purple bruise on his cheek. His eye was marked with a thick line of color as well. Yep… he was definitely involved in a fight.

When he emerged from the bathroom, having taken a shower and changed his clothing, he started down the stairs. He heard hushed voices in the kitchen. He walked in slowly and took a seat next to his Aunt Kat. Gabriel whistled low, his eyes wide as he looked at his younger brother. Cas put his head down on his folded arms resting against the table top.

“Well… I brought some sweet bread, if you’re interested.” Gabriel told him.

Cas shook his head. “If you’re here, who’s minding the shop?”

Gabriel grinned. “I hired a manager.”

Castiel looked up at his brother. “You’re too much of a control freak, Gabriel… Who’d you hire?”

Gabe shrugged. “Kali.”

Castiel stared at his brother with incredulity. “You’re _kidding_!”

Gabriel smirked as he shook his head. “Nope.”

“I wonder how long that’ll last.”

“As long as it lasts through the week, I think I’m good.” Gabe smirked.

“Any news from the hospital?”

Ana shook her head. “The truck is in the driveway, though… so, I guess he’s home.”

Gabriel pointed to a bag near the back door. “I brought him a few things he might need, if you wanna take it over to him.”

Cas nodded his head as he got up again. Kat rose with him. “Give him our love, okay.” She whispered into his ear as she enfolded him into a soft hug. Cas nodded his head and bent to pick up the bag. He moved to exit when he had a second thought. He grabbed a plate full of the sweet breads Gabriel had offered. The least he could do was bring something to eat with him.

Sam opened the door when he knocked. Cas held up the plate to the younger Winchester as he passed through the threshold. Sam took it with a smile and grabbed one of the pastries, shoving it in his mouth. Cas watched as Kate came out of Sam’s room with a tray.

“Oh, honey…” Kate exclaimed as she descended. She handed the tray to Sam, who juggled the plate and the tray until he managed to take both into the kitchen. Kate put soft, cool hands on Cas’ face.

“I’m okay…” Cas told her. He looked up the stairs. “He up?”

Kate nodded. “John went to the Police Station. He’ll be back in a little while. We have him in Sam’s room.”

“Police Station?”

Kate nodded with a wicked grin. “Apparently, he recognized one of the jokers last night… or… this morning. He and his buddy came in to the emergency room. One of the men broke his leg last night. John called a buddy of his on the force and those... they were arrested for alleged hate crime. They threw their friends under the bus as soon as they were told they faced civil as well as criminal charges. I guess the friends of these two guys wouldn’t even take them to the hospital.” Kate chuckled with no mirth. “Go up. He’ll be… interesting to talk to, now… but, he’ll be asleep in about 20 minutes.”

Cas poked his head through the door to see Dean propped up on the bed, his eyes closed. Or… his eye… was closed. His left eye was so swollen and purple-black, Cas couldn’t even tell where his eye was in the whole mess. There were orange-ish bottles with white lids sitting next to a tall glass of water on the stand next to the bed.

“Oh, babe…” Cas whispered in a broken voice. He approached the bed to sit next to Dean.

Dean opened his good eye slowly to see Cas next to him. A small smile grew on his face until he winced in pain. “Hey.” He croaked.

“Dean…” Cas swept his hand down Dean’s arm, holding his hand in his own. Dean reached forward and dragged Cas onto the bed despite Cas’ protestation. Once Cas was settled next to him, Dean wrapped his arm around his boyfriend, snuggling into the crook of his shoulder and breathing in.

“Smell good.” Dean said to him.

Cas grunted but allowed the snuggling. He didn’t know how long he had been there or when he drifted off to sleep, but he was soon being shaken awake by Sam.

“Dude, my dad’s home.”

Cas rose carefully from the bed. Dean didn’t even notice the movement. _They must be really good meds_ , he thought. He followed Sam down the stairs to the living room just as John entered the house with an officer in a uniform.

“Ah, good… Castiel… Jim, this is Cas…”

The officer held out his hand to shake it. Cas looked from one man to the other.

“Is Dean awake?” John asked.

Cas shook his head. “He is visiting Uncle Morpheus.”

The officer scoffed but John gave Cas a quizzical look to which Cas responded with a smug smile.

“Anyway… You can ask Cas the questions you need, Jim. Then, when Dean wakes, we can see how much we can get from him before he falls asleep again.”

The two older men, Sam and Cas adjourned to the kitchen. The plate piled with sweet breads was now empty and sitting in the drying rack at the sink. They sat at the table and Jim began to ask question after question. Most of the answers came easily to Cas. Others, Sam chimed in with responses. After it was over, Cas felt like he had been through enhanced interrogation instead of friendly questioning. He took his clean plate and left for home.

His Aunt Kat was sitting in the living room when he entered. She took the plate from him and pointed up the stairs. Cas nodded and climbed the stairs and fell into his bed. Soon after, he joined Dean in his search of Dreamland.

 


	23. It's Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter. This has always been a “coming out/coming of age” type story. I have used lots of resources to make this story feel as real as possible. Many of the things that have happened have also happened to people I know or who have given interviews. My next story is about Cas and Dean and all those side story tangents I kept out because it would have taken away from the story I wanted to tell. I have gotten such good response from this, I think the continuation will be warranted.
> 
> Thank you, PixiePlays, for being my sounding board through this and for cleaning the kitchen!!! I’m so glad I tuned you in to the depravity that is Destiel!!!

Over the next few days, Cas, Sam, Adam, Dean and John met regularly with an investigator from the local PD and an attorney that Kat and Oh, Henry recommended to John. Dean told Cas one night, after a particularly long and exhaustive day, how different his dad was. Cas told him that, regardless of what else happened, John still saw his son when he looked at Dean and _that_ had always meant something more than labels would.

Dean was sleeping in his own room, in his own bed. Gabriel and Kali were out. Gabe had told his brother that Kali lasted three days managing the bakery in his absence and quit. Truth be told, he was surprised she lasted three days. She really didn’t have the personality to work around ordinary humans, let alone in a customer-driven business like the bakery. He immediately hired Sam to take the shifts Gabe couldn't and, since Gabe was trying to make sure he could still claim her as his girlfriend for a while, he took her out to dinner.

Cas sat on Dean’s sofa, staring at a reality show without actually watching it. So many things were swimming in his brain. He worried at his bottom lip, concerned despite repeated assurances to the contrary, that he was to blame for the course of events. “If only” scenarios ended, time and time again with Castiel sitting next to Dean in a hospital bed, looking down on the broken and battered body of his boyfriend. But he soon discovered that “If only” was a variant of “what if” and he was driving himself nuts with them.

He heard noise coming from the room and the door swung open as Dean zombie-walked over to sit next to Cas.

“Cake Boss?” Dean asked as he looked at the television screen.

“It was what was on.”

Dean shook his head. “Frickin’ Gabriel.” He looked around and didn’t see his roommate.  “Where is the little troll?”

Castiel frowned at Dean. “Don’t call him that.”

Dean took a double-take at Cas’ face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

Cas waved away any apology. “No… I’m just… Gabriel took Kali out.”

Dean leaned back, resting his head on the couch back and closed his eyes.

“Are you okay?” Cas asked him.

Dean didn’t move or open his eyes. “Yeah, but…”

“But, what?” Cas prompted when Dean didn’t elaborate.

Dean took a deep breath. “I’ve found out who my friends really are over the last few months, Cas. I really had no idea how much I could depend on them…” He remained quiet again for a long while. Cas took his hand in his own and held it until Dean spoke again. “I thought I had the lines all figured out. I was starting to… fit… all the pieces where they should go and…”

“And then, something unexpected happened.” Cas finished for him.

Cas looked down and away from Dean. When he felt Dean move and could feel the eyes scrutinizing him, Cas turned to look at him. “Yeah… but, it’s a good thing. I never thought Dad would do all the stuff he’s doing for me now. I thought it would be me… out here all by myself, and then you came home. I thought I would have to depend on Bobby for work _and_ shelter… then, Gabe came along. I thought I would lose my family… and Sam backed me up. I lost a lot of friends… after Lis and I… well… I lost a lot of friends. But, you know… I realized how strong the friendships I had left really were. I realized that I could make those friends into my new family…”

Dean’s face was deeply black and purple. He still was unable to see out one of his eye for how swollen it was. He was a mess. But, Cas saw all that strength that always made him feel so safe when they were growing up. The self-assurance Dean always seemed to project… It was all still there… but, somehow, the events of the last few months had distilled those things about Dean Winchester and aged them to produce this amazing creature next to him. Cas’ breath caught at the bruised… but not broken… sight of him. The piss and vinegar childishness that managed to charm people upon meeting him became something more now. He was still oh, so charming… but, a maturity and adult sexiness had grown from it. He wasn’t just cocky any more. He was confident. He was responsible. He was arrogant, sure… but his arrogance was more a façade than self-absorption. 

“I love you.” Cas whispered.

Dean smiled and leaned his head back again. His eye closed and chuckled. “Can’t figure why…”

Cas and Dean modified their New Year’s Eve plans. Dean still hadn’t been back to work on his doctor’s orders. He had bruised his ribs pretty badly and his body was going to need a few more days of recovery. Cas stayed at Gabriel’s overnight. He told his parents it was more to monitor Dean’s medication than it was any of the thoughts that were clear on their faces. But, really Cas knew he would be leaving soon and he wanted every waking moment left to be with Dean. He shook his head to deny all he wanted… but he couldn’t deny the countdown of days being crossed off on the calendar.

“Happy New Year!” Joey’s voice was slurred and happy.

“Hey! Happy New Year. You’re a tad early, though aren’t you?”

“Just a few hours, Cas. But, you know… I have to live it up. Two more days and we’ll be back to the grind.”

Cas sighed and cast his eyes to the closed bedroom door. “Don’t remind me.”

“Awww… don’t want to leave your loverbird yet?”

Castiel closed his eyes and wiped a nervous hand down his face. “We were jumped…”

There was no response for at least a minute. “Joey?”

“Hold on, C.” Cas heard the panted breaths and the tell-tale sounds of doors closing and the music was dampened to almost non-existent. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Well, I am… more or less. Just bruised, I guess.”

“Dean?”

Castiel drew in another breath. He still had trouble talking about the incident, despite having to recite the tale so many times to officials and lawyers. “He was pretty beaten up. Hasn’t been able to work for a few days.”

“Jesus!” Joey said. “Why didn’t you call?”

“I’ve been kinda busy.”

“Right! Right. Sorry.” Joey sounded contrite. “When did this happen?”

“The night I talked to you.”

“Did you get a lawyer?”

Cas sighed. It was always the practical and pragmatic side of himself with which he was most comfortable. But, in this case, he was tired of being practical and pragmatic. His emotions were wildly out of control. He managed to tamp them down to a dull roar around Dean and his family. He hid them behind a mask of the stoic. On the phone, Joey was able to _hear_ the mask slip.

“Castiel… take a breath…”

Cas did. He closed his eyes and visualized a place of calm. Then, he saw Dean in a hospital bed covered in bruises and hooked up to IV pain medications and his calm shattered like breaking glass. A ragged breathy sob emerged. “Joey…” His voice wasn’t his. It was cracked and strained and practically a whimper.

“Cas, you’re okay… Take a breath, baby.”

Cas did, but felt the panic come at him. “In, Cas…. Breath in.” Joey modeled what he wanted over the phone and Cas did his best to mimic it. Eventually, Joey had Cas breathing in a steady, calming rhythm.

“It’s okay, Cas.” Joey said after he heard the panic diminish. “You’re allowed to feel this way. It… it’s scary and it hurts… and it’s okay to feel it. Just don’t let it rule you… don’t let it change what you want to do with your life…. Or who you love. You’re out, now, Cas. You have to watch your environment a little more critically. You have to be careful with whom you share this part of who you are… It sucks… but, until the world has an enema of all the hate that they’ve shoved up their asses… we just have to… I don’t know… be careful.”

Cas nodded, not trusting himself to speak yet.

“Where is he?” Joey asked. “Is he home or in the hospital?”

“Here.” Cas squeaked.

Cas could hear the calm sobriety in Joey’s voice. “Climb into bed and care for him for a couple of days. I’ll see ya on Wednesday and you get to take advantage of me treating you with kid gloves for a while…”

Cas could just visualize how carefully and solicitously Joey meant to care for him. He sucked in a stuttered shaky breath and smiled. “Thanks, Joey.”

“No problem, sweetheart. I’ll see you soon. Take care of your man. Get some sleep.”

“See you soon.”

Castiel climbed in with Dean and felt the immediate response of warm arms encircling him. He wept with quiet tears into the pillow until he fell asleep.

Sometime, in the middle of the night, Dean woke and decided it wasn’t stalkerish or creepy to watch Cas sleep despite his own protestations that Cas doing it to him was. Cas woke to see Dean looking into his face, a small glint of the low light in the room shining to reveal his open eye.

“Do you need something?” Cas asked, immediately going into caretaker mode.

Dean kept staring at Cas but didn’t say anything. His hand began to trace the contours of Cas’ body.

“Dean?”

“I wish you didn’t have to go.”

Tears started to rise up and escape from Cas. “I promise it won’t be like last time, okay.”

Dean nodded. He stared at Cas some more. Cas could see the movement of Dean’s chin and then he pulled in a gasp. Cas could hear it in the sound. He heard the pain, loneliness, anxiety that Dean must feel at the prospect of Cas going away again. Cas pulled him closer. He held him in a hug that was an attempt to convey all the same things that Cas felt-- How he didn’t want to leave.

He pulled back and kissed Dean’s face. “Not yet.” Cas whimpered. “I don’t have to go yet…”

They fell asleep again, but it was fitful sleep. Whenever they awoke, they reassured each other over again. They cried into each other’s chest and whispered promises. When the true morning came, they decided they couldn’t move from their bed. They stared at each other in the pale morning light but said nothing more. It wasn’t until Cas began to fidget in Dean’s arms that the silence was broken.

“Are you uncomfortable?” Dean asked.

Cas didn’t respond but Dean felt his body full of tension and he couldn’t remain still.

“What’s wrong?”

Cas looked apologetic before extracting himself from their covers and Dean’s tangle of legs and arms. “I’m sorry…” Cas tripped and fell on the floor. ”…I have to….” Cas struggled to rise and moved quickly to the door. “I gotta pee!”

Cas could hear the laughter as he raced to the bathroom. Dean still had a smile on his face when Cas returned. “It’s not funny, Dean.”

Dean seemed to have returned to normal. His grin was broad and there was a twinkle in his open green eye. “Oh, it was totally funny!”

They stayed together all day, though Dean was strictly forbidden to drive anywhere. They went to Cas’ home and started to pack his belongings. Ana fretted over and pampered Dean. Dean had been propped up at the head of the bed with what had to be every extra pillow in the house. He was admonished to rest while Cas packed. She offered him anything to make him comfortable. He smiled, though Cas could tell it was a smile he reserved for people at the garage he needed to be nice to but who really got on his nerves.

“Mom… we could really use some privacy.” Cas finally told her.

Ana stilled and examined her son. “I’ll give you your privacy, Castiel James Collins… but, neither of you will abuse my trust. Understand?”

“Yes, ma’am.” They said together.

She gave one last look at the pair of them before retreating out the door, leaving it opened a crack. They held in their laughter until they heard her descend the stairs and turn on the tap in the kitchen. Then, Cas fell onto the bed and chuckled into Dean’s shirt. Dean placed his hand with a light stroke over Cas’ head, on his shoulder. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

Cas breathed in the scent of Dean, though it was not the smell to which he had become accustomed. There was antiseptic and the chemical medicine odor of his pills that replaced engine oil and gasoline but mixed with the soap and laundry detergent smell of him. He didn’t smell of his usual cologne since his face was still too tender to shave.  But, there was a natural muskiness about Dean that Cas had noticed many times over the years of knowing him. The fragrance that made his mind flash to late night cook-outs by the lake, of sitting on the hood of the Impala at the Bluff, of sitting in the car after school and listening to music while they waited for Sam to get out of Key Club, Chess Club or any number of activities in which he engaged… All those things that reminded Castiel of his happy childhood could be brought to mind by simply inhaling Dean.

The comfort was too good to want to disrupt. And yet…

Gabriel slammed the door open and walked in as though it was truly his room instead of Castiel’s.

“I brought pie!” He declared and flourished his hand to demonstrate a pink cardboard box. He sat on the bed next to Dean who lifted his hand off of Cas and took the box from his roommate. He lifted the lid and peered inside.

“What the heck is this?” Dean demanded.

Gabriel looked in and Castiel, too, took a look.

“OH!” Cas exclaimed and sat up to take the box. “Key Lime is my favorite!”

Gabriel turned a smug grin to Dean who made a face at Cas’ choice. “Friendship over.” Dean declared.

Cas smirked at Dean and took the pie to his desk. “More for me.”

“You can have it.”

Gabriel rose and left the room, only to return with another box which he handed to Dean. Dean looked inside and grinned. “You do love me…”

They sat and talked for a while about the drama with Kali. Gabriel had to work very hard to appease her after leaving her in charge of the shop for those three days. She had complained to Gabriel that the dinner wasn’t enough to make her forgive him. Apparently, neither was the fact that Gabriel paid her a week’s salary for those three days. Gabriel threatened to not bring any more pie if they continued to tease him for being so whupped and the conversation turned to the giant elephant in the room.

“So, will we see you more often, now, Cassie?”

“Don’t call me that.” Cas said automatically. “Well, they say the guys who jumped us are going to be arraigned soon and then there will be a trial… so, I guess I’ll be back a lot for that.”

Cas refused to meet either sets of eyes. He wanted to know that the relationship he was forging with Dean would last and he wanted to make it work. But, he was also afraid that the adage about long-distance relationships became cliché because it was sadly also true. He didn’t want for his relationship to become cliché.

“I guess I could come back for the weekends… it’s just…”

“Your crap truck won’t last long driving out here every weekend, Cas.” Dean told him. His expression was empty.

“We’ll figure it out, Dean.”

Gabriel stayed for dinner and Dean went next door to eat with his family. Things were getting better with them as long as Dean and Cas weren’t “obvious” about their relationship. John had caught them making lovey eyes at each other and was in a foul mood for the rest of the day. They decided they would be discrete for the sakes of family harmony…

Gabriel offered to drive Dean home and bring him back in the morning to say good-bye to Cas, but Dean convinced his dad to let him stay the night and drop him to his place on the way to work in the morning. So, when the morning sun began to peek over the horizon, Cas packed his belongings into his rickety truck and waited for Dean on the hood. He had said his good-byes to his mother and father. He received Gabriel’s fare thee well last night. He didn’t know if he would have the strength to leave if Dean met him inside the house to say it to one another.

So, Adam and John came out of the Winchester/Milligan home to load their truck. Cas waited patiently for Dean to emerge. He saw the two others return to the house after several minutes and Dean came out to lean against Castiel, pressing him into a firm embrace. When he pulled back, he kissed Cas and held his hand. He fingered the Claddagh ring, staring at the slip of metal instead of looking at Cas.

“It belongs to you…” Cas said.

Dean raised his eyes to Cas’. They were watery and sad and Dean saw the same in Cas’. Dean nodded and gripped Cas in his arms.

“I gotta go…” Cas told him as he pulled away.

“I know… You’ll come back, right?” Dean asked. It broke Cas’ heart to hear uncertainty there.

“Of course. You are my home, Dean.” Cas was followed to the driver’s door and he slid in. Dean stood next to the door as Cas rolled down the window. “I’ll call… as soon as I get there.”

“You better. I wanna know this piece of crap got you there safely.”

Cas stared with a tight grimace before he patted the steering wheel. “Don’t listen to him. He’s a classic car bigot.”

“I am a P.O.S. bigot.” Dean defended. “Seriously, Cas…”

Cas looked at the worried expression and smiled. “I’ll call. As soon as I pull into the parking lot of the dorms.”

Dean nodded satisfied. “Okay… and I’ll get Sam to teach me to Psych…”

Cas smiled and his eyes crinkled in mirth. “Skype… Dean, learn to Skype.”

“Whatever.”

Dean leaned in and granted a quick kiss before pulling back and letting Cas start the engine of the truck.

“Be safe.” He called as the truck pulled out of the drive.

“You too!” Cas responded.

Dean watched as the truck chugged away.

EPILOGUE

“I’m here.” Cas panted as he slammed the door to the truck.

“It’s about time, Cas!” Dean yelled over the speaker.

“Don’t yell at me, Dean… I had…”

“Had what?”

Cas sighed. “I had car trouble. It doesn’t matter. I’m here. I’m safe. I’ll call you again later. I gotta…”

“What?” Dean asked after a long pause.

“I gotta pay the tow guy.”

Cas heard the sigh. He didn’t want to fight.

“I’ll pick you up this weekend.” Dean told him.

“No, Dean.”

“Yes, Cas.”

“I’m not going to win this argument, am I?” Cas asked with a grin.

“Nope.”

“I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

 

 


End file.
